The Art of Over-Thinking

And now for something completely different (but sort of similar) (but with new fonts and such) (but the same amout of windbagedness)!

2011-08-21T16:36:00.006-05:00

I'm ready to start writing again. Truly.

I'm ready to be a smartass again. Muchly.

I'm ready to move. Not like exercising.

(I've not changed that much.)

But I'm over here if you would like to follow me again---trying something new....for the better. And maybe, even, for the funnier.

My bum will be firmly planted at http://notsocalmandcarryingon.blogspot.com/ and I'd sure like your brilliant company. If you could stop at the store on the way over, I'd be up for sharing a jar of peanut butter and a bag of Doritos.

Pitty poor me...all alone....except for this GODDAMN paint covered chair.

2010-11-05T23:05:00.002-05:00

Oh hello.

That's the only nice thing I have to say.

My karma meter must be on FUCK YOU because holy shit, have I had a bad mofo evening.....

Not tons to say (though, I have gestures for days) (also swear words, so I'm sorry for that....although swearing on blogs is okay right? I can't remember....let me consult with the bottle of wine. YES YES SWEARING IS A DAMN FINE IDEA.)

My lovely folks are coming up for the weekend to work on the Money Pit (our house) (I actually typed whore two times before I typed house.) (This is way too accurate for me to expand upon at this time.) (Bitch.)

Wine=swear words. I'll be back to my g0sh-darn self by tomorrow afternoon. HI MOM!!!

As I was bringing in my Home Depot purchases, I noticed that I still had a quart of black paint in the garage that I used to refurbish a kick-ass rolltop desk (pictures to come). I thought, "Gee, better bring that paint in. Here, let's put it in our shopping bag from Home Depot." Here's where the good-ideas ran cold and that badness came full force and slapped me in the face with a big damn, "WHooo-AH!"

Black. Paint. In. A. Shopping Bag.
(not so bad yet, right?)
Opened up. In. Said Shopping Bag.
On ALL purchases.
Overflowed onto the dining room table, onto a dining room chair....hung out for long enough to have relations with the chair and then decided to say hello to a huge amount of hardwood floor.

I don't have much to say except I immediately opened a bottle of wine and got in the shower with the chair.

(I hope he calls me tomorrow.)

P.S. Geeeee, dontch just miss the hell out of these posts? Christ on a cracker (hullo Meg)..."When's gonna be my time Lord???? When's gonna be my time?") -Someone in some Kevin Smith movie...

P.P.S. Dear Kevin Smith. I like wine. Also, I like your first 4 movies. Seeing Jason Mewes naked was a bit of a boon for the last flick you turned out. For that piece of crap, I'd like to tell you to suck it, but my husband actually talks to your wife online and there's a chance I could maybe be a personal chef for you someday (and I'll totally delete the hell out of this post at that time)...so, keep on truckin', Kev!

Do you ever get the feeling that your ass is actually creeping up your back?

2010-10-04T20:40:00.005-05:00

This is an untold phenomenon-- sure, we all know about age equalling droopy buns, but sometimes, if you're special, when you sit down, the sheer expanse of your butt actually shoves itself up your lower back. This results in some spectacular dimpling and bulges. This description is simply BEGGING for some Paint Prowess.....voila!So much to say, here. And really, I know you're most interested in where I bought those fancy shoes. Maxxanista, bitches. But really, WTF is it with the butt thing? I work out like a crazy person on the eliptical. I'm thinking that about 1/2 of my butt is turning into muscle and the other half is turning into mac n' cheese and venturing north. AND IT DOESN'T DO THIS IN CLOTHING---apparently my stretchy jeans keep it in check; it's when it's free to roam that it does this wonk-butt thing. I cannot tell you how tempted I am to take a REAL LIFE photo of this ass-action so I can share it with you and hear you go, "Me, too!!!" Alas, two things:

-I'm probably on this butt island by myself-

-And ew.-

Now, that won't stop me from asking you all to share a lovely body phenomenon with the internet. Bring it on. Can you top North-Venturing Mac 'n Cheese??

Hair Today....Gone tomorrow. Also known as, Easy Hair, I can has.

2010-10-02T21:21:00.007-05:00

It's me. With less hair. Don't fret, my leg hair compensates.

Below is a photo of us on our 5 year Wedding Anniversary.

With the same haircut. We share everything.

Except razors (see previous comment about leg hair).

And here you will find Exhibit A: Hair Care Product Abuser...also known as Hurricane Hair.

Ain't nothin' movin' it.

I'm still getting used to it. But I'll tell you this much---it is AWESOME being able to do my hair in 2 minutes.
(and literally, 1 minute and 45 seconds is spent washing all the damn gel from my fingers)

And In the Light of Day....What the hell is a dairy flavorist?

2010-10-02T13:13:00.010-05:00

Thank God for Advil....

What the hell was I thinking last night? What kind of a hideously botched triumphant return was that?? The best ideas are born of beer. I think that's from the Bible. Or maybe it's US Weekly.

Anywho, my friends.

What's new? Has the past year and a half treated you well? Have you succumbed to the technological crack that is Netflix? (yup) Have you secretly purchased your Team Jacob t-shirt? (oh please) Have you wanted to murder that jack-ass that painted the outside of your house? (too soon..gah.)

I truly hope this post finds you well. And not 15 pounds heavier with a questionable haircut. *waves*

I've really missed writing. Being a verbal smartass just isn't as much fun. Also, there's no delete button in a conversation---and, Christ on a Cracker, wouldn't that come in fantstically handy at times?

As I'm still warming up, getting back into blogging shape, I have decided to take it easy (lazy) and begin with a list....

What I've Learned in the Past 17-ish Months

The Over-Thinker

Simple Math: The gag-reflex of a cat is faster than your ability to jump off the couch and catch the cuke (cat-puke) in your hands. (I didn't say this was a list of wise, helpful ideas)
Paris Hilton is untouchable (also, probably a good rule of thumb, in general)
The moment I polish my toes, my husband will step on one of them with one of his size 13 gunboats.
I hate flying. Not one flight goes by where I don't think I'm going to die and I worry that my parents might discover the naughty drawer before my husband can hide it.
I am now a vegetarian. Not because I have a high moral code....but because my intestines hate cows. And pigs. And chickens. More accurately, I am now a cheese-a-tarian. (Hence the new 15 pounds.)
Every time a bell rings, 2 Jehovah's Witnesses in short-sleeve dress shirts and JanSport back-packs are on the front stoop while we're hiding below window level trying to finish the first season of Weeds.
I have contacts now. I'm also really good at the under appreciated sport of "Blood-Shot-Eyed Speed Blinking."

On that note, I think I shall go outside and enjoy this beautiful fall weather.*

*Or, maybe it's time to crack open a fresh block of cheese and have a seat in the Church of Netflix. Now, I'd answer the doors for that belief-system anyday. Especially if they're bringing along The Real Housewives of New York on Blu-Ray.

And sometimes we just need to hang out with our Gay Friend, Ryan....

2010-10-01T22:04:00.002-05:00

Oh, hello. I haven't posted in a little over a year, but sometimes, the only thing that gets you to post is watching a gay holiday film called "Making the Yuletide Gay." Also, beer.

And sometimes, your gay friend Ryan, belches and says, "Make me a superstar." And I say, "Okay, sounds like a fine idea."

Hello friends. I've missed you. I've missed your fantastic comments and banter to my inane, superficial thoughts. I'm ready to discharge some fantabulous gobbledeegook in hopes of your "HOLYCRAP--you're not dead!"-comments. So, then...here goes.

Ryan says, "Oh my God, their dairy flavorist, he's gay, he has a flavor story....."

Curious? Me, too. Stay tuned....

Ryan is fun.

More to come.

Happy October, Friends. Love you muchly.

I'm back.

A Post, the Equivalent of Naugahyde

2009-04-03T18:15:00.007-05:00

...or a fake post, for those of you that don't speak man-made-upholstery.

This moment is brought to you by:

Hillary's Blog-Dammit Wake-up Calls

Just like a hotel wake-up call, but with a bit more haiku, and a LOT more swearing

Although I have lots going on in my life, I have very little in the realm of coherent thought going on. So, welcome to the first installment of.....

NAUGAHYDE FRIDAYS!!!!!

(an American version of Friday Faff)
(For this abject pilfering, H, I shall mail you the vinyl arm rail.)

In a meeting today, I was sitting behind one of the managers in R&D. He occasionally turned around to make a comment about the topic at hand. Approximately one hour into the meeting, he turned around and was met with, depending on his angle,

either this:

or this:
or this:

No, that's not Zoltan Screamface from Planet ReneeZellweggerPinchyMouth. No, no--that's me, mid "trying-to-cover-up-a-yawn-in-a-meeting"-face. You know what I mean, right? When you think you can contain a yawn by simply willing your mouth shut? After I told my co-worker, T, what had happened (because I tell her all about my stupid OT moments), she said, "Maybe next time you should just let it out and cover your mouth like a non-idiot." Okay, so she didn't say the last part, but she was most-likely thinking it. Anyhow, the manager looked a bit startled to say the least. 'Cause the beauty was held in place for like 3 horrendously long seconds while I got through the yawn. Promotion? CHECK.

The Potty Dance and Other Inconspicuous Ways to be an Adult

2009-03-12T20:25:00.009-05:00

Over-Thinker (2009)
Image found here.

My name is Over, and I'm a potty-dancer.
Hello, Over.

I swear--I'm one sneeze short of a massive accident. And when the HELL did that start? I'm 31, for the love of cheese! I've had no children, no interesting uh, events to speak of. Although, there was that one altercation with a swing-set when I was seven. And the swing-set never even called. Bastard.

But I digress...

HONESTLY.

Okay--scenario:

Working in the lab, realize I have to go.
Nah, no time.
Hold it.
One or two hours later.
Sitting at desk.
Minding my own business.
Stand up. Walk five paces.
Uh. Ohhhhh.
GUESS I FORGOT TO GO, EARLIER!!!
Damndamndamn.....gottttttaGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Okay. Don't panic.
Bathroom is only 1 mile down busy hallway.
No problem.
Step, step, step.
Horsey gallop, horsey gallop.
HORSEY, HORSEY, HORSEY
Pause. Pause.
*Whiney Noise.*
Bend down to pretend to tie my shoe (it's a slip-on--neat).
Pause.
Resume horsey-gallop.
Okay...the urge is gone. It's going to be oka....
WAIT WAIT---it's BACK!!!!
OHGEEZOHGEEZOHGEEZ
Okay. Okay. Don't think about it. Keep walking.
No, you totally didn't just pee your pants a little. Nothing to see here, people.
Gallop, gallop, GALLOP!!!!!!

I was going to start this next paragraph with, "Remember those really annoying commercials...." until I realized that "annoying" is sort of the soup du jour for any bladder control commercials.

June Allyson?
Annoying.
Those "and I don't have to 'go' right now" commercials where the crossing guard leaves the innocent students left for dead in the middle of the crosswalk 'cause she has to GOOOO?
Annoying.
And catchy. Dammit.

I don't think I have a, quote-fingers, bladder control problem, quote-fingers, I think I simply wait too long to use the facilities. Oh, and I drink a lot of fluids: this has already been covered in charming Bed-Wetting I and Bed-Wetting 2: Electric Boogaloo entries. I no longer wet the bed. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I should give it another whirl in order to avoid the Horsey Dance (it's the new Macarena) at work.

The Devil made me do it. Hillary is the devil. An awesome devil. With fantasic taste in internet friends. Modest, internet friends.

2009-03-05T18:17:00.008-06:00

Hello my little pretties (and your little dogs, too, if you have 'em--Hi to Nic's new pup!). And "HI!" to a lot of new readers that sent me sweet e-mails, totally loving me up and begging me for a triumphant return! Okay, so maybe the e-mails were more along the lines of, "You. Nice blog. Write again?" I'm nothing if not realistically accurate. And honest. Don't forget my glorious honesty.

I'm back for a brief bloggy moment.
A bloglette, if you please. Well, sort of a wind-bag bloglette.

Hills composed a lovely, stalk-y* post about yours truly and my wee bit o' absence from the internets. No, I've not gone to that great big blog in the sky, nor have I forgotten about my little slice of superficial heaven here on blogspot--I've simply lost myself in the mystic realm that some refer to as home remodeling and repair. I lovingly refer to this realm as OH MY GOD BURN IT, BURN IT DOWN! GOD!! DOES GROUT EVER DRY??? OH MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?? OH MY GOD, GAS! GAS! GAS! WE'RE GONNA DIE! OH! THAT'S JUST THE SMELL OF MILDEW? MY BAD.

I could go on (and you just know that I will)........

Instead of a hugely long, drawn out story (my favorite kind to tell!), let me share some small bits and bobs through bullet points. And swearing.

It's the "grandma-house" we've always wanted.
The putrid, coral shutters and peeling shaker siding are pure bonus!

Yup, we bought our first home.
And dammit all to hell and back in a boat, this house is just chock-full of especially f-bomb worthy surprises.
Before I get to the next bullet point, I shall say that I really love this house, it has tons of potential and I can't even tell you how great of a deal we got on it. Unspeakably great.
Here's some math for the ages: How many sub-floors must be present under the latest layer of bathroom flooring? If you answered 76 and a half, you're close. I swear, the f-tards that previously owned this home followed the basic guideline of asking themselves, "Hmm, wonder what the housing code is on this? Nah. Let's do the violation instead. I hate the Over-Thinker and C. Let's give them the pain."
If you're in the market for a vinyl, rail-like, arm rest about yay big, from a disgusting wet-bar, and totally fitting of a 1974 rumpus room, shoot me an e-mail and I'll send it to you.
And if you ask nicely, you can also have the shuffleboard court made out of asbestos squares. Fun for the whole family!
And if you say, "With a cherry on top, Over-Thinker," I'll throw in a bathroom cabinet from above the shower that was hi-jacked from the kitchen in a bid to create efficient! storage! ABOVE (??) the bathtub.
Don't get me started on our concrete side yard. See, when you purchase a home in the bowels of a Minnesota winter, you sort of take your chances on what may or may not lie beneath the 65 feet of snow. Oh wait, you thought there'd be tundra? As in grass? Oh, you silly little moron, of course there's no grass. The realtors simply shoveled a little pathway of snow off the basketball court of doom in our side yard, making it appear to have grass on either side. Asses. ASSES.

So, remember those "How I spent my summer vacation"-papers you had to write in school? I'm thinking of composing a "How I spent my 30's"-paper for my blog. It will consist of home repairs, drinking, swearing, drinking and spending money. And blogging. Because Hills said so.

*Bring it--as stalkers are awesome if they're just friends posing as stalkers, posing as limerick authors.

Over-Resolutionizing 2009....And other Crotchety-Wisdom

2009-01-02T17:16:00.006-06:00

HELLLLLOOOOoooo

Yooouss!!!

I am back from the massive brain and blog fart that was December 2008 and returning just belatedly in time to make some lofty goals for 2009. Thank you all for the lovely e-mails, and your concern over my potential demise. Alas, I'm not (brain)dead. Or...am I??? Some would argue that I am one delicate sip of Pinot Noir away from brain damage. To those I say...

CHEERS!

OT's 2009 Resolutions

I will try my best not to cringe when someone hands me their phone to show some (super high-quality, I'm sure) picture and I see a nifty make-up/ear wax/skin slime smeared all over the screen. Seriously though, it takes a mere moment to wipe that crap off on your pant leg or your thumb. Go the extra mile, for the love of God.
I pinky swear not to do another NaBloPoMo until at least we've settled into the new house (2016). I can just see me dropping a box of ceramic tile or a sheet of drywall on C's foot as I dash off to enter some mindless (as per usual) drivel before the clock strikes midnight. Because then NABLOPOMO may spell T-R-I-A-L-S-E-P-A-R-A-T-I-O-N.
I will only worry myself into a coronary about appropriate items such as "Can I pull off a pair of Wellies?" or "Can I wear these jeans for a 4th time this week and stay under the radar?" instead of wasting time pondering the merits of drinking coffee in the morning instead of Diet Dr. Pepper in order to seem more mature.
I will give up trying to understand the allure of the following: Pete Wentz, Skinny Jeans, Austin Powerisms (still!!), Fantasy Football*, The Jonas Brothers, World of Warcraft**, Liza Minelli, Diet Coke***, Thanksgiving, the way Madonna looks, and last but certainly not least, that massive asshole, Billy Something-or-other, that does those infomercial-style commercials for things like KaBLAAM! or Urine-be-gone-with-this-Rag-THINGY!!
I will QUIT chasing all of the major holidays with ideals of THE PERFECT ONE. I will consider a holiday successful if I have time to clean the toilet, unwrap some cookies from the gas station and unscrew the cap from a jelly jar of moonshine BEFORE the guests arrive. A-MEN.

*Hi Jess & FriYet!
**Hi again, Jess!
***Hi EVERYONE IN THE BLOGGY-UNIVERSE!!

P.S. If any of you care, I gave up on the whole Quit Biting Muh Damn Nails thing---here, 2008, let me show you my progress. Let me demonstrate with a gesture.

Okay, onto 2009....and 2009? Don't worry, I'm not thinking of flipping you off next year. But let today's gesture be a reminder of what you could see if you don't show your loveliness in the coming months. Think of it as The Ghost-Finger of New Year's Future.

Valium? Valium? Anybody?

2008-12-08T20:13:00.004-06:00

Photo found here

We just put an offer in on our first house.

Hold me.

P.S. Why is it that you can't pay for mortgages in smiles and moonbeams?
Why, Lord, why???

30 Days of NaBloPoMo....minus the partridge in a pear tree. Who the hell would want that, anyhow?

2008-11-30T18:34:00.010-06:00

Firstly--Jess, Bridgy, Al and Hillary. I would like to apologize for peer-pressurizing you into doing NaBloPoMo. I realize that I probably owe each of you $500 and a shiatzu massage for your troubles. Hills, I know you'll settle for some vodka and a puppy-sitter. I'll try to make this happen. Jess, Bridgy & Al, I'm pretty sure you'll settle for some Miller Lite and penis-straw polishers. I'm on it.

I would like to wrap-up this 30-day debacle with a post on what I've learned.

Everything I know about
Posting (this month),
I've learned from NaBloPoMo

C and I can blog together like nobody's business. He has a very arid (see, Jess? still using the new vocab!) sense of humor and I'm going to suggest to him ( a.k.a. tell him there won't be a Christmas unless he listens to me) that we do more joint-posts. Expect us to do more WeWe's (get it? no? oh.) in the near future.
16% of the people that come to my blog via search terms have been looking for "Nascar Porn." So, in order to not alienate 16% of my potential readership, I will be writing/posting some Nascar Porn. Illustrations will be included.
If there's one thing that will get people commenting, it's a post on tongue scrapers (sorry, Ree! Look away or you'll puke!) and the suggestion that you should brush the inside of your cheeks. Oh the humanity! This is the MOST ridiculous thing you all have ever heard in your lifetimes!
Posts regarding my assinine antics as a child will most likely be a hit. Especially when they address enormous underwear and a flamboyant (U-G-L-Y, delusional) sense of style. As promised, in the near future, I will be sharing my Foray into Hookerdom as a five-year-old. It will pretty much seal-the-deal that I won't be able to run for a congressional seat. Hell, I don't think I'll be able to hold a spot on the PTA. (haha! dodged that future bullet!)
If I ever need help thwarting vigilante technology, all I need to do is ask and you will answer the call. Muchas gracias.

On that note....I will be signing off from this NaBloPoMo.

Please note: NaBloPoMo will be considered a swear word until further notice.

THE END.

Come Get Your Chocolate Rimmed Braless Gun Show!

2008-11-29T20:48:00.006-06:00

As my NaBloPoMo attempt is drawing to a close, I thought it would be lovely to take a look at November's Search Terms. Let's have a little laugh at the weirdos who have found their way to my blog. No offense, weirdos. In fact, you've found your mother-ship. Have a seat.

"chocolate rimmed wine glasses"
I like to dip mine in brownie batter. Sometimes I add the wine to the batter do I don't need any pesky glasses.

"went to school braless wearing whiet keds"
You wore white keds? Who does that???

"honeyhairy.com"
Apparently this URL is up for grabs. I should nab this up for a sister-site. Wouldn't that be a cool networking card to hand out at BlogHer? "Hi! I'm Over-Thinker from Honey Hairy!" Dudes. They would flock to me.

"phallic empire state building"
Ooo..fancy talk. I just call it the building shaped like a penis. But with more metal. And people inside.

"gangsta nascar soap opera"
Clayton Edward, NO! How dare you run over my second cousin's sister's hood rat with your Gatorade endorsed Pinto!!!

"my porn"
Git yer own.

"have a hyphen?"
Thank you! Don't mind if-I-do!

"hand warm water pee bed"
jerk puts hand water asshole asshole

"sra gun show"
I'm pretty sure they meant NRA, but just in case...
Sra, you havin' a gun show out yonder? Come on, gals! I'll share muh moonshine!

"burned skin under eyes. now it stays dry all the time"
Yes, I typically find that if I light something on fire that it stays quite arid. So, well done, you!

"angel figurine that's light up"
Overheard on Black Friday at some Wal-Mart, somewhere, I'm sure: "I has my eyes on one o' them presssshus figerimes--theys light 'em up!"

"blonde pigtails phun"
The fact that they spelled fun with a "ph" touches my heart. They have definitely found their mother-ship.

Oh my GOD and dammit all to hell...and things.

2008-11-28T18:58:00.006-06:00

Image found here.

Just kidding! I was simply in a mood for a bit of drama :-)

Now that it's out of the way, let's have a talk. And by talk, I mean, here, pull up a chair, I'm going blog about really stupid things that are really stupid. I am redundant and fun.

I apologize in advance for all of the bullet-point posts I've been spewing out into the abyss as of late. Content is not my strong-suit. In fact, I'm quite sure my blog is the opposite of content-laden. But it is full of something...

Okay, moving on...

Black Friday
(du du DUHHH)
(see? Drama)
Update

I decided to stay home today and not get shot at a Toys 'R Us. Instead, I decided to Christmasify our apartment. C was all, "Have Fun!" I was all, "Where should I start?? Hmm, I think I'll start by eating some Totino's Pizza Rolls."

Everything I need to know about Christmas Decorations, I learned from my cats.

If you're only 1 foot tall and named Abe, you should continually walk into the Christmas tree, even though the 11 previous times you've done it you've ended up with a pine needle in your nose/eye. Make sure you let out a pitiful whimper and then proceed to repeat the action again in 2 minutes.
If I say "NO! FIDGY! NO!" what I really mean is, "Hey there little, pretty kitty. Here, eat some of these small ornaments! Swallowing glass is a mellow affair!"
If I drop an ornament hook onto the carpet, regardless of where the kittens are in the 1300 square foot apartment, they will "HEAR" the fall and race into the living room to "GET IT!!!"

I'm still in my pajamas. Our apartment is Christmasified. I would like some brandy. And maybe some chestnuts roasting on an open fire. I'll settle for some tequila and lighting our electric bill on fire with a candle. 'Tis the season to be arrested for accidental arson, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. (Yes, I had to sing it out loud to get the correct number of la's. You can check.)

Pre-Planned Guest Post: Food Coma Edition

2008-11-27T20:41:00.004-06:00

My portrait obtained from here.

Oh, Hello!
This is the Over-Thinker's top-button, reporting to you live on Thanksgiving night. She wisely predicted that I wouldn't be working this evening and would therefore have a moment to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving!

There's a chance that I won't be employed for a few weeks, so you might be hearing from me a few more times. But! Starting January 1st, I'm expecting overtime-pay due to the (TOTALLY realistic) resolution by my owner to lose 25 pounds by March. She wants to look hot for the leprechauns.

Compromise THROUGH DANCE!!!! YES!!!!

2008-11-26T16:02:00.005-06:00

****DISCLAIMER: I'm fairly certain this has been circulating for about a month, but I JUST saw it. So, shut up.****

This is, quite possibly,
the most wonderful photo
in the history of the entire universe.

It's fancy, bi-partisan and oh-so-festive!

May this little piece of heaven get you through
the night-before-Thanksgiving prep.

Featured on www.iphonesavior.com

I have a new nickname. Not a cool one.

2008-11-25T21:38:00.004-06:00

Just some light housekeeping. I need to get this crap out of my head so I can make room for more important things. Like room for remembering that I don't like country music and to stop giving it a chance.

Bullet-Point Lovelies

If you try to do the skinny-face* for a photo, you'll end up looking like you're either A) Choking, or B) Have one hell of an under-bite. Note: Neither A, nor B = Pretty
If at a business luncheon, when they take the beverage order...if your co-workers ask for Coke, Diet Coke or Tea, order The Grape Ape** at your own risk as this will now be your new nickname.
Post-Its DO, IN FACT, WORK at foiling the evil ways of the automatic flushing toilets. Thanks to all who suggested this offensive (no pun intended) strategy
If you say that you do not care for Liza Minelli on your blog, there's a good chance that you'll piss off a few people and get a few e-mails pointing out your judginess
Ordering Pad Thai at a bowling alley is not as wise as it sounds--it's sort of like ordering a chili dog while dining at Louvre. Probably not their specialty.
I've started to clap a lot when I talk. I don't know why. It makes me sound terribly emphatic about random stuff. I use it to punctuate moments when I can't remember what I was saying...for instance: "I need to go to the clap-clap-clap, uh printer to get the clap-clap-clap outline." ????

*Where you lift your chin and stick it out a bit to de-emphasize the loads of extra chin you own.
**Basically grape soda. And it's AWESOME and totally worth the nickname. Jackasses...

C Outdorked Me and is Currently seeking Delorian Wings...also-- I have a few thoughts.

2008-11-24T20:54:00.007-06:00

TMC, at Return to Rural has graciously designed a lovely award for C.
I need to find out what TMC stands for.
Until then, I shall think of her as The Mighty Cigar.

Isn't this badge just too perfect for words?

I am so proud.

The Mighty Cigar writes:
"So here's a winner's seal, in Mountain Dew green and yellow (I couldn't figure out how to put delorian wing doors on it, sorry), proclaiming the Over-Thinker's signifother as the bigger idiot/dork of the two. Congratulations!! Feel free to copy the sh*t out of it and use it on your holiday cards or have it tattooed somewhere conspicuous. Make sure they get the colours right or it'll just look janky."

In other, unrelated news...
A few thoughts for this Monday:

Tequila shots always seem like a good idea.
Until they start to come back up, along with a Fiber One bar, as you're sucking on the lime.

It's impossible to keep one's stomach sucked in while eating the 6th piece of pizza.
Resistance is futile. Also, top-buttons are so overrated. So is low cholesterol.

If you have five minutes to compose and send an e-mail, in those five minutes, you'll get a piece of eraser in your eye, you'll choke on your tea and your laptop will freeze-up. I suppose I could have left out the part about the choking and the eraser, but I like to keep things real.

Another one of those God Damned automatic toilets flushed while I was on it--AGAIN. And I was out of Clorox Wipes!!! That's it. I'm getting a stadium pal. Now, I just need to figure out how to attach the self-adhesive condom. Suggestions?

I really don't care for Liza Minelli. That is all.

Does it make it doubly sinful that I'm Stealing on a Sunday?

2008-11-23T17:35:00.008-06:00

Well, if God reads this blog, I have much more to answer for than this stolen topic (courtesy, once again, from Return to Rural--keep 'em coming!!). Hope God likes bed-wetting stories and strip-club enthusiasm!

SUNDAY STEALING
(courtesy of Return to Rural and Sunday Stealing)

And to shake things up a bit, I'm having (making) C also answer.
He knows my answers are the correct ones--smart husband, that C.

1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing?
OT: Short answer, No. After drinking answer, Yes.
C: Yes, but never on its own. Mixed with a fine, French dressing, it is quite de-lish.

2. Favorite late night snack?
OT: Caviar with a side of Money. Or maybe it's sunflower seeds.
C: Usually chocolate ice cream. But if they come out with a Blue Cheese/French Dressing Slow Churn, it'll be that.

3. Do you own a gun?
OT: Just finger guns--har har.
C: Yes, sometimes I refer to them as pythons, biceps or pipes. Which way to the gun show?

4. What’s your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shop?
OT: Iced Coffee with a pint of 1/2 & 1/2 and a 1/4 cup of sugar. Something light.
C: Mountain Dew

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
OT: If it involves stirrups, I do.
C: No, but my doctors do.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
OT: The same way I think of head cheese. But I'll still eat a hot dog.
C: "Hey. If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself? I know I would...." Wait. Maybe not appropriate...

7. Favorite Christmas song?
OT: Jingle Bells (or as I used to pronounce it when I was 3-year-old: BINGO BALLS!)
C: OT's Grandma singing the bass line of Silent Night at the Christmas Eve church service
OT: Wait! Can that be mine, too!!?

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
OT: Preferentially not something that went down and came back up and needs to go back down again.
C: Listerine, a great breath-freshener, tends to make anything imbibed before noon, to take on the lovely flavor of poo. So, nothing.

9. Can you do push-ups?
OT: Bras, but only if I don't want to see my feet.
C: Yes, but I think my bathroom habits are none of your business
OT: *looks at C and grows concerned*

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
OT: My wedding rings (and my jelly bracelets)
C: My jewelry? What? Huh? Never.
OT: He means to say his belly ring.

11. Favorite hobby?
OT: Reading and being critical.
C: Criticizing OT's reading ability.

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
OT: No--it must be in my other purse.
C: I was never good at math.

13. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
OT: Is my butt a trait?
C: Taking things far too seriously and never trying to be funny.

14. The last disease you contracted?
OT: Like chlamydia into chlam'dia?
C: Pink Eye/Conjunctivitis

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.

OT
1. How long is that dishwasher cycle going to take.
2. I totally need to unbutton the top button.
3. I can hear Fidgit whistle-breathing through her nose.

C
1. This Mountain Dew sure tastes good.
2. I can't wait to have ice cream later.
3. My eye hurts.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?

OT
1. Diet Mountain Dew
2. Tea
3. Wine

C
1. Isn't it obvious?
2. Flavored Splenda Water...Mmmm
3. Diet Flavored Green Tea

17. Current worry right now?
OT: People are really going to think that C married a complete idiot/dork.
C: People are really going to think that OT married a complete idiot/dork. And that people are going to think I stole her answer, when she typed her answer second.

18. Current hate right now?
OT: Flag-shirts and country music.
C: I think 'hate' is too strong of a word to apply to anything right now, but I strongly dislike people who refuse to admit that our country needs change; it REALLY PISSES ME OFF. Oh, and the new Guns 'N' Roses album sucks--it's (ironically?) called Chinese Democracy.

19. Favorite place to be?
OT: Reading in the bathtub. (Well, at least when C's not in there "doing push-ups.")
C: I don't usually like to talk about it, but I'm usually doing push-ups there.

20. How did you ring in the New Year?
OT: We watched the ball drop.
C: That's what she said!

21. Like to travel?
OT: Yup
C: Sure--but level of enjoyment is dependent on the mode of transportation: Car, plane, bus...Delorian.

22. Name three people who will complete Sunday Stealing this week:
OT: Other NaBloPoMo-ers desperate for a topic
C: OJ Simpson and his two accomplices
OT: At first I was like, Wha?? And then I was, "Oh! Good one!"

23. Do you own slippers?
OT: Yes
C: No
OT: You do, too!

24. What color shirt are you wearing?
OT: Black
C: Brown, Grey, Yellow, White & Blue Plaid

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
OT: Ew--no.
C: If they feel anything like my silk shirts I wore in the 90's, then NO.
OT: Thank GOD I met you in 2000.

26. Can you whistle?
OT: Yes--like a mofo.
C: Yes, but not the Andy Griffith Show theme. Don't ask.

27. Favorite singer/band?
OT: I can't name just one--The Beatles, Dave Matthews Band and NKOTB (represent!)
C: The Beatles

28. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor?
OT: No, but I can sing "Eye of the Tiger"
C: I can't even WATCH 39 episodes.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
OT: "It's a Hard-Knock Life for _____" I personalize this song for C and the cats. I'm neat.
C: "Uncle Albert" by Paul McCartney...specifically for the "water"-part.

30. Favorite girl’s names?
OT: Beatrix Kiddo (Hi Mom!)
C: Over-Thinker

31. Favorite boy’s names?
OT: Well, now I have to say "C"
C: By now you're all expecting me to say something like Dirk Diggler, but I won't give you the pleasure.
OT: That's what she said!!

32. What’s in your pocket right now?
OT: I'm pretty sure I can safely say, not money
C: Lint, but I've got that everywhere.

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
OT: C
C: OT
Awwww

34. Like your job?
OT: Yup!
C: I'm currently in between jobs.
OT: He's holding out for a management position.

36. Do you love where you live?
OT: Sort of.
C: I don't so much love where I live, but I do live where I love.
OT: Cue the finger-guns.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house?
OT & C: 2

38. Who is your loudest friend?
OT: I only surround myself with delicate flowers. Like C.
C: OT. By far.

39. Do you drive the speed limit or speed?
OT: Speed
C: My speedometer is off by 5 miles, but I always forget in which way. So...YES.

40. Does someone have a crush on you?
OT: Yes
C: Yes, but we've progressed to the puree phase.

41. What is your favorite book?
OT: There is NO WAY I can name just one.
C: I don't even have books.
OT: You are the Yin to my Yang.

42. What is your favorite candy?
OT: How about my favorite 5? Chili-flavored chocolate, Peachy-O's, Atomic Fireballs, Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly's and Caramel Apple Suckers.
C: Chilled Peanut Butter M&M's and Dark Chocolate Peanut M&M's. (1 1/2 pounds/week)
OT: He's not kidding.

43. Favorite Sports Team?
OT: Minnesota Twins!!!!!!!!
C: Same answer but with one more exclamation point.

44. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
OT: Watching a recorded episode of CSI
C: Eating Taco Bell while watching OT watch CSI

45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today?
OT: OMG, my back is killing me.
C: Cat, are you drilling?
OT: Sra, I'll bet you're the only one that gets that.

Aren't we a lovely couple?
Please invite us to all of your parties.

Way to dash my dreams, internet quiz.

2008-11-22T19:14:00.004-06:00

I cannot tell you how saddened I am to learn this depressing statistic. This is totally making me realize that I'm more than halfway away from being British when I grow up.

Pish Posh--this cannot be correct.
Must go drink some tea and eat some crumpets (oreos).
And I know I said that I abhor "the flag shirt" but I'm sort of digging the one below.
It's not so:
"GOD BLESS THIS LAND O' MINE!!"
as it is
"Dude, I live on Portobello Road and can totally play guitar and wear skinny jeans."

You Are 45% British

You're about as British as a half hearted Anglophile... in other words, a piss poor Brit.

If you are indeed from Britain, you probably consider yourself a European more than anything else.

If you're trying to pass for a Brit, you're going to have to try a little harder.

Go to a football match. Drink until you puke. And head in to work the next morning totally hungover.

How British Are You?

I'm a Gangsta Porn Star in the Witness Protection Program

2008-11-21T18:36:00.008-06:00

I am stealing this from TMC/Return to Rural. She is a super writer that makes me laugh. She also posts things that I steal. In fact, I think my Sunday-post theme is also stolen for her. She's the gift that keeps on giving, if you will. Rather, she's the gift I keep on taking.

It's All in a Name

1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's & father's middle names)
Margaret James

2. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
Edward Clayton

3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name)
Using my moniker: Thover (that's pretty rad)

4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Periwinkle Kitten Dog (sure this isn't the porn name?)

5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live)
Elizabeth Metro Area (uh, I guess anonymity is preventing me from participating in this one)

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite alcoholic drink, optionally add "THE" to the beginning)
Green Margarita (Look! Over at the Cantina! It's ...)

7. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
OvEr (uh, that would be a tough one for the radio--"It's Over, over")

8. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):
Blueberry Cheesecake Oreo (...gangsta of Candy Land---don't mess wit mah canes and drops, dawg!)

9. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet's name, current street name)
Abe Cedar

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)
Chevy Hanson (I believe I covered this in a previous post...yup, I did.)

Here are the Photos: I am 5. I have huge underwear. My skates suck.

2008-11-20T19:28:00.007-06:00

As promised, here are the photos.

As promised:
NERD ALERT!!!!!

Notice the left-behind skate--who needs 2?
When you have a fashion sense that sweet, who needs 2 skates to complete the look??

Let's talk about the underwear for a moment. Actually, before we discuss the underwear, quick re-cap on my childhood fashion sense:

Everything matches, regardless of color.
Pink and orange are awesome, as is red and purple.

All shirts must be tucked into my underwear.

A center-part in the hair with those 2-ball hair bands holding the hair is a must. Also, if one of the pigtails is actually higher than the other and the hair is pulled so tight that I can't blink--this is a major plus.

So, it looks like I've covered 1 and 3. But, what's a girl to do when she can't securely tuck a ruched, ruffled crop-top into her drawers?? Why, she simply pulls her underwear halfway up her torso, hoping to meet the crop-top halfway. Trifecta accomplished.

Those damn skates. Mom and Dad? If you're reading this? You should know that those skates were hazardous. Particularly to a young girl who could barely walk five steps without falling into a shrub.

Let's do my favorite check-list roll call:

Four neon yellow wheels per skate? CHECK
Each skate weighs at least 17 pounds? CHECK
Two pieces of blue painted metal? CHECK
Two pieces of metal held together by a washer, a screw and a wish? CHECK
More metal covered by neon yellow rubber (safety first) for toe-gripping purposes? CHECK
Hard plastic (plus probably more metal) buckle strap to gently pierce into the skin around the ankle? Hell yes--CHECK.

I can remember strapping those puppies on and almost being able to move. The sheer exhilaration of almost moving and almost lifting my feet off the ground and almost looking cool was good enough for me. Hell, I was into rock polishing--I knew how to have a good time.

The following was my signature move of driveway rollerskating:

A typical photo of me. After a fall, but pre-scabs, if you will. Laughing.
(But crying on the inside.)

After looking through some childhood photos, I've found some seriously awesome proof of my affinity for hideous fashion and dressing like a five-year-old hooker. More to come.
Oh yes...much more.

"White-Piped" Shorts and Crummy Rollerskates

2008-11-19T21:29:00.004-06:00

As I look back fondly on my childhood, I have often pictured my 7-year-old self with those kind of shorts that had white piping around the edges. Turns out that I wasn't cool enough for white-piped shorts. But I was DEFINITELY cool enough for big white cotton underwear poking out the bottom of my shorts. The poor-man's white-piped short, if you will.

Interesting how time makes memories so much nicer....
Hey, that means in 24 years I'll look back on my foray into the men's room as a nice jaunty adventure--tralala!

The childhood rollerskating story (with photos) (oh GOD the photos) will be posted tomorrow.

P.S. Witchypoo, I'm trying to track down a photo of me in that band uniform. When I get my hands on it, it will be put on here for the world (my 9 readers) to see.

Blog Secret is Here...I'm telling someone else's secret! OOOoooo....

2008-11-18T13:23:00.005-06:00

The post below the dashed-line is not my own--
I'm hosting the telling of this secret for a fellow blogger.

Here is how BlogSecret works...

From SoMi's Blog:
BlogSecret, the blogging exercise where one of your secrets is posted anonymously on someone else's blog. Today, I host someone else's secret. What you will read below does not come from me, but it is someone else's truth. Someone else's life. Treat it with care. And, be sure to share your thoughts in the comment section as the author knows where their secret is posted.

I've submitted a post, too---where is it posted? I'll never tell.
Definitely check out the other 79 BlogSecret posts--they will fascinate the hell out of you. And maybe (but not likely) you'll be able to figure out which one is mine!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Without further delay....
may I present,

A Fellow Blogger's Secret

My Secret: If I got pregnant, I would have an abortion

If you would have asked me a year ago what my reaction would be to getting pregnant, I would have been elated.

I’d just had a miscarriage and was constantly hearing about friends’ and family members’ newly added bundles of joy. I was hateful and angry on my best days, depressed and suicidal on my worst.

I dealt with four months of infertility treatments before I threw in the towel. Four months is nothing compared to the years some women deal with, but I didn’t want infertility to map my life. I wanted total control.

I threw myself into activity after activity, desperate to fill up the gaping whole pregnancy and infertility had left behind.

Success started to gnaw away at notions of self-doubt I had about myself. I started to become an expert source on topics I’d only read about 18 months before. I began creating and consulting and crying tears of joy.

I had finally arrived at the peaceful place you only read about in self-help books.

During a recent get-together with my husband and his friends, someone asked me if I’d thought about having kids.

I mentioned my miscarriage and how I’d tried for four months but decided it wasn’t meant to be. This mother of two little ones insisted that I would change my mind and that I would probably be pregnant again within a year.

I thought about that. I didn’t tell her at the time and I’ve never come right out and said this to anyone until now: If I got pregnant now, I’d have an abortion.

My life is perfect just the way it is right now. I travel without guilt and have career plans that I refuse to let a baby get in the way of. A baby would derail my plans. My baby would be resented for all I had to give up.

Sometimes...All I need is the air that I breath and to driii-ink.

2008-11-17T18:00:00.013-06:00

Oh Friday, where for art thou, Friday??

Pedal to the metal, Friday, get a move on.
Hurr-izzah Up-izzah!!!

I know it's cliche as balls to say that Monday sucks.
But today, it sure as hell did. Balls were totally sucked.

It's Monday! Alarm clock, don't worry about actually going off! Grreat!
It's Monday! Why not buy a new radiator for the truck! Neat!
It's Monday! Kitten, please be diagnosed with a lifelong issue! Terrific!
It's Monday! Goodbye savings account! See you next yeeeeear! Wheee!

Suck it, life. Suck. It.

On that fantastic note, let's talk about Band.
(pun not intended, but awesome)

Image found here.

I've talked about stylistically riding the short-bus in my adolescent years and my foray into Band Camp was absolutely no exception. Although I wasn't in the band's Color-Guard, I was still waving a flag. One that said, "Aren't sweatpants awesome and also, I'm a loser!" Yes, that IS a lot of words for a flag, but somehow, I managed to fit all of them on.

Along with many other young females, I decided that I wanted to play the flute. In middle school I played like 18th chair flute. For those of you that don't follow musical rankings, 18th chair is not necessarily something you'd want to shoot for. Unless, of course, you were shooting for sucking. You know that saying "Shoot for the Moon. If you miss, you'll land among the stars."? Not so much. More like Shoot for the mouth piece, even if you miss, your spit will end up on your band director's music stand.

At the end of middle school, I decided that I needed to move on from the flute. (Actually, I'm pretty sure my flute was ready to move on from me.) How does one decide what instrument they want to play? Why, look at the other instrument sections and see which ones had the cutest boys. Alto Sax it is! Plus, the fingerings were similar to the flute, so I wouldn't be too behind. But really, when you're sitting near 18th chair, it has to get better, right? And it did! I made it to 5th chair! (Out of 5, but who's counting. Quit counting, Mom. I AM practicing!!)

Freshman year. This brings me to band camp. Really,
I must paint you a picture of the hotness that was 9th-grade me:

Braces....CHECK!
Padded Bra with Butterflies....CHECK!
Frosted lipstick....CHECK!
Purple Shorts made out of Cut-Off Sweatpants....CHECK!
Residual sweatpant-cuttings MADE INTO WRISTBANDS....OH MAH GOD!

All of this
+
Band Membership
=
Me thinking: Sweet fancy Moses, how the hell did I make it out of freshman year without a Colossal Wedgie and Homeschooling? I mean, man---wow. I should have stayed home. Maybe my mom just couldn't stand another day looking at my mad-fashion sense. Or maybe she was jealous of my snazzy wristband a la sweatpants' cuff. Screw Culinary, I should have majored in Fashion Merchandising..or at least minored in Knitwear Manipulation.

I haven't even told the tale of my Marching Band headpiece! Purple, fuzzy cowboy hat, anyone?
That is SO going to be an entire post...I shall title it:

Going through Puberty in Purple Marching Band-wear. Oh, and also getting my period on a band trip.
On a bus.

When you've sneezed much, you've hurt your neck...

2008-11-16T16:50:00.002-06:00

...it's time to not post. So, I am taking the day off, but not really, but really, from posting.

How about a poem instead?

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue,

Come back tomorrow and there will actually be some damn words to read!

I mean,

Tomorrow I'll have words for you!

Happy Not-a-Post Sunday!!

Blog Secret is Coming....and I told a doozy.

2008-11-15T20:27:00.003-06:00

I've done it. I've spilled a secret out onto the web.

No, it's not my cupcake recipe or a photo of my hairy legs.

SoMi came up with this
awesome idea:

Objective

Write a blog post about something secret. Publish it anonymously on someone else's blog.

Nearly 90 bloggers will be participating in this scandalous fun--juicy tidbits will abound. I may have to refer to it as BlogGate '08. For my secret post, I even changed my writing format. So, if you're going to try and figure out which one is mine, you won't be able to find it by looking for:

The dot-dot-dot after everything

Quotes around everything

The phrase, "I was all..."

(Ooo! That last one was like a 3 for 1! Nice!)

On November 18th, all will be revealed....
Mooowhahahahahahaha!

Lame Post Friday: Inaugural Edition: Bite one nail? They all must go.

2008-11-14T12:43:00.005-06:00

Photo found here.

+

Drawing found here.
Oh my God, you have no idea of the photos that come up when you search "Hand Photos" or "Finger Nails"...hello? I didn't search dismemberment!! This was the best I could do.

=

POST.

Okay, so I know I've had other lame-o posts up on previous Fridays, but this time it's in a more official capacity.

I am a nail biter. But not like a big one. I bite my nails when I'm nervous or when I'm watching Storm Chasers (or a particularly gripping episode of Shear Genius).

Every month, I attempt to stop. I usually make it about 2 weeks in and then BOOM, the Storm Chasers actually SEE A TORNADO and I'm all nibble-nibble.

And if one happens to break or snag? It's over. They are all hitting the fan. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal with nails. I'm fascinated/disgusted by women who hold onto like 3 out of 10 really long nails and file/buff the hell out of those and then the remaining 7 looks like hobo nails. Hello? Give up the ghost. Start over. Be a quitter!!! You can do it!!!

Like I'm accountable for this whole NaBloPoMo thing (Still haven't linked any posts to the actual NaBloPoMo --but see? All or nothing! NONE of the posts are linked!), I figured I could give the old "quit biting my damn nails" another college try for the month of December. I'll call it a National Don't Bite Your Nails Month...or NaDoBiteMo. Come January first, I will post a Before and After of my hands. I really think I'll be able to do this! I'll just have to keep my hands busy by forking in mouthfuls of cheesecake during episodes of Storm Chasers or something. Gee, how will I ever cope? It'll be sort of a preemptive New Years' resolution...but with cheesecake. Cool.

Hangin' (Tough) with Over-Thinker. That's right, I went to a NKOTB concert. Jealous? No? Suck it then.

2008-11-13T19:18:00.008-06:00

BEFORE
(Whoa. Huh, apparently, back in the day, I liked my guys to sport updo's)

AFTER
(niiiiiiice)

Hahahahaha, just kidding. Like I would go to a New Kids on the Block concert. Shhhaaaaaaaaaaa right!

Okay. Sha right. I did. And I loved it. But, in a totally respectable manner. Let me set the stage for how my brush with teen idol greatness came to be. From this point on, I'll be referring to them as NKOTB--not because I'm trying to sound cool (because, let's face it--this is a post about New Kids on the Block....The "coolness ship" has sailed....in fact, it just sank)--but because it's much easier to type.

I'll go ahead and make copious references to NKOTB songs...
Here, I'll take it STEP BY STEP!!

My Journey to The Block--

(hell yes, I DID just call it that)

1. The company I work for typically has a lot of concert tickets for sale--at pretty good discounts (hence, I will be seeing Wicked in a few short weeks). My co-worker, R, saw that NKOTB would be in town. Over lunch, she announced this fact to a bunch of us sitting around. I believe she said (in a totally timid way...apparently she was thinking that people MIGHT possibly give her crap for showing interest in this concert), "I wonder if anyone at XXXXXX* is going to go the that concert." This was met by about 10 huge guffaws of laughter and one, "SHUT UP!! SHUTUPSHUTUP!! They're coming?!! I would totally go!!" Too bad the 10 huge guffaws didn't cover up my 12-year-old enthusiasm. I swear, I yelled like Paul Revere lettin' loose that the British were on their way. Chill. Pill. What. Is. That.

2. So, the 2 of us bought our tickets---gee, go figure, no one else wanted to go. Whatevs...the 80's were calling us on our light-up, clear, plastic phones and we were so totally answering. Like majorly. Yeah, we're 30ish. Yeah, we've still got THE RIGHT STUFF.

3. At this point, I must preface that although R & I are NKOTB fans, neither of us were THOSE fans. I never had THE SHEETS, THE GINORMOUS BUTTONS, etc. I might possibly have had so many NKOTB posters (36/wall) in my room that my parents may have had to repaint the room after I moved out. Really though--I kept it pretty subtle. Dance Contest Series, T-Shirts, 100+ posters, 20,000 mixed tapes. All joking aside---my dance routine (complete with nightgown+generic ballet type slippers+belt around said nightgown) to I'LL BE LOVING YOU (FOREVER) brought the house down. And by "house down" I mean my parent's dying inside as they realized that they had raised a dipshit.

4. The night of the concert, R & I discussed that we would not be dressing like moronic cougars. We were going to play it cool (as one can play while attending a NKOTB concert). When we got to the concert location, we saw ninebagazillion 30 to 40+ -year-olds dressed in their daughters' clothing. Also, there was a lot of fringe and glitter. I was all, "Where's the mechanical bull?" No bull. Just a lot of super-confident women, living vicariously through memories of their teen years, taking it a step too far, and looking like they were on day passes from a Sanitarium/Whorehouse....but anyhoooooo.

5. When the manboys took the stage, all bets were off. R & I let out our fair share of screams, but for the most part, we maintained a certain level of decorum. It was kind of funny--the two rows of seats, in front and back of us, were filled with people from our (very large) company. I think we were all trying to maintain a "ha-ha, thought this might be fun, I'm totally not a freak" look. While inside we were all hoping for a wardrobe malfunction from Donnie. AND IT HAPPENED!!! His belt came undone and there were hopes for more. He is the "bad boy" afterall. Alas, the pants stayed up.

6. Speaking of pantalones....Joey-Joe (our personal favorite) was rockin' the skinny jeans. And by rockin' I mean Jesus Christ, I think he jumped from a 3-story building to get into those things. I suppose the tightness helped him reach the high notes in PLEASE DON'T GO GIRL. There was much swooning by the crowd and we did see a pair of underwear thrown on stage. No joke.

7. Nearly 20 years later (Holy Mother of God--20!!!), they are still SO GOOD. Regardless of the gag-me fact that they are a boyband, they are still REALLY good. Especially when you take into account that they're all in their mid to late 30's and I'm thinking that one of them is 40. They moved around on stage like they were teenagers and their voices hit the notes that only dogs (and cougars) could hear. I would definitely go (without telling anyone) again. My love for them will be HANGIN' TOUGH.

....but only on the inside because hello? No way my co-workers and husband would let me live down seeing them TWICE.

*XXXXXX=The company I work for. Not a really, really dirty movie.

You are totally going to have to wait for the Embarrassing Concert of the Century

2008-11-12T19:46:00.006-06:00

Yes, I've become one of those people. Those people who tell you, "I have something to tell you! It's awesome!" "But I can't tell you until later." I'm super fun.

I just had drinks (three! glasses! of! WINE!) with an old co-worker of mine (who has totally moved onto a better paying job and who is totally not dangling (huh, dangling) that in my face) and I totally am unable to be a good blogger right now. In fact, I can't believe my fingers are actually finding the keyboard. Or mouse. (Actually, I just clicked the calculator, attempting to open a window. Awesome. Hi Mom!)

I would like to dedicate this buzzy post to my blogging BFF (because that's what you do when you drink and blog, right?)

HILLARY!!!!!!

We are very much alike. It's scary. In fact, her (NEW!) husband, Shawn, should count his lucky stars that I don't live there because the two of us would get into so much trouble. She is awesome beyond words. So. I'm really hoping that she, too, didn't go out with a former co-worker tonight...I'm sure her post is golden. (Hills, I owe you one.)

Okay, just popped over to her blog to see if she was full of bloggy-content and saw that Hills is linking to another blogger today, but it's a pretty important link. Seriously. No joke--sobering stuff. I'm about to check it out myself. Let's go together.

Chasing Christmas---Preempted by Stadium Pal

2008-11-11T18:07:00.007-06:00

So, we were in the kitchen and C asked me what I was going to blog about. I told him "I can't remember what the schedule said," to which he replied, "I think you're doing your Chasing Christmas post," to which I replied...."Ohhh crap! That's, like, a thinking-post. I don't want to do any thinking," to which he replied, "Okay, Over-Thinker," to which I responded with a sucker punch to his arm. Don't mess with me, C--I'm skilled and punchy when pooped. I am tired. And that post was supposed to be a good one. Ya know, not like the usual drivel. So, I'm saving it--for a couple of weeks.

Instead, how about I rip off Jess's idea of featuring a bit of someone else's humor? Jess supplemented her bloggy-goodness with Richard Simmons-style hilarity---God..could you imagine if he went by Dick Simmons? Talk about perfection.

No Dicky Simmons on this post, but I do have David Sedaris and his Stadium Pal. I would like to be David Sedaris when I grow up-- I want to create brilliant, humorous books of prose and to live in France with a man. He can keep his Stadium Pal.

Free Sunglass-Thingys! Ugly! But Free! (But ugly..) (Actually Butt-Ugly)

2008-11-10T18:16:00.007-06:00

The enthusiasm over this post idea (through comments and e-mails) made me realize that you're all as crazy as I am. And for that, I am relieved. One of us! One of us!

Remember how I gifted Hills & Shawn with some beautiful elder-wear in the form of glaucoma-check glasses? Well as soon as I outfitted Shawn with the specs, I received a lovely pair from my own optician. But now, instead of the wrap-around methodology, they've gone a bit more minimalist and removed the frame part that actually rests over the ears; now all that remains is something that simply screams: John Lennon-y pince-nez. Actually, all that remains is something really, really ugly.

All apologies for the somewhat stringy Jersey-Girl hair.
Naturally curly hair + no time for flat-iron love = Niiiiiiiiice.

Remember being embarrassed by your dad's clip-on eye-wear? This is MUCH worse. So, of course, I'm saving them to wear on outings with my children. I'll slip 'em on right before I grab their 13-year-old hands to skip across the parking lot, all the time telling them how radical/awesome/sweet (whatever the word-of-the-day 10 years prior was) they are. Maybe I'll even flash some signs--to let their classmates know their mom has street-cred.

Yeah, that's all I've got. What wasn't captured in the photo was the chest-knock-knock before I tossed the sign. Also slightly magical is my hand, completely void of pigment.

Jess, I know you thought this might actually be a giveaway, so I apologize for any disappointment. BUT if I get a free napkin at a restaurant, I'll totally toss that into the next contest. Will that fill the void? :-)

I'm hoping my next toothbrush will come with an emery board or maybe a can of peas. Because really, that would be helpful.

2008-11-09T13:06:00.006-06:00

I purchased this toothbrush because of the colors:
Orange, Pink & Purple.

Totally necessary morning colors. Also because the other toothbrushes were like blue, blue and blue OR red, white and blue. I could only use a red, white & blue toothbrush if I also had a flag towel. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't want visitors to take one look at our bathroom and think for even a moment that I might wear flag-clothing. (A cardinal sin to me.) Flag-clothing and overalls. And button fly pants...cripes, this is for another post. I DIGRESS.....

I'm a tongue-brusher. I have always been a tongue-brusher. I don't feel like I've had a successful brushing experience until the bristles have touch my uvula and I've gagged at least twice. Don't get me wrong--I'm not a bulimic (one look at my thighs would tell you that).

So, imagine my surprise when, at home, reading the toothbrush packaging, I noticed that the back of the toothbrush had a BONIFIED "Tongue & Cheek Cleaner." What the hell, Colgate? Is this really necessary? I mean, aren't the BRISTLES used for cleaning/BRUSHING just fine? They are what I've been using for years. Done brushing the teeth? Rinse off the toothbrush and head back in to brush the tongue and cheeks. Not once have I thought, "Hmm...I would really like to brush my tongue and cheeks but I don't know what to use. Should I use my loofah? Maybe my pumice stone? Nah..I'll just skip it. Wish my toothBRUSH had something I could use..."

It's like a product that has used up all of it's "New!" "Now with!" and "Better than Ever!" ideas...A toothbrush is a toothbrush, Colgate. I'm okay with that. Some gadgets are what they are. You don't need to sell me on the obvious or add something that's redundant and stupid...i.e. A toilet plunger--with wow!!--another toilet plunger on the other side of the stick! FINALLY. I can stop using my hands to plunge the toilet when I get sick of using Plunger A! Whee!!!

Low Traffic Saturdays

2008-11-08T20:18:00.006-06:00

As I know a lot of people take a break from blogging on the weekends (or for a whole month..or, something, I wouldn't know....), I've decided to not really do a post post, but more of a syllabus for the upcoming week....

Sunday: I'm sure this will be a super-awesome post. I'm seriously considering writing about the "tongue-brushing-side" of toothbrushes. Hold on to your seats...

Monday: Free Sunglasses--they're ugly. BUT FREE!!! But UGLY!!!

Tuesday: Chasing Christmas and other actionable offenses at Casa de Over-Thinker

Wednesday: I went to a concert. One that might, in fact, make you want to go off me for a while. Or else, it may make you fall in love with me all over again. But, probably the former...

Thursday: Take a Photo MeMe: Home Tour Edition

Friday: One time? At band camp? Another moronic moment in the history of Moi.

Sounds like a fun time, yes?*

*Fun time is equal to counting blades of grass, passing a gall stone or watching people play video games.

I am an IDIOT & Automatic Flushing Toilets: Machines of the Devil

2008-11-07T18:14:00.015-06:00

It's a well-known fact that I can craft an entire post based upon completely stupid topics. Does anyone remember the Yard Stick Suspenders? Really--I now own 6 pairs. DAMMIT. I should have made a pair of 'em yesterday's give-away. Poop---well, maybe next time.

Anywhoooo...moving on...

Not. So. Much.

Part I

Mortification Complete

So, on Thursday, I was walking down the incredibly long hallway at my workplace, on my way to the restroom. In this long hallway, there are MANY bathrooms. The first one is about 20 paces from my office door. I apparently miscounted my paces (ya know, cause I was busy doing the hallway-hello) and....I entered the Men's Bathroom. NOT COOL.

This hallway is very busy--in fact, it's called "The Main Stem." MUCH traffic. MANY witnesses. NO WAY IN HELL to back out of that little slice of awkward. AND I actually walked like FIVE steps into the bathroom---the door almost shut all the way before I realized where I was!

And the Y-Chromosome'd Cherry on Top of that Bathroom Sundae? I literally walked into a guy on his way out of the bathroom!! I think the mini-girl screams we each let out brought more attention to my little faux pas. Now, if I would've exited the men's room to some laughter & "way-to-go applause," I would've been fine with that. But no. NO ONE WOULD LOOK AT ME AND THEY TOTALLY RAN AWAY FROM ME (hopefully not in the direction of HR).

Part II Salt (Toilet Water) in the Wound

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch (the CORRECTLY-SEX'D BATHROOM)....I decided I needed a bit of pampering, so I chose the Handicap Stall...hey, a girl needs some room to pace in private after she performs an unintentional act of sexual harassment. When I finally calmed down, I realized that I still had to "go" so I took a seat. And, before I was "done," the toilet flushed! Sonofa!! Come ON! I was NOT planning on a SURPRISE BIDET! So, now my butt's all wet with God knows what liquid-germiness. And it's not like I could hop up in the air, away from the Flush (I was still peeing!!).

Nooooo....I had to sit there, getting "watered" by Old Urine Faithful! Normally, this type of situation would freak me out to the point of rocking back and forth and going to a "happy place," but for some reason, I was really pissed off (no freaking pun intended). So, I cleaned up as much as I could and went back to my office. Being all OCD, I have a huge tub of Clorox Wipes at my desk. YES I DID. I HAD NO CHOICE!!!!! Don't think they'll be putting that on their commercials anytime soon. Don't think I'll be sitting down to pee anytime soon. Welcome to Hover-Town.

Who woulda thunk it!? All I needed to do was offer up something Pink and Mysterious and my Traffic goes through the roof!!

2008-11-06T16:48:00.014-06:00

Oh, you funny, funny people. I can't tell you how much you made me laugh. Sparklie, when I read your initial entry, I thought you were just using rough, street-cred-type talk. Until I found out that you were just special :-)

And Natalie? The comparison of my thumb to a dimpled thigh nearly made me pee myself! Well done! Seriously--thank GOD for random.org because there is no way I could have picked a favorite. You all are hilarious.

Miss Hyphen? Such initiative! The multiple entries! I am totally awarding you extra-credit in the form of a unique shout-out:

Go Check-Out the Contents of Hyphen-Mama's Bra!!

And now, for the winner of this

Pink, Mysterious, EXTRAVAGANZA!!!

The winner (chosen by Random.org) is:

MEG!!!!
(Yes, that really is Meg. Holding a Pineapple. Isn't she fantastic? I totally think so.)

Also, she's been telling me for nearly a year now that she will be doing/wants to do a seasonal-fruit-in-the-bathroom photo shoot, but so far? Nothing. I've been looking at that pineapple since last February. Meg? Maybe it's time for a pear.

Meg's Captcha contribution:
SUSCR
*drunken slur* Glass of suscr and vodka please

----Even when she's drunk, she's polite!----

And what has she won?

The most soft-est, comfy-est

PINK SOCKS ON THE PLANET!!
Please note that the hideous yellow light does not come with the socks.

(Nate? Aren't you just so ticked-off that you didn't win a pair of pink, fluffy socks? You could have worn them to work! Or out to the bar with the guys! Better luck next time.
Maybe I'll give away a bra in the next contest.)

You'll be happy to know that the money used to purchase the socks goes to a very worthy cause:

The Red Dress Campaign

(hence the little red dress logo)

MEG: Please send your mailing address to
theartofoverthinking(at)gmail(dot)com

Tomorrow, this blog will return to it's

normally scheduled programming of pure and utter class...

AUTOMATIC FLUSHING TOILETS:

MACHINES OF THE DEVIL

Wordless Wednesday: Pink Surprise Edition

2008-11-05T17:35:00.005-06:00

So, I've never been big on the whole shutting up thing. And I was always the first to lose the "quiet game." Not a surprise that I can't keep my mouth shut on what's supposed to be a wordless post. But I'll be brief. Actually, probably more like boxer briefs...

It's time for a contest. I'm giving something away. It's a surprise! And oh, it's going to be a shame if you don't win this....you'll be very, very upset. The loss could be, dare I say, tragic to some.
I am not dramatic at all.

Here is your visual clue.

I'm a little disturbed by how much my thumb looks like an elephant trunk.

Lately, many of you have been sharing your captcha (word verifications).
I've been seeing some super interesting ones on your blogs, too.

My favorites include:
BINGJA
WELLIHOO
NUNSY
WASTIN

Oh Nunsy! Wellihoo!! You there? Quit wastin your day and come over for a game of Bingja!

I think you see where this is going....if you don't, time to lay off the drink.

To enter the contest, this is what you need to do:
1. Leave a comment with your captcha.
2. Use your captcha in a sentence.

This will be like our little nerdy game of Balderdash. Or is that redundant?

In tomorrow's Evening Post (hahahahaha, that was awesome. Don't get it? Again, time to lay off the drink.) I'll announce the winner of the mysterious pink item, chosen by some whoosit whatsit online that will randomly do it for me!

Good luck! Hope you captcha a good one!!! BWahahaha!

A Matter of Change

2008-11-04T19:37:00.004-06:00

Besides the Lucy post, I haven't really
been serious about anything on here.

C and I just returned from casting our votes.
I nearly cried in the booth. I nearly cried at dinner. I'm nearly crying now.

I've never felt so strongly about my vote, my hopes, my anticipation.
My future. Our future.
Never in my life have I cared so much.

Now--along with America, we wait.

Regardless of your political affiliation, I hope you voted today--with passion.
With A LOT of passion.

I'm in print! I'm in print!

2008-11-03T19:05:00.006-06:00

Celebrity is as celebrity does!!

Okay, my name's now on a Starbuck's card, but hello? That totally counts.

Remember FriYet and her lovely lemon-colored, 1st-Place Runner-Up, locks?

Well, FriYet had a kick-ass little contest over on her blog. I entered said contest and totally killed. My entry was obviously the superiorest..uh, -est!!!!!!!! MWahahahahahaha! Heh. I'm thinking that FriYet is starting to reconsider calling me a winner.

Check out my credentials.

This little number totally replaces my Jelly-of-the-Month membership card. I'll just flash this baby while at numerous locations (Starbucks) and get loads of free stuff (Starbucks coffee) and get the respect of all of my peers (Starbucks' employees). Shut up.

How did I win it? Well, FriYet challenged her readers with the following:
If you could beat her current play-list segue of DEAD KENNEDYS to DEAN MARTIN in either your IPod or your CD collection, she would give you a Starbucks' gift card. And I won! If you look closely at the card, you can see she further personalized it with, "Listens to Copeland's Appalachian Spring....to....Boo Sings!" How cool is that!? The personalized card. NOT the fact that I have a Boo-Berry Cereal soundtrack in my CD collection. Because really, that's, like, beyond cool--wouldn't you say? No? Again, shut up.

Her generosity is rubbing off on me and on Wednesday, I will be holding a contest with a give-away. Boys--be warned, the prize is pink. That is all I can reveal. In fact, that's all that will be revealed until I announce the winner. Ooooo, mysterious pink things ahead!! I keep trying to type something clever to follow that sentence and everything just sounds dirty, so I think I'll stop. Happy, Mom? Yeah, thought so. :-)

Quote-Fingers McGee and other People I don't wish to become--oh God, I'm Quote Fingers McGee!!!! Nooooo!

2008-11-02T21:16:00.007-06:00

Other pair of quote-fingers doing double-duty of taking the picture.
But, I was still thinking the total gesture in my head, so it totally counts.

Using Quote-Fingers is ADDICTIVE! I tend to use them when it's so painfully obvious in the intonation of my voice (quote-intonation-fingers, if you will) that my quote-fingers are dreadfully redundant. I seem to use Quote-Fingers A LOT these days--they're becoming a crutch. I'm becoming THAT person. I need to wear more pants with pockets so I can put YE WEAPONS OF TRUTH AWAY!!!

I also use a lot of quote-fingers in my writing. I eschew the italics--they're just too grown-up for me. I like the more, in-your-face, ho-ho-ho! of the written quotes. I know it's usually unnecessary. But really, for the most part, so are a majority of my thoughts.

Quote-fingers are just one step away from another overused hand-gesture. No, I'm not speaking of the good ol' finger, but moreover, the finger-gun, used by car-salesmen and smarmy people the world over. It's never effective. Except for the photo below, I've never honestly used that gesture...in fact, I think it's the law that you have to say, "You've got it, Babe," and to also make a tongue clicking noise whilst "firing" your finger-gun. This gesture works best when wearing a bolo tie.

Okay, so I need to quit it with the whole quote-fingers thing and the finger-gun is NOT an option. Unfortunately, my assholeness has not been limited to the errant gesture--Lately, I've been really close to setting off the puke-green alert (similar to the Amber Alert, but mainly for moronic tendencies) with using the following phrase:

"I know, right?"

AFTER WAY TOO MANY THINGS!!!! It always makes me sound WAY more enthusiastic about whatever topic is being discussed. For instance:
Co-Worker: I am so tired.
Me: I know, right???

It's like it's the new "Me, too!"----gag. I make myself gag. Not "gag," but GAG.

I'm pretty sure it would be a catchphrase that DJ Tanner, a la Full House, circa 1980-whatever would use in the midst of a pow wow with Kimmy Gibbler. But for some damn reason, I feel I MUST work this into my lingo of 2008. It comes off as Valley-Girl meets oh, I don't know---ME. Not pretty. Must quit that crap, too.

What about you? What phrase or gesture do you employ that makes you want to give yourself a wedgie?? This can be our little self-help comment-circle. If you see a phrase or gesture listed in the comments, consider yourself warned--you're probably pissing-off/annoying the hell out of at least 5 people per day. Ya know, just FYI, LOVE YOU!

I'm baaaaaack! For 30 days straight, the sarcasm will be a-flowin'. Your RSS feed won't know what hit it!

2008-11-01T16:31:00.006-05:00

Photo, minus artful lettering, courtesy of:
killtboy

Helloooooooo Readers!
I'm making my triumphant return to the blogosphere!!

Yes, my September nablobuttblow did sort of suck the life out of me. But! That was because I didn't have a plan! Also, I sort of, kind of, forgot to add any of those 30 posts to my, um, Nablopomo page, um, sort of completely defeating the purpose of, um, joining Nablopomo. And, now that I've referred to them as nablobuttblow, I don't think they'll be welcoming me with open arms. But, we'll see...

This time, I have a plan--a magical list, if you will. A list that will guide me down the path paved in comments and new bloggy-friends. I have 30 topics written down (with pencil! on that sheety stuff call PAPER!) that will help me through the warzone of consequtive posts! Again, I must ask, how the heck do all of you daily-posters do it?? I love you guys! I want to be like you when I grow up! I'll let you know when that happens!

Did I mention that this path is best walked down while holding the hand of another blogger?? In September, Jess was my co-dependent blogger-- for November, I've recruited another sucker, Hillary, to walk down Glutton-for-Punishment (& comments! Don't forget the comments!) Lane with me. Please note that Jess is once again posting every day this month, but not really, because she is a total weakling and cheater and is getting help from both Bridgy & Al so really, she's only posting for 1/3 of the days in the month. But, whatever, Jess! (Just kidding Jessie! I love you! Don't hit me with a can of Miller Lite!)

So, hold onto your hats and wigs, folks....
this month is gonna "Blo!!!!!!!!!"

Also, I will actually be VISITING and COMMENTING on my favorite blogs!! Oh! And I almost forgot! **I will be shoving linky-love down a bunch of NEW BLOGS' throats!** This month is going to be one helluva a comeback---Britney Spears style. But not the VMA Britney, but more like the recent, hey-I-wear-underpants-Britney!

Slow Talkers, Public Sexified Gluttony & When Things go South and your Butt Crack Becomes a "Y"

2008-09-30T19:42:00.016-05:00

(For those wondering why the hell I have that photo up there...click here)

30 posts in 30 days!!!!!!!!!

(Now I'm pretty sure it's going to be my blog's "time of the month" so it will need to call-in for a few days...)

Well Holy Shite....I freakin' made it. Such a feat, I know. I've just accomplished what most bloggers do each month. Here, I'm acting like I need to pull a "celebrity" and check into some place for treatment of "exhaustion." Still, that doesn't sound half bad.

Onto the exciting stuff...

The winner of the Hair Pageant!

...with 30% of the votes, is NATALIE & PUPPY!!

Natalie, continuing with my blog's theme of ZERO CONTINUITY,
you have won a recipe deck for Tapas!
Nothing says Yarn Hair like Spanish Cooking!!!

Shoot me an e-mail at:
theartofoverthinking AT gmail DOT com

..and let me know where to send it!

Onto what the title promised:

First off, to qualify this a bit, you must know that I'm a people watcher. Moreover, a people gawker. If you go anywhere with me, there's an exceptional chance that I'll lean over to you once or 65 times during the course of the outing to comment-whisper on something someone said, is wearing, etc. My husband is lucky.

Slow Talkers
At the game on Sunday, we sat in the "cheap seats." What these seats should really be called is: Have fun sitting around the MoFo Dingalings! C and I sat in front of these 2 sisters who had like 3 conversations for the DURATION of the game. They were slow-talkers. Like just a beat too slow. That speed just below acceptable where you want to make the "get on with it" hand gesture. The 3 topics that took 9 innings to cover were:

(say each of these things about 30 times at 1/2 the speed
of normal speech & you'll feel my pain)

Mom is so tricky! She said she's not watching the game at home but I just called her and I can tell she's watching the game at home!
Did you get a hot dog? I was going to get a hot dog. Are you going to get a hot dog? I'm going to go get a hot dog. Did you decide if you wanted a hot dog?
I think it would be fun to have our birthday parties here. We could bring everyone here and we could watch the game. Do you think we should have our birthday party here? What's the score? Are they going to be in the play-offs? Is your birthday on a Sunday next year? I really like this hot dog!

(blablablablaaaaaaaaaaaaaah)

Public Sexified Gluttony
So, the slow-talking was going on behind us. Directly in front of us was this large couple. This couple was wearing matching jerseys. Let me just say that I, too, have a few pounds to lose, but if there's anything I know, it's that you don't need to LOOK your weight--dress appropriately and hold yourself in a way that allows your weight to fall under the radar. That said, jersey-like/mesh material and low-riders do not bode well for those that are trying to fly under said radar.

Okay, so, about every 20 minutes, the guy would get up, go to the snack bar and return with something to eat. And then he would FEED IT TO HIS WIFE. And she would open her mouth wide and close her eyes like she was Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. She was no Kim Basinger. Also, she usually had some food dredges remaining in her teeth from his last trek to the snack bar, so she shared that with everyone as well. PUKE. By the end of the game, they had consumed (this is NOT an exagerration):

2 large "dome" dogs
2 smaller hot dogs
1 large popcorn
1 bag of cotton candy (this one was hideous to watch)
1 bag of peanuts in the shell
2 large sodas
1 bag of chips
1 malted ice cream cup
1 mini-baseball hat of frozen yogurt
1 tray of nachos

When Things go South and Your Butt Crack Becomes a "Y"
This was achieved by the above couple. I need to give C credit for pointing it out to me. Or, maybe I'll hate him forever for placing this descriptor into my brain, burning it there for all of eternity. It is achieved when your butt cheeks are so huge and your pants are so tight and low cut that your buns try to make a run for the border. I'm going to have to refer to my photoshop skillz on this one:

Normal Butt

Going South and Visiting the "Y"
Sort of looks like boobs.

On THAT note! I've made it! I'm done!!
I don't know about you, Jess, but I think I need a mojito.

My 6 Addictions (dammit, Hillary)

2008-09-29T19:25:00.004-05:00

I've been tagged out of spite.

Spiteful Hillary has tagged me with a meme of 6 Addictions. Wanker.
And to think I gave her a beautiful shawl via Photoshop. Wanker.
Wanker, wanker, wanker. I love that word.

I was going for an "addiction pose"--instead, I've captured "playing a wine bottle as if it were a trumpet."

6 Addictions (in no particular order)

Helping the Homeless
Reading the Bible
Collecting for Charity
Mentoring Young Adults
Heroin
Working at the Animal Shelter

...just kidding, Mom.
I no longer collect for Charity.

6 Addictions (for reals):

TV Crime/Mystery Shows
I can easily blow an entire day watching 12 recorded episodes (taking occasional breaks to pee and get sunflower seeds and Diet Ginger Ale from the kitchen) of CSI, The Closer, Cold Case, Law & Order, Heroin is Fun, Monk, Psych, etc....

Sunflower Seeds & Diet Ginger Ale
I must have these by my side in order to fully enjoy a TV Crime/Mystery Show. If not, I get all antsy and fidgety. This is when heroin is helpful.

Books
Not a day goes by when I don't read at least a 1/4 of an entire book. MUST read. I usually get through half of a novel while waiting for my weekly interventions by the intake counselor. I'm a terribly well-rounded individual--I owe my delusional capacity to my aversion of non-fiction.

Elastic
As in waistbands. Not sure how to weave heroin into this one, so I'll let it go.

Sarcasm
Obviously. I rarely function without a loaded gun of smart ass. I've tried to reel-it-in, to no avail (most of the time). I like to make people laugh--this definitely includes myself. Actually, for the most part, I'm the only one laughing. I mean, you should hear me over here on the other side of the monitor---I'm laughing my ass off!! I kill me!! Heroin is bad!! See? Sarcasm.

Making Lists
FOR EVERYTHING. It's my anorexia--it's how I stay in control. No list? I lose my mind. Then my keys. Then I die a little inside. Then I make a list about what I'll need to re-arrange within my soul to make room for the dying. Then I get out my highlighter. Because no list is complete without a colored line striking through the date.

P.S. I don't actually DO heroin.
P.P.S. I'd better remove it from my to-do list.

A "Home Stretch" Syllabus and blah blah blah...

2008-09-28T20:18:00.008-05:00

C & I went to the game today. Our beloved Twinkies kick major-league ass. They are now in the homestretch of the race for the play-offs. Oh heavenly day...

2008 World Champions
(mark my word)

What a totally unplanned segue into....writing about the home stretch for NaBloPoMo...for posting every, single, godforsaken day in September. Some days have been tough. Some days I come home from work, run to something else, run home, run to the couch to be a lazy slob and then remember that I've made a commitment to my needy little blog. Don't get me wrong--I LOVE writing. I'm just lazy. I think for October, I'll make it a goal to watch TV and eat something every single day. I'll win the GOLD...just you watch.

Some housekeeping...

Remember to place your vote in The 2008 Yarn Pageant
Angela, FriYet, Hillary (& Shawn), Jess (& Paul) and Natalie (& Puppy) would appreciate your vote--the winner will be sent a totally lovely, totally-not-yarn, gift.
Polls will close on Tuesday afternoon and I'll post the results on Wednesday.

Topics for the remaining 2, count 'em, 2 days:
(dear Lord, Jess, can you believe we've nearly made it??)

MONDAY:
My 6 Addictions (dammit, Hillary)
TUESDAY:
The FINAL Post
Slow Talkers, Public Sexified Gluttony &
When Things go South and your Butt Crack Becomes a "Y"

Now go VOTE and I'll see you tomorrow!

Photoshop Phun: The Yarn Pageant!!

2008-09-27T17:20:00.014-05:00

Welcome to the 2008 Yarn Pageant!!
This year promises to have the best lookers, yet.

May I present to you, in no particular order, the contestants...

Why it's Angela! She's chosen to go "Avant Garde Cabbage Patch" with 1985 mini-blind shades and an overall red hue on her yarn hair with black tips. She's youthful and can pull this look off like no other. Her girlfriend, Kasey, isn't in this picture, as she's catching up on the latest Grey's Anatomy because she now shares Angela's obsession and promises to no longer make fun of it and will continue buying Angela Grey's Anatomy-themed mugs.

It's FriYet! She's in the car on the way to her 1st day at Cabbage Patch Elementary! She's so excited to be wearing her acrylic hair in the latest 20-pony-tail-holder pig-tails! Her brand new polka-dot blouse really makes her yellow hair POP!

For their 55th wedding anniversary, Hillary and Shawn are in Mexico! Both are salt and pepper yarnified and they look like they're enjoying themselves! As we know, old people are always cold, so Hillary is wearing her favorite black and purple shawl and Shawn is wearing his favorite plaid flannel shirt with the built-in cape. Shawn didn't want to waste money on actual sunglasses so he's wearing the glasses he got for free at his last glaucoma check at the clinic! Aren't they cute?

This is Jess and her hubby Paul! They're out frolicking in the woods after a long day of drinking Miller Lite (see the cans in the background?). They're our present-day Raggedy Ann & Andy with updates! Paul is edgy with his bleached Van Dyke goatee and Jess is rocking a beautiful French manicure--brightened up just slightly with Photoshop. What a happy, attractive couple!

Here is Natalie with an adorable pooch, enjoying a nice day out in Turkey, sipping a Welch's Grape Soda! Natalie is sporting the latest in Cabbage Patch hair--an orange perm. Notice the subtle blonde highlights around the face? They set off her dental implants. Natalie's a bit of an over-achiever and has braces on top of her capped-teeth. She's taking no chances. Like they say, after awhile, most pet owners start to look like their pets---notice how Puppy is wearing Natalie-style sunglasses? Puppy is also having some cosmetic dentistry done. What a happy pair! Couldn't ask for 2 finer individuals to represet the US over in Turkey!

Please take a moment to vote for your favorite entry!!! The person(s) with the highest number of votes will receive a lovely prize from The Over-Thinker. And she promises that the prize is not yarn.

Footwear Fridays: Pink Shoes Edition

2008-09-26T22:56:00.005-05:00

FYI, I've had 3 margaritas...I don't know if this is me bragging or more of a warning...

So...pink shoes pink shoes pink shoes. Here they are! I even took the photo over lunch! At my desk! Usually I'm in the kitchen, but I eat lunch at my desk--is that an oxymoron? Or maybe just ironic? Sra, help me out on this one...vocabularize me. (Vocabularize is a word endorsed by the Bush Administration.)

Action-y side shot!

Feet up on the desk-shot! (Boss-y no look-y)
Willy Wonka purple phone makes appearance in the background.

In-step
Massive coffee cup in the background filled with Diet A&W Cream Soda.
The breakfast & lunch of champions.

I love these shoes. Diesel brand makes a comfortable tennis shoe. They're the kind of shoe that is so unique it's ugly but it's cute. I get a lot of compliments on these. People always ask where I bought them and I have to tell them I picked them up almost 2 years ago. And I'm being honest. Not like one of those women that never tell you where they got a purse or a cute pair of shoes because they DON'T WANT TO SHARE FASHION---HELLO??? Bitches. ANYwho....(margaritas are talking)...You'll ask them, "I love that bag! Can I ask where you got it?" and they'll answer "Oh, I can't really remember, and it was so long ago." And then you see the bag at DSW on Saturday. I must reiterate: Bitches.

ANYwho (for real this time), I picked them up at DSW in the Fall of 2006 (I think) and paid about 50.00 for them (non-DSW price is around 85.00). Diesel has a pretty cool philosophy about their design--the shoes are handmade (at least these are) and they came with a card that said every shoe is unique--none are exactly the same. I choose to think this is cool and not some lofty way of rationalizing shitty craftsmanship by stitchers drunk on margaritas.

Remeber to submit your photos for the Yarnification! Sparklie, Jess & her Hubs and FriYet have submitted their entries for the Pageant of Yarniness being held tomorrow evening.
It's not too late to enter!
(Hello Hillary and Meg? Since when don't you enter contests??)

Another one for the "Holy Crap I was a HUGE DORK"-Pile

2008-09-25T19:14:00.004-05:00

As promised, it's time for another trip in the way-back-machine to a little place I like to call Dorkland. Yes, I still visit it from time to time...but when I was in 5th grade, I owned property there--a whole bunch of property.

If you can imagine, Dorkland is quite vast, so it's hard for me to decide where I'd like to take you. Hmm...let's start over here, in gym class....that looks promising.

Ohhh, gym class. Oh middle-school gym class.
I hate you. Die, DIE middle-school gym class.

(ahem)

I know we've discussed the fact that I have huge knockers, but I was a late bloomer. Gym class taught me that. On the first day of 5th grade gym, the boys and girls met separately. We started in the locker room where we were issued the gym uniform that, in future, I will refer to as Godforsaken Ugly Polyester, or GUP for short.

GUP is quite possibly the most unfortunate apparel that a pre-pubescent girl can wear. Not only does it cling to the flat planes of the chest, it also rides up the ass. This overall look was not helped by the fact that I was a child of the 80's. What better to accessorize your GUP than 65 jelly bracelets, rolled-down socks and lace-less shoes. HOT. Parents? That, right there, is basic birth-control---Make teenagers look so hideous that no one will even look at them. Forget sex education, make teenagers wear GUP uniforms until they're 30.

My GUP was baby-blue. I hated it. I was not a bra-wearing gal at the start of 5th grade. Back then, I really enjoyed a good Garanimals undershirt. Oh, I also enjoyed never shaving. Are you starting to understand this math? Undershirt+Hairy Legs=POPULAR? Yeahno.

In gym, we were divided into squads of 6. After changing into our GUP and putting on our KEDS, we headed to the gym and lined up into the squads. Each squad was assigned a line on the floor to sit on while everyone waited for the class to come out of the lockeroom. During this time, I usually did one of 3 things.

Looked at my hairy legs.
Looked at my fellow squad member's non-hairy legs.
Pretended to be wearing a bra (adjusting invisible straps, etc.)

After the first week of class, I realized that my current appearance and bra-less state did not bode well for my ascent into Popular-dom. At this rate, I would be socializing with the lunch ladies at noon recess. I needed to make a change. I went home and demanded (okay, cried until she caved) that my mom let me shave my legs and demanded (okay, cried again) until my mom took me to get a bra.

It's important to note that my parents have always been WELL-AWARE of my dorkiness. Just the year before, in 4th grade, I remember my parents taking me to the mall to do some shopping. They were encouraging me to start dressing like a young girl, and maybe less like a retired female softball coach. In addition to tucking everything into my underwear, I had a strong love for track suits---we're talking the ones MADE BY HANES. And really, when you're wearing a bright red, or bright purple (and sometimes for the hell of it, I would wear the red top with the purple bottom) track suit, nothing goes better than a turtle-neck patterned with flowers or bunnies. Not to mention two pigtails, pulled so tight that I was usually Asian for the first half of the day. I think my parents took one look at me and decided I was dancing perilously close to the edge of Dorkland and about to fall head-first into Short bus Territory. They intervened. But I held onto my undershirts & leg hair, boy howdy...until 5th grade.

So, the following Monday, with my newly shaved legs and stretchy, uncomfortable bra, I made my way to my squad where, from that point on, I did 3 things:

Ran my hands up and down my legs, trying to draw attention to the fact that I was SO grown-up and attractive.
Let my bra-strap fall off my shoulder, visibly seen peeking out, under the short sleeve, trying to draw attention to the fact that I was SO grown-up and attractive.
Cower whenever I hear one of the "Populars" say, "Oh my God, is she feeling herself up?"

I've sort of come full circle......now I shave my legs for "special occasions," I live in yoga-wear (the NEW track suit) and I rip off my bra at the first opportunity. And I only wear my GUP on really special occassions. I think I'll wear it to the meet-and-greet at BlogHer. MAYBE I'll shave my legs.

Photoshop is Phun: Hair Yarnification & You

2008-09-24T23:03:00.003-05:00

Have you ever thought, "Hey, my hair is so shiny and healthy, I really need a change! I'd really like to look like a doll from my childhood--say Raggedy Ann or maybe a Cabbage Patch Doll. Please! Someone help me with this awful head of shiny, lustrous hair!"

Dum du du DUM!!!!!!

Straight from my computer salon to your head, may I present hair washed with Yarnifier. Yarnifier has been years in the making but is now available to you in this once-in-a-lifetime offer!

You may be thinking,
"This is too good to be true!
What's the catch?
How much money will you charge me?"

The answers are Nu-uh! Nothing! Zip!

In order to be yarn-i-fied, you simply need to send your photo to Master Stylist, Over-Thinker, and she'll yarnify the ass outta your hair. Every single person who submits a photo by 5:00 pm (central time) on Saturday afternoon will be sporting festive follicles by that evening.

So...to be Yarnified:

1. Submit your photo (.jpg would be great) to:

theartofoverthinking AT gmail DOT com
(Title the e-mail "Yarn-ME")

2. In the comments (because, remember, I monitor my comment-count
like a shit-hawk--see #10), tell me.......

a) Do you prefer Raggedy Ann or Andy OR Cabbage Patch hair
b) Are you allergic to wool? If so, I will be sure to use a synthetic yarnifier.

Remember to check back on Saturday evening for the Hot-tot-tot Beauty Pageant.

*******Please note that it is up to the discretion of the Over-Thinker
if she feels you also need some dental work or a cape. Or horns.********

Calling all Jane & John Doe's II: Pee in the Pool Edition

2008-09-23T20:08:00.003-05:00

Ooooo....who is that? I don't know! It must be.......
Time for another

anonymous-comment-drive!!

For the first edition
of the Jane & John Doe posts,
I posed the following:

What is the worst fib/white lie/MAJOR lie you've told? And were you caught?
...and holy balls, did we get some juicy confessions. I've left the comments open, so feel free to go back to the 1st confessional and spill your guts if you haven't already.

Before we jump into the 2nd Edition, here's the gist of it for those who are first-time-participants:
Remember to submit your comments anonymously; make sure you're not signed in. And if you're worried that I'll be able to figure out who you are by doing something technological, you can trust that I have no idea how to do that and I'd sooner eat a piece of head cheese before learning how to do it. No time for love, Dr. Jones...

So here we go...GET READY FOR QUESTION#2
(no pun intended, but damn, that's pretty funny)

The QUESTION

What is the MOST disgusting thing you've done or considered doing?

Like last time, I'll chime in with my anonymous answer/comment in a bit, too.

Remember to encourage your readers to stop over and spill their guts, too. This could be a messy one.

Muffin Tops & High School Car Washes

2008-09-22T18:54:00.004-05:00

Firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please go visit her and wish her a Happy 29th Birthday!!
(Don't mention the number 32. We're not mentioning the number 32.)

So, on the way to the wine-tasting yesterday, we were at an intersection, waiting for the light to turn green and, along with the rest of the drivers, were accosted with a tag-board sign that looked something like this:

This sign was being held (actually, shimmied) by two girls, high school-age, dressed as, oh, how can I gently put this...

Prostitutes.

What the hell? And do you see the print below "Car Wash Today!!!"? YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. It's important to note that they were yelling that line. I'm fairly certain this phrase acts like a homing device for the skeevies of the world to pull their kidnap-van into the lot for a hand-wash (omg, I almost typed hand-job).

Want to know the best part? The car wash was in support of a Church Youth Group trip! Nothing says Christian Event like teenage muffin-tops and dish-washing soap!!

I know I was bitching yesterday, about being taken for an oldie...but I'm about to sound like an oldie right here--what the hell are teenage girls wearing these days? They leave for school in the morning wearing visible g-strings under Juicy velour pants, crop-tops and the most ginormous hoop earrings I've ever seen!! They look like hoochies!

And they get to stay at school dressed like that? I remember kids being sent home for wearing "Big Johnson" t-shirts. Remember those? Good Lord, my mom would have a cow if I would wear my jelly-shoes without socks!! (Okay, maybe it wasn't that bad, but times were much more conservative.) I'm all for kids finding their own identity and still dressing their age. It just seems like a lot of kids are finding the identity of HOOKER. (Please note, I feel strongly about adults dressing their age as well---you know who you are, 45-year-old woman borrowing your high-school age daughter's clothes and telling everyone that you and your high-school age daughter love to "share" clothes.)

I know I can't be alone in thinking this....please tell me I'm not alone.

Now...where did I put my ginormous hoop earrings and butt-cleavage jeans...I'm late for a car-wash.

I'm officially old-looking and A Syllabus for the Week Ahead

2008-09-21T17:24:00.006-05:00

Yes, that's really my ID in the wine glass---haHA!
C taught me how to use the blur tool so you can't see my weight!

We've returned from our triumphant wine tasting. Two things I have learned:
1) I hate dessert wine, and
2) Wine tasting=stingy samples.

Also, 3) I didn't get carded--the guy said I "just made it under his radar"...um, I'm 31? Aren't they supposed to card people that look 35 and younger? Does that mean he thought I looked 36? DaaaaaaMMIT. Maybe the Aveeno isn't kicking in as well as I had hoped?! Jackass. Doesn't he know that he should card women unless they're physically in a coffin?? Reminds me of ANOTHER time I was aged-up.....

Nicole and I were at a Mexican restaurant and we both ordered margaritas. I think I was 28 and she was 26 or 27--can't exactly remember (see, forgetfulness...it's already starting). I'm used to being carded all the time in Minnesota--they're pretty picky at restaurants. So, Nic and I had our ID's out. I think Nicole and I appear to be the same age. And I happen to think we both look young enough to card. Well, I did until THAT night. So...as I was saying, Nic and I both had our ID's ready before we even placed our drink order. The waiter wrote our orders on his tablet and said "I'll need to see your ID." We both oferred them up and he looked at me and said, "Oh, not yours." Well, then, sonny---there goes your tip!!! Here, I'll leave you a nickel--like the oldies do. Now, where can I find a "Red Hat Club" to join? Wonder if I can get Metamucil on the cheap via eBay?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Nicole found that MUCH more amusing that I did. SHUT UP NICOLE. You're an old, married woman now, so there....

ANYWHO....
***Shakes fist at disrespectful children***

So you can plan accordingly, the following will be The Art of Over-Thinking's post-schedule for the week. If a topic sounds sucky, you can plan ahead to delete the feed. Just trying to help out...

Monday: Muffin Tops & High School Car Washes
Tuesday: Calling all Jane & John Doe's II: Pee in the Pool Edition
Wednesday: Photoshop is Phun: Hair Yarnification Demos
Thursday: Moronic Tales from my Childhood
Friday: Footwear Friday, Pink Shoes Edition
Saturday: Photoshop Phun Phollow-Up...entries revealed
Sunday: Mystery Post (a.k.a. not sure what the hell I'm going to write about)

There you have it. Fill-in your calendars and get ready for one helluva week.
Ground-breaking material will be shared. Not for children.

SO BRING YOUR ID's LADIES & GENTS!!!!
(I'm carding every last one of you!)
(Because I care and I know it matters, dammit!!)

Wanna see Fidge give Abe the business?

2008-09-20T17:02:00.006-05:00

I took this video awhile ago--Fidge (Cone Head) had been home for a few days after having surgery on one of her gajillion toes. She found out that one of her favorite hiding places was no longer working out so well. The damn cone had foiled her plan. And Abe was enjoying the show. If the feed isn't too staticky (I think it will be...), you may be able to hear my voice. Isn't my voice just mellow and soothing? Just close your eyes and let the nasally goodness take you away to an island oasis....the snort is the cherry on top.

My favorite part of the video is the little parting gift/bitch-slap that Fidge gives Abe once she's free. Around these parts, we call that "Giving Abe the Business." Fidge is ALWAYS giving out her business card.

Happy Saturday! I'm still in my pajamas....and I don't think I can blame the smell on the cat-boxes. Time to hose-off. Then I'll put on clean pajamas and get back to watching TV. That's how I show Saturday "the business."

36 Pieces of Over-Thinker on the Wall, 36 pieces of the Over-Thinker!....Take one down, pass it around....This is the dumbest song in the world!

2008-09-19T18:29:00.006-05:00

Because you were so blown away by my mad PS skillz yesterday, may I present you with another piece of art. I gave C a cape, Chiclet gum teeth, a smarmy mustache and over-thinker glasses. I gave myself freckles and (see #34) braces.

I stole this post idea from Jess because she told me I could because she loves me.

Okay fine, she told all of her readers that they could steal it.
But I'm pretty sure that she still loves me.

36 Things About Me that you (probably) Didn't Know

1. I’ve never had pancakes or pickles. (I’m totally prepared for the barrage of comments on this one. Especially since I work in the culinary field.)

2. I don’t use a shaving cream- I use Dove bar soap for leg and armpit shaving.

3. I repeat the number “3” in my head when I feel like I’m going to pee my pants and for some reason it makes me not have to “go.” Try it. It works.

4. I cannot stand it when people scratch out mistakes when they’re writing with a pen. I am a firm believer in neatness and white-out. (Unless the mistake is in a card from Hillary that she filled out when she was drunk. Because that’s not a mistake, that’s framing-material and is awesome.)

5. I hate my legs and will sooner have heat stroke than wear shorts in public.

6. I think that grape Kool-Aid tastes like ketchup (and vice versa).

7. My favorite snack is in-the-shell sunflower seeds. I can “de-shell” them like a baseball player.

8. I don’t drink regular Coke too often. But at Christmas time, I must drink regular Coke because of the Santa Cans. The Pepsi Holiday Cans are inferior and stupid.

9. I am highly superstitious about numbers…especially the number 7 (I know, not too original). I purposely pump an amount of gas that is a multiple of 7 or has a 7 in the total charge.

10. I think my favorite color is green. But for some reason, I tell everyone it’s red.

11. I love school supplies—so much so that I help run a school-supply drive for a family center specifically so I can blow massive amount of cash at Office Depot.

12. I want to be British when I grow up. I have a tendency to throw British-y words into my conversations.

13. I love Ewan McGregor—but I find him incredibly attractive and disgusting all at the same time.

14. My mom said my early childhood behavior (having nothing to do with bed-wetting!) predicted what I’d “be” when I grew up—whenever Julia Child’s cooking program came on, and the theme song rolled, I would/crawl/wobble from wherever I happened to be in the house and stand in front of the TV, bouncing up and down to the music: BaRUM Bum Bum Badadadadadada BumBUM Ba Dum….

15. I can’t stand Meg Ryan.

16. I used to not be able to stand Nicole Kidman. But since she left Tom Cruise, I sort of love her.

17. My ears are TOTALLY unique. Uh, from each other. Doesn’t stop me from wearing my hair up.

18. I like doing “old lady things” like knitting, drinking tea, watching old movies and owning cats.

19. I flare my nose when I talk. Like, perpetually.

20. When I was a kid, I used to LOVE going to the motor-home show at the mall. My favorite brand of motor-home was “Mallard”—I think. Or maybe it was some other duck/bird thing.

21. I never had a drop of alcohol until I was 19. My dad was a principal and my mom was a teacher—I couldn’t get AWAY with ANYTHING.

22. Although once I made fake puke in the toilet with foundation, powder and Pepsi so I could stay home. It worked. (Hi Mom! I did this only once!)

23. C & I had a girl gecko named Otis. We used to “let” her “swim” in the bathtub. Until we found out that geckos can’t swim. We just thought she was squirmy.

24. C & I had a hamster named Louie. Louis would stand on his head to pee.

25. I love (and miss) Pepsi Blue—it made certain things bright green but it was totally worth it.

26. I consider myself to be pretty intelligent—but, I know very little about history. I am definitely NOT “Smarter than a Fifth-Grader” in History. I need to read more non-fiction.

27. I have to be able to tuck my hair behind my ears.

28. I love Diet Ginger Ale and Diet Cran-Grape mixed together.

29. I can guess how someone’s feet look by seeing their hands. I’m magical.

30. My cell phone is Willy Wonka Purple.

31. If I ever get the balls to sing karaoke, I would like to sing “Untouchable Face” by Ani DiFranco. But there are a lot of f-bombs in the song. And replacing them with fudge would NOT work. “So fudge you, and your untouchable face—fudge you for existing in the first place….”

32. I look pretty good in a baseball hat.

33. I’ve had braces twice—the first time was on my bottom teeth-only (wth?) and the second time was the full boat-load.

34. When I was really little, I thought it would be awesome to have braces. So much so that I would unwind a paper-clip and wear it in my mouth, like a quasi-retainer.

35. I have the potential to have a very good “radio/voice-over” voice. C had me record all of the voice commands for our computer, like the “you’ve got mail,” or “device connect,” stuff…My voice kind of has a nerdy/phone sex quality to it. With a touch of nasal-hyena. Just like buttah...

36. I have a good singing voice. When I was 5—not so much. I believe “tone deaf” or “special child” may have been uttered. My mom made a tape-recording of me singing the song, “Every Valley” that is so unbelievably terrible that one cannot listen to it without either A) Shitting their pants laughing or B) Laughing so hard that they have tears streaming down their face and then they pee their pants a little. I HAVE to get it into an audio file so I can make you guys poop and pee your pants. It’s quite possibly the worst attempt at “music” EVER. EVER. You. Will. Die. I believe at one point I have the hiccups and I howl. And I thought I was Gooooooood.

And if you still want more, here are 21 more things....from my very first post.

(I'd link to FriYet and her 36-Things post, but she's slackin' and isn't finished. I'm pretty sure that means that she owes me something for beating her. Like cash or maybe a car wash.)

P.S. Hills, you are NOT it. Although, I was sorely tempted b/c you were so relieved that Jess didn't tag you with hers.
P.P.S. Oh look, Hillary! I've changed my mind, you're it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***cackle cackle cackle cackle***

I hate you, BlogSpot....(haven't I posted this title before???)

2008-09-18T22:27:00.001-05:00

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE SWEET ANNIVERSARY WISHES!!!

And for saying that I am hot. And that C is hot. We now have huge heads.
Huge heads---that are HOT!

I spent like five jamillion hours typing out this really LONG post. And I did it in Microsoft Office (HATE!) Hmm...turns out that you can't simply cut and paste without like five thousand error messages popping up in the BlogSpot text field. I have no energy to re-type it all tonight (it's LONG), so stay-tuned for tomorrow's post:

36 Things About Me that you (probably) Didn't Know
(in addition to the fact that I have MAD PHOTOSHOP SKILLZZZ)

It's our anniversary and we'll eat steak and drink wine if we want to, eat steak and drink wine if we want to.....

2008-09-17T17:08:00.011-05:00

It's our Anniversary!

We are this many...
picture by bigjohnstud2142

(I swear, that's really the owner's name!)

C & I are off to celebrate
our 3rd Wedding Anniversary
with steak and red wine and chocolate.
Couldn't ask for a more perfect evening.
Love you, C.

(I'm so happy that my smile is showcasing my Orbitz gum!)

Deep Thoughts....by The Over-Thinker

2008-09-16T18:34:00.006-05:00

*Insert Dreamy Music....maybe with a touch of xylophone*

(Yes!! I totally spelled that correctly the FIRST TIME!)

I need to stop hugging the back of the chair for all of my "myspace" photos. It makes me look all needy. When in fact, it's really about the magical skill of balancing myself so I don't fall on the floor.

Now....for the thoughts....

There really is no time or place for absolute honesty; however, there is definitely a place for lying your ass off so you don't get a late fee at Blockbuster.

Women with cankles should not wear sling-backs. The end.

It is entirely acceptable to go multiple, consecutive months with shaving only your ankles.

If a work meeting announcement says "Beverages will be served," "Beverages" cannot equal water. That's like saying snacks will be served and giving you a high-five in place of actual food.

If you bite one fingernail off, you must bite all of the other ones off because it just makes sense.

Working out is stupid. Pizza is awesome.

Catching your heel on the inside of your lab coat and then falling, knees first, into your office is really quite fantastic. Protecting your knees from the fall by hitting your chin on the chair is also encouraged.

Come & Get YO CHOCOLATE!!!

2008-09-15T21:45:00.003-05:00

Like I did with the last giveaway, I decided to do 3 drawings--one for each selection. After removing Sra from the drawing (because you she's know a you sucker want and chocolate has really gone really all bad healthy Sra on us) I drew 3 names......

Nilsa, Memarie & Sparklie,
you are the winners!!!

Shoot me an e-mail with your mailing address (and real names) and I'll get the chocolatey goodness sent off to you a.s.a.p.!

P.S. Sra, you can expect a pound of butter in the mail. xoxo

Wii are in Hell. Out of Shape, Hell.

2008-09-14T20:24:00.004-05:00

I twittered about this, but I don't think I've ever blogged about it.....

I WON A Wii At WORK!!!

Yes, I am thrilled about that.

But, I think I pulled my groin Wii-Bowling and C strained his shoulder Wii-Baseball-ing. Wii are morons. Wii are out-of-shape, 31-year-olds.

Gone are the days of inner-thumb blisters from Atari joy-sticks and palm burns from rotating the hell outta Nintendo mini joy-sticks for Mario Party. No, now we've escalated out of the realm of hand-injury to actual, bodily harm. YAY! Yet, I keep coming back for more. Did you know that it's entirely possible to actually slap one of your boobs into the other boob (thus creating one hell of a clapping noise) if you Wii-Bowl without a bra? Yeah, beware of that. They don't put THAT on the box. Sadists.

C is entirely superior to me in all things video-game. I didn't grow up with them. I think my parent's had the first edition of Pong, but that's where it ended. I don't think they believed in them. No, they believed in making me build my own Barbie Dream House (i.e. Tower o' Coffins). They were more into the whole "learning is fun!" bunch of insanity. I was a bit of a huge nerd (remember the rock polisher??) and really enjoyed "eductional games"--I pretty much gave myself wedgies, I really was that nerdy. I liked getting school supplies as presents and was always excited to get books for gifts.

But, apparently, deep down I really wanted to play video games. I can clearly remember one Christmas, opening up a package that looked suspiciously like a Nintendo Game console (p.s. why do people pronounce this as council??). I remember letting out a, "No way!! REALLY??" and then slowly coming to the realization that it wasn't a Nintendo, but rather, a typewriter---the coup de gras of school supplies. There would be no Mario in my future...just a bunch of asterisks, "ding" noises, and bunched ribbons. Really, a game in itself.

So, I think I've fully embraced my geek-dom. I will never be "good" at video games. I'll always be the one with the shortest turn. The one who's turn is always followed by well-wishes of, "Hey, that wasn't too bad. Better than last time!" Now, I can just suck and experience a new level of physical pain. Whoopee!

Oh Neat. Does anyone have Father Karras's Number?

2008-09-13T16:44:00.005-05:00

I have about 6 DVR'd episodes of Cold Case to watch so I will be indisposed for the rest of the day. If you stop by my place to chat, I may be a tad bit distracted by Lilly and Scotty....you may need to chit chat with Abe and Fidge who are currently uber-pissed at me for not allowing them to eat the dining room table centerpiece.

Instead of blogging actual, original thoughts, I decided to take the earth-shatteringly accurate test known as "The Online Quiz."

I took a "What Does the Inside of Your Soul Really Look Like?" quiz and the results are quite frightening. Here I thought the room would be cozy with hardwood floors, large windows and big over-sized furniture......instead, may I present you with "Austin Powers meets Adobe/Santa Fe Hot Topic." Umm...you may want to re-think liking me because I'm guessing I may need an exorcism. W.T.H.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life.

You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it.

You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you.

Your near future is all about change, but in very small steps. The end of the journey looks far, but it's much closer than you realize.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Your Turn....Hope yours is less dungeon-y.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

For the love of Jam.....and Chocolate. WHO WANTS MY CHOCOLATE (you can't have my jam)?????

2008-09-12T20:01:00.007-05:00

I think I'm going to make that my new saying........Of course, I will always use Meg's "Sweet Fancy Moses" when the situation is dire, but "For the Love of JAM!" is going to be my new pissy phrase.

In addition to the butt-load of Canadian Goodness that came my way from Hillary, I've now been gifted some of her Wedding Jam!!! I've decided that "Wedding Jam" sounds really naughty, so how about I refer to it as Nuptial Condiments. NO. That's worse. How about Stuff to Spread on Toast that was Given as a Favor at a Wedding. Totally not dirty, and actually, quite catchy. I'll refer to it as STSTOTTW...oh nevermind. JAM it is!

I canNOT wait to try them! She sent me Kiwi and Strawberry Rhubarb. They are so pretty that I almost want to keep them sealed and displayed on my counter forever! P.S. Did you notice that I totally wiped the cat hair off my kitchen counter? Nothing but the bestest for a bloggy photo shoot.

Her generosity put me in the mood for another give-away. This one is for 2 jars of JAM! JUST KIDDING!!! It's mine mine mine! BUT, I am willing to part with some....wait for it........

CHOCOLATE

"Noir Satin"
Smooth Extra Dark Chocolate

"White Blueberry"
White Chocolate with a Fruity Touch of Blueberry

"Chili"

Dark Chocolate Infused with Premium Red Chili

The contest will be an easy one to enter. All that you need to do is send me a dollar via PayPal and write me a sonnet.
OR
You can leave a comment with answers to the following questions:
1. Which bar of chocolate do you prefer?
2. What's your favorite thing about me? My beauty or my beauty?
3. What's the most amount of chocolate (or vanilla or other "sweet") you've consumed in one sitting?

I will draw the winner on Monday afternoon, so you have a few days to compose that sonnet.
Good Luck!

Linky-love to the contest is always appreciated :-)

2,974 Reasons to always say I Love You before you say Goodbye....

2008-09-11T19:26:00.007-05:00

Photo Credit: cuppycakes5199

Sweet is the remembrance of troubles when you are in safety.

-Euripides

I'd like to keep this one simple and put my sarcasm on "pause" for the day.

When I heard that the first plane had hit the first tower, I was leaving a lecture hall after attending a class on, of all things, Tourism. I spent the rest of the day, sitting on the make-shift cushion of my satchel in a standing-room-only activity center on campus. Glued to the TV. Later finding out that 2,974 men, women & children lost their lives and countless others lost family members, teachers, friends and spouses.

And for today...I won't talk of politics, right-wing/left-wing views, the upcoming election.

I'd just like to know......Where were you?

Minus the Trenchcoat: "Psst! Hey Lady...Cheap, Prescription Glasses!!"

2008-09-10T18:57:00.010-05:00

WOULD THIS
GLASS-WEARING FACE
LIE TO YOU???

I swear to God that I'm not getting a kick-back from this site---heck, Aveeno still hasn't sent my check. I just want to pass this little bit of loveliness your way.

A few co-workers of mine were talking about prescription glasses and I delicately (steamrolled) my way into the conversation when I heard the phrase, "....and they're so cheap! How can you lose?" So, click here and browse their selection. All you need to do is pick out some frames, send them your prescription (and your first-born son, but that's only with bifocals...), and VOILA! Seriously cheap, prescription glasses or sunglasses.

I'm a wearer of the glasses. When I drive, I'm also a squinter/hand-shielder/too-short-for-the-visor-to-matter sort of gal. I've NEVER had prescription sunglasses! Each year, I usually get 2 pairs of glasses....I never seem to think of getting sunglasses. I'm definitely going to look into those, too. Yes, summer is almost over, but still, um, the sun will still be here. In the morning? Sun. In the afternoon? Sun (Am I campaigning for the sun?) (I think I'm campaigning for the sun.) (Do you think the sun is a Democrat?) (I hope so, or my parents are going to be very disappointed in me.) And with winter coming up, I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with SNOW BLINDNESS. I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND! (and then you pull into the garage) OH MY GOD, I'M NOT BLIND!!

So, follow me over to the cheap-o site. What have we got to lose? About 20-30 bucks? Also, 2 of my co-workers have received their glasses and they're very happy with them and the frames are too cute.

Some of the frames I'm looking at are, well....To quote "Suede" from Project Runway....they're a little bit "whack-a-doodle" but really, so am I so I think I can pull them off. And maybe I'll get sick of them after a few months, but they're so cheap! I'd spend more money out eating sushi.

Here are my selections.....I'll probably end up getting all 3.

Slow news day: I've just tagged myself with a MeMe. LAME.

2008-09-09T15:01:00.011-05:00

So.
How have ya been?
Lovely day, isn't it?

Look! I've braided C's hair
into a lovely French braid! Who's next?

.......yeah, I've got nothing. My brain is about as lively as the last dirty-water-dog floating away from the tongs. You're mighty welcome for that picture.

I thought I'd go to one of those Meme's R Us websites to get an idea and FYI? They are TERRIBLE. Thank your lucky stars I've decided against a meme post on the following subjects:

These winners are under the "FUN!" Category:

Are You A Stain Removal Siren?
Are You A Packing Expert?
Test Your Knowledge Of Plant Trivia!
Do You Party With Style?

How about I just give you the basics? No. No. Huh? Do board games count?

Let's just go with something generic like...

Ten on a Tuesday
Please note that OT may use "Ten on Tuesday" on Sundays and some Fridays.

Let's do something Cheery!

"Ten Current Banes of My Existence"

Dry-Clean Only Shower Curtain. Does anyone need a washcloth that was once a shower curtain?
Socks. I can't believe we're already having weather that necessitates socks. I BARELY remember pants.
Not being able to lie down on the couch and keep my glasses from ramming into the side of my head and nose. So unfair.
Cats that don't clean their own litter boxes. Where's the responsibility with cats these days??
TNT broadcasting commercials for their own "original programing" (see "Raising the Bar") at ridiculously HIGH VOLUMES. Like eardrum shaking volume.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar's hair in "Raising the Bar"---what the hell?
The fact that Gosselaar and Gyllenhaal aren't in Blog Spot spelling dictionaries. Those double-A's mess me up.
People thinking that Tom Cruise is still hot.
Yawning and splitting my lip open. Seriously, this trying to cut-out-the-Chapstick cold turkey is NOT working for me. I need a hit.
Fiber One bars.....taste so good..........good GOD what is GOING ON IN MY STOMACH?!

I won't tag anyone because
I don't want to end up on anyone's
"Banes of Existence" lists.

I may be cranky, but I'm not stupid.
Anyone want me to do their hair? Have any Junior High Dances to go to?
Braids look GREAT with ruffles and shoulder-pads. No?

We can put a man on the moon...but Hollywood can't make a decent looking fake tattoo!!

2008-09-08T18:59:00.008-05:00

A brief rant. A rantlette, if you will:

Why the hell can't Hollywood, with its millions of dollars worth of special-effects make-up wizardry, produce a realistic, fake tattoo??? Do they not have more than a few Sharpies in their arsenal of "magic?"

I just watched an episode of Cold Case and this lady had a neck tattoo that was SO TERRIBLE, you could literally see where it was coming unglued. Unglued, people! Honest to God, I think I need to quit my job, move to Hollywood and do their damn tattoos.

I mean, please, I'd kick ass!
Just think what I could do with TWO colors!

You know what makes a really good balance--ya know, for steadying you hand in a fake-tattoo photo? Your cat's head. Thanks, Fidgy.

Have you noticed these crappy tattoos? No? Just me? 'Kay....nevermind.

There's a Little Witch in the Over-Thinker....

2008-09-07T14:07:00.006-05:00

If you're looking to read something to pass the time while waiting for Hills to post photos of her new haircut, may I recommend:

WICKED

Book Photo found at:
http://blogs.setonhill.edu/LeslieRodriguez/wicked-book.jpg

Yesterday, I twittered*: "I would like to let the 21st century know that I've started reading Wicked. Just watch, next thing you know I'll be trying Starbucks." Sometimes I'm a bit slow on the uptake, not always the first to pick up what's been put down. I have a tendency to do this with books. Oh Hi, Harry Potter! What's that? You've been out for six years? Don't mind if I do!!

I picked up Wicked about a year ago at Half-Price Books and it's been sitting on my bookshelf in the "need to read row." Yes, I have a need to read row, so what? Shut up---anal retentiveness is SO the new black!! With Halloween around the corner, I knew that I wanted to read a Halloween-y, Witch-y type of book. Usually, my go-to is Practical Magic (easily one of my most favorite books of all time, even though the movie sort of blew chunks---the book is a million times better) but I wanted to do something new. So, Wicked it is!

So far, I'm really loving it. It's not the normal book genre I go for, but with all the hub-bub I felt I needed to give it a try. It's more Lord of the Rings-y than my typical go-to-mystery book. Jess is also reading it (when she's not busy doing "heroine"--such a ho) and has asked me if I would like to race. I have neither accepted, nor have I declined. She's very competitive, so I'm thinking I should accept and then let her win. I'm fairly certain she could cream the living tar out of me, so I'm okay with losing. No really, I'm okay.

Through work, I was able to score 2 tickets to the Broadway Production of Wicked (traveling show, performed in the metro). The show is in December. I hope to have the book completed by that time. If not, I'll ask Jess for Cliff Notes and let her be my date. Although, I've already asked my mom to go with me. Hmm, I wonder if my mom could take Jess. I think she could if Jess wasn't fueled by a gas tank of Diet Mountain Dew. Love you Jess! Kisses!

*I keep forgetting to pimp Twitter. If you want to follow my smart-assness throughout the day, you can find me here. Please note that I twitter terribly irrelevant things (not to be confused with irreverent).

I'm about to impart an age-old secret (okay, 2 weeks old, but who's counting) (stop counting)

2008-09-06T16:16:00.007-05:00

Ali, over at Cheaper Than Therapy just posted about her under-eye baggies. Firstly, let me say that Ali can pull off any look, baggies included, and appear fabulous. She lives on Planet Beautiful. I visit Planet Beautiful about once every 2 years and the rest of the days I spread my time between Planet Holy Shit What the Hell?? and Planet Meh.

But... there is one thing that I have that I know is good: the skin on my face (that sounds kind of creepy, doesn't it? Kind of Texas Chainsaw Massacre or something?). Anywho, I'm realize that I'm still moderately young (31), but I've taken care of my skin forever. I can remember using Oil of Olay oil-free lotion since I was in 6th grade. Also, I have good genes. My mom can easily pass for about 15 years younger than her 60 years. But still... an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of...uh, good skin? Gold coins? ANYWHO.....I know that I've found another product to give my loyalty.

May I present 0.5 oz of Prevention (and magic):

Oooo....please appreciate the interesting (accidental) lighting
and the fact that it's sitting on our kittens' kennel.

This tiny bottle of Aveeno Active Naturals, Positively Ageless, Lifting & Firming Eye Cream (holy long name, Batman!) is AWESOME. It's spendy, $16.99 for half an ounce (purchased at Target but I'd guess you can get it anywhere), but it's one of those products where a little bit goes on a cross country road trip. I am someone who always has had a bit of luggage under the eyes and a bit of paranoia about looking old. I love products that help fix a current problem and also work to prevent it from happening again.

I've been using this lotion morning and night, around my eyes (ALL around, right up to my eyebrow and down to a bit past the lower bags). Here are the reasons I love it:

It NEVER makes my eyes water and makes my skin feel good. I have very sensitive eyes and other eye creams (even the hypo-allergenic ones) make my eyes water or skin burn.
I can wear my eyeshadow over it and my lids don't get all creasy and greasy.
It has something in it that reflects light and immediately makes my dark bags look MUCH lighter. While it's helping create an illusion, it's also working at fading them. I don't know how it works, but Aveeno is all natural (the cream is made out of wheat protein and shitake complex/extract). All I now is my eyes look bright and it looks like I've had tons of sleep.
My crowsfeet (Oh the humanity! Why must I love the sun so much and ALWAYS forget my sunglasses!?) and upper and lower lids have really benefited from the regular use. My eyelids aren't as papery---do you know what I mean by this? For example, about 2 weeks ago, if I would put eye shadow on my lids, while I was dragging the "wand" over the lid, the skin would move with it and have a seat. NOT cool. It doesn't do that anymore. Also, I smile and laugh A LOT so I have lots of crinkly skin around my eyes--this lotion helps make the crinkles less noticeable.

Besides Oil of Olay, this is the only other lotion in my face regimine. I like to keep things simple because I'm lazy and don't keep up with a lot of hoopla. This definitely isn't hoopla and it definitely works.

Dear Aveeno,
I will be expecting your payment for my undying love of your lotion any day now.
Thanks muchly,
OT

NOT a post about bed-wetting, thankyouverymuch.

2008-09-05T17:02:00.006-05:00

Didn't think you'd live to see the day, did ya?

I'm pretty sure the opposite of a bed-wetting post would be a post about my nephew, Caden. (Make sure to remember that for when you next take the SATs because it'll probably be in one of those ratio questions like Apple is to Orange like Lohan is to Subtle.)

Altogether now....AWWWWW!

So, I am a first-time Auntie and I was thrilled when his mom, A and his other uncle, T brought him to the metro for a visit and a Twins' Game. He is such a smiley little guy. And he only rips one off about every 2 hours so he's pretty perfect in my eyes. He's just a few months old but he's really happy to meet new people and let them sqwootch his chubby little cheeks. Me? Not so much. Just FYI to those attending BlogHer '09-- try to abstain from sqwootching my cheeks if we meet up. Buns and face. Until after that first box of wine and 12 cheeseburgers.

Me and Little C
(don't mind the cleavage)

Little C & Big C

"Real Mom" was nice enough to let me pretend to be Caden's mom for the day. I carried him to and from the stadium in a Bjorn. I fed him his bottle. I held him on my lap during the game....except for that ONE time with I relinquished him to his mom and wouldn't you know it? She and Caden ended up on National TV during the 7th inning stretch!! Curse you God of Fake-Moms at baseball games!!!

Photo of the TV (p.s. that's cotton in his ears)

A lot of people have commented on the fact that Caden looks a lot like C when C was a baby. My husband is still on the fence as to his feelings about this fact. I think he's in denial because he feels it's creepy-weird that he looks like his sister's baby. Um hello? This isn't Alabama, circa 1955! I don't have a baby photo scanned in of C, but you'll have to take my word on the fact that they look A LOT alike. And not in any Deliverance-y sort of way.

Hmm....so this obviously isn't a "Mom-Blog"....but it could be a "Fake-Mom-Blog"....my advertising sponsors could be Birth Control, Whiskey and Matches.

Welcome to the Freakshow! Have a seat, ya Nutbag.

2008-09-04T19:28:00.008-05:00

***Edited to add***
HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY, MEG! Meg is one of my favorite bloggers. Go read her birthday post and tell her hello! Just don't call her Stumpy!

I have to say that I LOVE it when bloggers do a post about the phrases or words searched that brought their visitors to their sites. I think Witchypoo and Ali have had some of the most "freak-show" searches. I'm hoping that I can do just as well. I mean, I have stayed classy with my 2 posts about wetting the bed, penis straws and prostitutes. Not to mention my love of yard-stick suspenders, so I think I have a really good shot at the Freak-Show Search Award.

It's time to bring on the crazy......

Here goes:

Wet Bed at Sleepover

Don't mind if I do!

Guitar Hero Girl with Pink Hair

I'm guessing you were hoping for the actual character from the games but instead you found a jackass who sprayed her hair pink at a company function.

Bed-Wetting Art

Really--you're either blessed with this talent or you're not. Don't force the issue. If you simply pee a puddle, that's not cutting the mustard. Now, if you are able to create something Jackson Pollack-esque, we can talk.

Blowing.Skirt.Over.Ass

A side-effect of consuming too many Fiber One bars.

Go White Girl Go White Girl Go Lyrics
Um, I think you've got it.

Electric Bedwetting
Because when it comes down to it, bedwetting by candlelight is so last season.

Super Bedwetter
Look! Down on your mattress! Is it a faucet?! Is it a deluge?! NO! It's Super Bedwetter!

The Art of Spilling Over
Yes. I do make the muffin-top an artform. Thank you so much.

I think I should consider changing my tagline to something like:
"Sometimes I don't talk about bed-wetting."

I, (State Your Name), “I, State Your Name.”

2008-09-03T16:37:00.003-05:00

As I typed nearly a novel yesterday, I feel I need to pace myself and have a little bit of easy-fluff for a post entry. The finish line is still miles away and I don't want to cramp. Some Gatorade would be nice--or maybe a Luna bar. Pray that I don't come upon any hurdles because there's no way that my legs can leap over anything beyond a small stone.

I am an avid watcher of The Closer, so I was happy as a clam when they ran a Labor Day marathon of the show. In one of the episodes, Kyra Sedgwick's character is asked by a morgue-tech, "So, what's your porn name?" A co-worker of hers goes onto explain that everyone has a "Porn-Name" as it's simply a combination of your first pet's name and the name of a street you lived on as a child.

I thought it would be interesting to share this information with each other. It's a terribly classy game and it makes me laugh....just think of all the Fluffy 10th Avenue's there are in the world!?

Without further a dieu, may I introduce you to...
Chevy Hanson

Bow-chicka-bow-bow...

(Yes, I named my first dog after a car. Shut up.)

This is the best "Porn-Pose" I could do. Aren't I seductive in my flannel robe? I even took off my glasses to better show you my blogroom eyes.

So, what's your porn-name? Spill it in the comments and then go wash your mouth out with soap. If you get a chance, and feel so inclined, link your readers to this post and have them leave their porn-names, too. Forget collecting stamps...I'm collecting fake porn-names.

Peach Smushers: Bitchtastic Grocery Checkers of the World Unite

2008-09-02T17:53:00.007-05:00

A little known fact...I used to work as a grocery checker. Oftentimes, I would also bag the groceries I was checking. I did this for 6 years. In that time, NOT ONCE did I do the following (even if I wanted to...):

1. Smush a fruit or vegetable
2. Throw grocery items down the belt
3. Throw someone their receipt
4. Roll my eyes and audibly sigh in exasperation at the large
size of a grocery order
5. Yell over to another checker, "SHUT UP and quit
telling lies!"

Apparently, one must work at SuperTarget and be called Melanie to do such things. Melanie is the epitome of bitchtastic. For those not familiar with this word, it is a hybrid of "fantastic" and "bitch." It is not a rare occurrence to see either a fantastic person or a bitchy person....but it's something altogether special to see someone be BITCHTASTIC in public.

I wish I took a photo of Saint Melanie---eyes a rollin', mouth a sighin', grocery throwin' so I could post a photo of her here.

The caption would read:
Hi--I'm Melanie. Go to Hell and die. Thank you for shopping at Target.

After she threw C the receipt, she said (about 20 mph) thanksforshoppingattarget. C is quite soft-spoken (the Yin to my OHMYGODYOUTALKTOOMUCH), so when he said, loudly, "Yes, it's been a pleasure!" I nearly died laughing. The guy in line behind us, witnessing the Melanie-Magic started laughing as he watched his toilet paper soar through the air. C turned to him and said, "Good Luck!"

Let me just say that I love Target. HOWEVER....they seem to employ many questionable sorts. They seem rather....well, I think the nicest way to put it is they should maybe be evaluated before they could operate heavy machinery. I mean, checking groceries isn't splitting the atom--it's not like they're being asked to make a McDonald's Swirl Ice Cream Cone (the 8th Wonder). Picking the lane is a huge decision....here are the typical choices:

picture by JAKJAK88

Bitchtastic, but obviously lightning fast, checker (don't mind the flying produce!). She is exasperated and she hates you. She will tell you this with her eyes.

picture by DoodlesUS

Friendly checker sitting on a chair from the home furnishings department because she has hip issues but doesn't let that slow her down! (P.S. She's hella slow.) Has a zillion ailments, can't lift anything heavier than lip balm and talks about medical treatments and smells really bad.

picture by edmontonmotorcycle

Quiet male checker. Don't be fooled. He's older, probably has the job "for fun" and will pick up every single Goddamn item off the belt and either tell you a story about it or ask, "Hey--is this good?" No sir. I just like to purchase shite.

Decisions, decisions. From now on, I may choose "D"---
Push the cart like hell and make for the door!

Then Loralee swept me off my feet and we shared something sacred...

2008-09-01T14:36:00.018-05:00

...Chocolate Cake.

Well, truth be told, we both had about two bites. Have you heard that some people talk with their hands? Well, Loralee talks with her cake. She tells the best stories in the world and punctuates her sentences with fork-stabs through frosting.

As Sofia Petrillo would say:
Picture it, a metro-suburb, April 2008
(APRIL, for God's sake....sorry, for the tardiness)

Loralee flew out to the Minneapolis area to help her brother (who is quite cute, btw) do some house-stuff to his house, so he could sell it... and stuff. As you all know, I nearly took her took a strip club because that's just the classy, mid-western thing to do. Forget Hot-Dish, Minnesota-niceness--it's actually all about strip clubs (& chocolate cake), folks.

So on a Wednesday (I think?? Dang it. I KNEW I should have taken down the details AS THIS TOOK PLACE IN APRIL!) I drove out to her brother's place. My GPS (I call her Jane) got me to the city and almost got me to the house. This is typical of Jane as she likes to tease me with half-truths and encourages drives off the beaten path. So, I pulled over and called Loralee's cell and asked for help. She answered and kindly told me that I was actually in front of her brother's house. Seriously, it's a wonder the CIA doesn't just scoop me up.

Let me tell you people---she is GORGEOUS. Yes, Hillary, her eyebrows REALLY ARE THAT PERFECT. Immediately, she apologized for her hair (!!ItlookedperfectShutupLoralee!!) because she had forgotten a blow dryer. I made her some of my vanilla bean cupcakes with buttercream because she's way too thin and I needed to sabotage her figure (also see above, as the cake was my idea). We piled into my Lesbian Rubbermaid and sat there for awhile, not sure how to start our first date. There was a lot of hysterical laughter--she is so wonderfully silly and just as nuts-o as I am that I immediately knew we would have a great time.

Even before I started the car, there was a lot of:
"You're hilarious, Loralee!"
"No YOU ARE, Over-Thinker!"
There was also quite a bit of:
"Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know, where do you want to go?"
"You can decide!"
"No, You!"

So, I took her to a strip club where she gave away all of her ones and we had a fantastic time. The end.

In the REAL world, we actually went to Noodles & Company. Which now, come to think of it, would be an EXCELLENT name for a strip club. We talked for a very long time over, you guessed it, noodles and DIET COKE. Because, duh. I asked her about nine-gathousand questions about herself which she graciously answered. She has had a fascinating life, people. I think the conversation at the restaurant ran the gammut from "Growing up Mormon" to "Blogging"---really one in the same. Heh :)

Back in the car, I whipped out Jane (hmm, that kinda sounds like I had marijuana in my car--does that give me "blogstreet-cred?" No? Okay--it was my GPS) and we decided that we would like to go somewhere for coffee and further conversation. As per usual, I programmed Jane to go to one place and she screwed with me and sent me in the wrong direction. Oh well--we ended up at a Barnes & Noble and decided to camp out in their coffee shop. We stayed there for many moons and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and stabbed cake and talked and talked and talked. Did I mention that there was talking? I love learning about people, about what makes them tick and tock....just everything.

What does one do after an evening of Noodles and Cake-Stabbing? Why go hang out in a stranger's basement looking for photos of Loralee kissing a certain fellow blogger, of course!

Hey OT, I have something to show you--it's just down this stairwell. Just a bit further...keep going. It's over there in the corner.

I promise I only felt like screaming "PUT OUT AN AMBER ALERT!!" like only once :-)

So, in the basement, we looked through approximately 500 photos---FRIGGIN' HILARIOUS---and couldn't find the "The Kiss" (P.S. Have you found it yet???? If so, please E-MAIL IT!) After about 2 hours, she un-did my hand-cuffs and let me go. All in all it was really pleasant---I kid, I kid. I enjoyed every minute of our time together!
(and the scars on my wrists are TOTALLY fading, so no biggie!)

Loralee and I shared a lot of hilarity, sadness, happiness and in-the-vault-secrets over our coffees and I really believe I've found a bloggy-friend for better or for worse. She's da bomb (as we people in Minnesota (albeit, circa 1981) often say.

Here we are, being Da Bombs.
(See, Hills? Look at those eyebrows!)

Figuratively Mark Your Figurative Calendars!

2008-08-29T16:57:00.010-05:00

A photo of me after I told C my bloggity plans for September.
Doesn't he look proud?
Or, maybe he's just watching the Twins' Game we were attending--absolutely oblivious to his annoying wife taking my-space-style photos of him.

Hand to Blog-God (also know as Lindsay Lohan---girl has some serious issues but blogs like a mofo) (Just kidding...I only like to read her stuff so I can feel all superior about my use of actual grammar and, in general, the English language*)..........

-->Starting September 1st<--
I will (once again) be attempting to blog every single day for at least 30 days.**
I'm not saying I won't fall off the wagon*** and end up on the side of a prairie road with my hoop-skirt up over my head, but I'm willing to give it a shot.

Please, oh please, let me still have a few readers. But not Lindsay Lohan, because I don't think she get any of it. On that same train of thought....drunk, incoherent comments are always welcome!

*...and my bad-ass use of "...", way too many asterisks, parentheses, run-on sentences and never knowing where to put the period if I type something like, Lindsay Lohan is "awesome". Should the period go on the inside???
** In a row
***See June.

Hey! Look over there! A post!

2008-08-05T19:58:00.003-05:00

This is an action shot!!!
I'm waving HELLO to you! I'm not dead! Although my hair is so limp it's giving the impression that I am.

I've posted! Not here (of course)---but over there! Please oh please visit and give me and Hillary some loooooove. So walk this WAAAAAY.............

Also, stay tuned.....I have some extra special posts coming up in the very near future:
"Quit Smushin' My Peaches, Lady!"
"My nephew and why I might have to steal him"
"LORALEE!!!"

No prostitute or yard-stick suspender posts are on the horizon, but I'm pretty sure I could make one up. I know they're your favorite, so I'll have to think on this.

I surely do appreciate all of the "Are you dead?" "Um hello, do you remember you have a blog?" "Time to post again!" e-mails from you all. I've loads going on right now that have taken precious minutes away from anything that doesn't involve work, the ocassional trip to the potty and eating ramen noodles. I sort of touch on this over at Hillary's.

Have (go) a (visit) great (me) day (over at Hillary's)!!!!

Thy name is stealth.

And then I became Canadian....and it didn't even involve alcohol!

2008-07-21T18:43:00.007-05:00

Come sit close, children. It's time for a fairytale...

Once upon a blog, there was a damsel in distress named Hillary. Hillary lived in a land far, far away called Canada. In this far away land, sweets grew abundantly....over hill and dale and mountain trail. Maple sugar can(ada)dy, chocolate covered pretzels, Purdy's Hedgehogs and milk chocolate maple leaves simply grew on trees. But Hillary couldn't enjoy this can(ada)dy as her wedding to Prince Shawn was approaching and the buttfaces at the labeling company wanted to charge her a king's ransom for shipping charges to Canada. How would her jam jars be labeled? Would she have to resort to masking tape and a Sharpie? NOWAYJOSE! She simply called upon her US-residing bloggity-buddy, Over-Thinker, to do some creative shippage-ing and all was right in the land!

To thank her (in a VERY unnecessarily generous way, mind you), Hillary put together a kick-ass Canada Care-Package fit for a queen! A queen that is now pre-diabetic because HELLO, you obviously HAVE TO eat ALL of the can(ada)dy at once. Hillary also included some non-can(ada)dy fare: A keychain (somehow missing its key to Canada), her bitchin' CD mix for summer, a greeting card (filled out while tipsy) and the accessory everyone will be wearing this fall:

A FELT HAT
IN
THE SHAPE
OF A
MAPLE LEAF

Project Runway, please take note.

(Notice C in the background. Moments before, he asked, "Now, I'm not going to be in this picture, am I?" Heh--my mad-accidental camera skills strike again.)

Check out this haul!

In case you can't see....Just behind the fantastic low-lighting and shadows is SUGAR!!!!! and SUGAR!!!!!! and a felt hat!!!!

Moral of the story? If Hillary asks you to do a favor, say yes because she'll spoil you silly and make you a Canadian. Because you automatically become Canadian when you put a felt maple leaf on your head.

Everytime I post, an Angel gets its wings...Poor, poor Angel. My bad.

2008-07-14T20:31:00.013-05:00

EDITED TO ADD: For those of you who have already read this, please note that I've now learned that "...an Angel gets its' wings" is really "its wings" and garbage shoot is actually spelled "chute"....C schooled me and corrections have been made. So now I'll be smarterer about grammarticulation and spellingses.

Or maybe the angel just gets a free beer. Basically, it amounts to a lot of wingless angels sittin' around not drinking. Hmm...Angel Beer. Is that a brand? Should be.

You know what I'm a wizard at? Over-booking myself.
Example: What's that? You need WHAT accomplished in three days? You need 3 WEEKS of WORK accomplished in three days? You bet your sweet ass I'll do it.

And then I'll bitch. Because that's the magic that is me. Things will not be calming down until Sunday, but I wanted to get a quick post up here.

A Mystery for the Ages

I went to toss some garbage down the chute of our apartment building and opened up the door to the refuse room and saw this:

W.T.F.

I ran all the way back to our apartment so I could grab the camera and document this momentous occasion. This room is very small so I held the hallway door open while I flashed away. There is now a little boy in our building that probably thinks yours truly is "the crazy lady who takes pictures of stuffed bears"...

I've seen some interesting things in this garbage room---a window frame, a stroller, a bag of grass (from the LAWN, people) and a oven range hood. Nothing really compares to seeing two dirty bears snuggling with each other in the corner of a refuse room. (Is it just me, or did that last sentence sound like jive-talk for a prostitute servicing a john? Oh. Just me? Oh.) Good God, did I, a 31-year-old, just say JIVE-TALK?????????

I'm picturing the bears' owner knowing that it's "time" to "let go" of the "bear addiction" only to find themselves unable to take that final step. Alas, the bears end up nesting for the weekend in a dank, chute-room. On Monday, they were gone. Did they go to a new home? Or did some stranger enter the room, pissed off to see stuffed animals, pick them up and violently hurl them down the chute? (please note that I am not "some stranger")

I suppose we'll never know. I'll be sure to tell you all if I see a HAVE YOU SEEN MY 2 BEARS?? REWARD!!!-poster.

In closing, I'll leave you with this:

Holygoddammitsonofa!!!!!!!!!!
(notice that the font color matches my shoulder blade)

I have 100 Beautiful Blogs Standing Before Me but Only 5 of You Can Go on in the Hopes of Becoming...

2008-07-04T21:01:00.015-05:00

the winner of an Arte Y Pico!
(Sidenote: I sort of loathe Tyra Banks but she says some of the funniest damn stuff (not intentional, I'm sure), so I tend to sample her words daily.)

Get ready for some cheese, but it's honest cheese (Doesn't that sound like some organic dairy product? "Organic Cheese...From Our Heart to Yours"). As the huge dork/prissy pants that I am, I am always so humbled when someone compliments my writing style. I get a bit overwhelmed and maybe pee my pants a little. And to get this award from a woman who has one of the best senses of written humor that I've come across makes it even more special. She is so damn funny and never EVER misses the mark in making her readers laugh until they choke. I'm totally sure this is her intention as she has a bit of a dark side :-) Any mom who can work in the phrase "tramp stamp" to her latest post is tops in my book.

For an intro, I am plagiarizing Hyphen Mama who previously plagiarized LouCeel. Plagiarizing...the gift that keeps on giving and giving.

"This award was created and to be given to bloggers who inspire others with their creativity and their talents, also for contributing to the blogging world in whatever medium. When you receive this award it is considered a 'special honor'. Once you have received this award, you are to pass it on to 5 others.

The rules for passing on this honor:

1) Pick 5 blogs that you would like to award this honor to.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of 'Arte y Pico' blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award." (I'm working on this last one--it will be permanently displayed soon.)

Tell Me About It
This blog is written by mom of 4, Natalie. Oh, and she lives in Turkey. TURKEY! But she'll be moving back to the states in a bit. She posts nearly everyday and shares the most beautiful photos of her travels, her family, and of course, Turkey. A major reason I read the blogs that I do is because they make me happy. Natalie's blog is no different. She hops between making me laugh and choke on my 7Up to making me smile while reading her honest (just like organic cheese!) happy stories. If anyone can write a funny post about cow's stomach, she can.

Kristabella
Funny FUNNY woman. And there is bacon involved. You're sold already, aren't you? She is so loyal to her (MANY--she's a celebrity for sure) commenters and always writes them back. She swears like a sailor and is quick (QUICK!) with the sarcastic come-backs. She keeps us on our toes. And did I mention the WWBD Bacon Spinner?

Meg at Wanderings
Meg is easily one of the most honest bloggers out there. She is forthright about all of the ups and downs and writes about them in a beautiful way. Like me, she's a new blogger but writes like it's old hat. There's a quiet reserve about her writing, but then you realize that her blogspot name is DuckyPants and you realize that she's a spit-fire. Also, she provides her readers with this millennium's drug of choice, Sudoku. I hold a soft-spot for Meg as she was one of my first readers and she's stuck by me to this day. Thank you, Meg!

It's All about ME
Marissa's blog is the FIRST blog I read. I had just moved up to the cities and over lunch during my first week of work, I Googled something about the metro area (probably trying to figure out how to get home---I get lost EVERYWHERE.) and her blog came up. I clicked over and read and read and read. She's a freelance writer, originally from Minnesota and is a transplant to NYC. She's a brilliant writer with a touching style-- she could write about her favorite cereal, Cheerios, and make is sound SO good that you'll run out and buy the damn Cheerios. From writing about her relationships and daily life to sharing her life experiences with her health and the recent passing of her wonderful father, she'll hook you and you'll be a forever-fan.

Moose in the Kitchen
Talk about amazing writers. SELF-DEPRECATING, amazing writers...Self-deprecating, amazing writers that can cook and laugh and play Guitar-Hero, and describe life in San Francisco, making you want to move out there in a heartbeat. Moose has a slightly random blog (like yours truly) and writes about her life: Relationships, small apartments, skirts blowing up on the way to work, playing with pastry dough, etc. When I click over to her site and see that she's posted, I'm instantly happy.

So please give them a visit---you won't be disappointed.

In the comments, could you leave your favorite blog-of-the-moment? I always like to try new things, and blogs aren't an exception.

HAPPY BELATED Canada Day and 4th of July, everyone. I killed two birds with one stone by setting a maple leaf on fire with a sparkler. I know how to party.

Calling All Jane & John Doe's!! Time to spill it.

2008-06-30T20:28:00.007-05:00

I've been mulling over an idea for a post where I would ask that all of the comments be submitted anonymously. Normally, I have the anonymous option turned off because I like knowing who to picture in my head when I'm crying from criticism. Heh--just kidding. Heh, mostly.

But I also recognize the freedom that holds hands with the option to remain anonymous. Have you heard of Post Secret? It's an amazing concept. The site and books are addictive. Maybe you've already purchased the books? Or maybe you just read 20 pages at a time when you're at Barnes and Noble's? Hmm? Thought so. That's tacky and totally something I totally wouldn't do. Like almost never.

I was at a bit of a quandary regarding the tone of the question I wanted to pose to you. Should it be something that's a total dive into the deep end? Or should I stay in the wading pool with floaties? Or, maybe I should go for something in the middle like a somersault in the 5-feet-deep water. Maybe I should quit writing in aquatic similes? Nah....that would be boring. Okay, put your goggles on ladies and gents. Hope you remembered to shave!

Remember to submit your comments anonymously; make sure you're not signed in. And if you're worried that I'll be able to figure out who you are by doing something technological, you can trust that I have no idea how to do that and I'd sooner eat a piece of head cheese before learning how to do it. No time for love, Dr. Jones...

For this initial Jane & John Doe post, let's keep it light:

The QUESTION

What is the worst fib/white lie/MAJOR lie you've told? And were you caught?

I'll chime in with my anonymous answer/comment in a bit, too.

I hope some lurkers will delurk and spill their guts on this one. I'm also hoping this will be freeing---like dancing in the moonlight in our underwear. Or sitting in our underwear by the glow of the TV set? Or washing our bras in the sink by the light of an incandescent fixture? This blog is nothing if not full of options.

Please encourage your readers to stop over and spill their guts, too. This could be good.

One Wedding, 12 Phallic Straws and a Previously Buried Fear of Heights later...

2008-06-28T20:28:00.031-05:00

Oh it's good to be back! Did ya miss me? Ooodles you say? Well definitely right back atcha :)

Our holiday was wonderful. C and I logged about a gajillion ass-numbing hours over hill and dale and mountain trail. And sweet SWEET fancy moses, turns out that I have a massive fear of heights. This is news to me, and although he didn't show it, I'm sure a bit annoying to C. I wasn't aware of this fear until I was manning the wheel on our first foray over a mountain range. After seeing the following signs:

15 mph turn ahead paired with the illustration of a hair pin
truck runaway road ahead
and the slightly paraphrased "Better brake your sweet ass off so you don't fly off the friggin' cliff"

...the fear set in. And by set in, I mean, my hands and feet started to copiously sweat, my eyelids vibrated and I gripped the wheel so tight I'm pretty certain I encouraged the onset of arthritis. And you know what's equally super fantastic? When I passed by a guard-rail that had been completely bent off (OFF!) the side of the road to reveal the sheerest drop-off this little nervous shit had ever seen!!!!!!! I got SO freaked out by the idea that someone had plummeted to their death (b/c there's NO WAY that one could survive that drop-off unless their name rhymes with Indiana Jones) that I nearly lost my cookies.

ANYwho.....C was a patient, patient man and let me "keep trying" to drive through the mountain-ful parks. And FYI? I can now drive down a steep incline without hyperventilating. Dear God, Please do not hold BlogHer '09 at the Empire State Building or I might have to go off you for a bit. Amen.

On Friday, we finally arrived in Teton Village, WY. I went to meet up with Nicole's family and her soon-to-be-in laws at the Mangy Moose pub where we had a lovely dinner accessorized by strong drinks sipped through penis straws.

Nic's sisters and mom arranged for a striking gentleman to accompany us throughout the night's festivities. Let me introduce you to Pedro.

Pedro was enjoyed by many and was blown up by most. He became a bit limp and needed to be, shall we say, inflated frequently. Many volunteered their air.

The next afternoon, we got all fancied up and made our way out to the wedding location.

Me and C doing an impromptu Footwear Saturday Photo.

The weather was perfect and the scenery was unreal. The ceremony was short and sweet and went off without a hitch. Well, except for the part at the end where I realized I had forgotten to suck in my stomach for the ceremony and might have looked a bit 5 months pregnant (the night before, I should have stopped after 3 margaritas). I apparently forgot the formula:

5 or more cocktails + a clingy empire waist dress = wear Spanx you moron.

We took a bunch of photos after the ceremony--here is just one of many of the happy couple, Nicole and Todd. Can you believe the back-drop??

And one of C and I against the Grand Tetons.

After the ceremony we drove to a wonderful restaurant and had a fabulous dinner on a huge screen porch. It was beautiful. And did I mention the AMAZING desserts? Displayed here by the lovely Lissa? Doesn't she just look so blown away by the prettiness of them? Or maybe she's thinking Good GOD, does OT have to take photos of EVERYTHING?? (Yes, Lissa. Yes I do. You were so lucky to be sitting next to me. Totally.)

Obviously, the main reason for our 1/2-cross-country jaunt was Todd and Nic's wedding in Teton Village, but we also managed to fit in a visit to Yellowstone, Big Horn, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Custer State Park and Wind Cave, Devil's Tower, Wall Drug, The Corn Palace and the Badlands. Did I mention that we visited those places within the span of 3 days? That's right. We're completely insane. I am still experiencing a raging case of car butt (where my cheeks spontaneously become numb).

Here are a few photos of our travels.

The Corn Palace. Quite possibly the dullest place in the world. But now I can say I've been there. We opted out of taking the tour and went the self-guided route. Walking through the "palace" we could still hear the musings of the 9th-grade tour guide (who TOTALLY looked like the banjo-kid from Deliverance *shivers*) proclaiming the greatness of corn. Glad we dodged that bullet.

Wall Drug. I've always seen those bumper stickers that ask "Where is Wall Drug?"...well hot damn if we didn't find it WHERE THE MAP TOLD US IT WOULD BE----in WALL DRUG, SD. Their schtick is that they give away free ice water. Nothing deserves a macro-stylized shot like free ice water.

Devil's Tower. Now this was pretty cool. Of course, the whole hike, I couldn't stop humming the notes from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Because I'm totally original. Heh.

Mount Rushmore. Pretty cool to see. It wasn't as big as I thought it would be but it was still quite amazing considering how it was made. Doesn't my back look amazed?

Crazy Horse. I teased C that the reason he lined this shot up the way he did was to capture the woman in the hat. He denies it, but I think I saw them exchange phone numbers. I can't really explain the vastness of the Crazy Horse Project, so I shall direct you here. Please note that the statue the blue-hat woman is standing in front of is just a model of what will eventually be carved into the mountainside.

Wind Cave. We took the 1 1/2 hour guided tour/hike 450 feet below ground. Pretty incredible. Definitely not for claustrophobics.

Old Faithful at Yellowstone. This was so cool. So cool, in fact, that I could tolerate Captain Redundantly-Obvious sitting behind us. The literature clearly states that Old Faithful erupts once an hour at a declared time, give or take ten minutes. Imagine my happiness when Captain R-O decided to say, "Any second now. She's gonna blow. Any second. Oh here she comes! Hmm...okay, any second now." EVERY MINUTE. And then when it finally did "go" he was all disappointed, said something like, "The other one was taller. Come on kids." Well, I thought it was cool.

Yellowstone. SO BEAUTIFUL. I still can't believe how huge it is. And the views! (Yes, even I was able to enjoy Yellowstone even with a raging case of Vertigo.) We had no idea how much of the park was effected by the fire, but there were more trees down than standing. It was pretty surreal.

The Badlands. The last stop on our trip. Absolutely breathtaking.

Last Photo of Me on the Trip. Obviously suffering the side-effects of car butt and consuming my weight in Swedish Fish and Jones Soda.

It's good to be home.

And the popular choice is: PROSTITUTE (I'm starting to wonder about my readers...)

2008-06-18T12:43:00.006-05:00

I had a sneaky feeling that you'd pick that one. I'll cover-off on "Amtrak" and "Garage Sale" at a later date.

The (Secret) Prostitute

As a massively nerdy blogger, I've taken to carrying around a little notebook so I can write stuff down that I think would make good blog topics. And this one is classic. I can't make this shit up, people.

I was home last weekend helping my mom out with the garage sale. Before the sale I went to the grocery store to pick up some helium balloons (15!). Big Yellow Balloons for those participating in the group rummage sale to put on their mailboxes in the morning. Just a tip: If someone asks you if you'll need assistance getting 15 helium-filled balloons into your car, say yes. Do NOT say, "No Thanks." Sixty-mile an hour wind gusts and 10 balloon strings wrapped around your neck later, you'll regret your Minnesota-niceness.

While standing in line, waiting for the balloons, I was fortunate to be standing behind Susan and Whitney. I know their names because they addressed each other. This is the conversation I heard. Verbatim. Trust me---I wrote the whole thing down after I unwrapped the balloon noose from my neck.

Susan: Did you know she was a prostitute?
Whitney: I'd heard some talk. Even before she moved.
Susan: Have you heard of backwash?
Whitney: Like in a drink?
Susan: I think so.
Whitney: Why?
Susan: That was her name.
Whitney: Well that just doesn't make any sense. Her name is JoAnne Reed.
Susan: I told Gary that and he said her real name is Backwash. I've never heard of a name like that. Maybe it was her maiden name?
Whitney: I don't think so.
Susan: Gary said, hand-to-God, she goes by Backwash.
Whitney: Hmm.
Susan: Oh. OH!!!
Whitney: OH!!!

P.S. These women were about 80 years old.

I will be on holiday (oh I'm so fancy) from tomorrow through the following Thursday, so if you think I've quit reading your blogs b/c I'm not showing up on the comments, you're right. But it's only temporary. By next Thursday, I'm sure I'll be shaking like leaf out of blog-withdrawal and will commence with my comment-diarrhea.

So, remember that whole thing about posting every single day in June? I'm admitting defeat. I don't have enough ideas to do the whole post-date-posting thing and I think C would kill me if I asked him to drop me off at a Starbucks so I could go post. Have fun at Old Faithful! I'll be here in the booth!

I'm OFF TO MARRY NICOLE!!!! (and Todd) :-)
I'll have MANY photos to share when I return!

The Winner by a Helluva Long Nose....

2008-06-17T21:13:00.006-05:00

...is SHOE NUMBER 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congrats, Shoe Number 2--please proceed to the winners' circle where you will be draped with plastic cemetery garland.

And the winner of the Zappos Gift Card is Lynne!!!!!!!
And it's now actually $10 not $5!!! SURPRISE!!! (it's totally because I'm extra generous and not at all because Zappos doesn't offer a GC smaller than $10)

Lynne--please send me an e-mail so I know what e-mail to use as it's where the gift-card will be sent. Also, your full name.

This is quite possibly the world's lamest post as I have so much I'd like to write about but I also have a husband anxious to work on a design project that he's smack dab in the middle of completing. So I must get off the computer.

I have 3 post topic options for tomorrow and if you could, please let me know what you'd like me to write about:

Amtrak I hate you. Die, Amtrak.

Did you know she was a prostitute?

Garage Sales--a.k.a. Selling your soul for a nickel

Did you know that an entire post can be about suspenders?

2008-06-16T19:50:00.004-05:00

What the hell.

While stopping for gas at a rural fuel station, a gentleman on the other side of the pump was sporting these fetching suspenders. Is there ever a need for emergency measuring that would necessitate the need to actually wear a yardstick? Maybe if you're at an amusement park and the measurement poll has disappeared-- you can save the day by standing at the entrance to the ride and measure up all the little boys and girls. Actually, scratch that. An old man, taking off his suspenders, consequently causing his pants to fall down and measuring children might not say "Disney" to a lot of parents; rather, it would probably say Prison. I for one don't want to go on rides at Prison Park. Not again, anyways. It's also important to note that these suspenders had miserably failed this man. His hairy butt cheeks were being kissed by the wind, my friends. Forget plumber-crack---this was plumber-canyon. Or maybe plumber-ravine...or plumber-gorge. I would even go so far as to call it plumber-Mesopotamia.

I saw yard-stick man's wife go into the gas station bathroom. It was a large restroom so I didn't have to wait in line. I went on it. She had to have heard me as the door made a slamming noise and I did a territory cough. She was singing. SINGING. It was some unknown, unreal tune that was like a combination of "How Great Though Art" and "The Long and Winding Road"---she kept singing as she peed. As she washed her hands. As she dried her hands under the loudest hand drier known to man. In fact, when the dryer came on, she just sang louder. I think she was a bit north of crazy.

Please Lord, don't let any of my readers own yard-stick suspenders.

Footwear Sundays: Wedding Edition

2008-06-15T21:35:00.003-05:00

So Nicole's wedding is next Saturday. And a gal needs to wear shoes at their wedding. Well, at least this one. She is wearing the cutest swingy dress (not to be confused with a dress a swinger would wear) but one that's swooshy. It is tourquoise, white and black, with splashes of lime-y green. It's very Nicole and it's very beautiful. She is wearing silver shoes and has 2 options. I've already placed my vote and she'd like some help from you.

Things she would like you to keep in mind:

1: Ignore the sock lines- I will not have sock lines on my wedding day

2: I'm concerned the criss-crossiness of the one pair is too much for the pattern of the dress

3: I'm concerned the second pair are too shiny and will make me look like wonder woman

4: The taller heal of pair #1 might be problematic for an outdoor wedding, but they make my calves look really good

5: The second pair is more comfortable.

SHOE 1

SHOE 2

I have placed my vote for shoe #2 as I think they are more conducive to an outdoor wedding and they look good on her feet. They will also look so so good with the dress (I guess you'll have to trust me on this). I've advised her that she can help cut down the wonder woman shiny-ness by rubbing the leather with some translucent face powder. The powder will wipe off easily for when she dresses up as Wonder Woman on their honeymoon. Huzzah!

My reasoning for not going with pair #1 is that I can't get into the thick-strapped sandal-type shoes (not just those--all of them) b/c my grandma used to wear them ALL THE BLOODY TIME so I can't get "orthopedic" out of my head. But please....I could be completely wrong. Cause that's sort of maybe happened before and stuff....

So please place your vote and tell her what you think!
(Incentive: I will draw a name from the votes and the winner will get a $5 gift card to spend on shoes at Zappos.com! Drawing to be done on Tuesday!)

Also, Nic's really good (and gorgeous) friend, Lissa has put up a blog for the wedding. You should go check it out! Tell her I sent ya :-)

Bacon-Wrapped Shrimp (best post title ever, I swear)

2008-06-14T19:48:00.003-05:00

The tour of gluttony that was my birthday meal is still with me today. Hence the neglected button on my jeans. It was totally worth it. My mom turned out my new favorite meal. I've asked her to conjure up a repeat performance for Christmas. I'm pretty sure I was the quietest I've been during a meal in a long time. Well, besides doing the annoying "mmmMMMmmmmohthisissogood" thing.

I didn't have our camera, so I was using one I wasn't used to (terrible excuse)---unfortunately, I didn't get a good photo of the end result, but I'm hoping that you can envision the bacony-shrimpified goodness of this meal. The coup de gras was the jalapeno cream sauce that we dipped the shrimp into prior to inhaling them. And the salsa! And the tortilla chips from a local eatery.....this made me very happiful (hybrid of happy and freaking full).

To end the meal, we went with something "LIGHT"--an Angel Food Cake. Smothered in 57 pounds of frosting. Dear Lord, Thank you for inventing Sugar. Amen

Tomorrow, I will post about Garage Sale '08. Be warned, it will include bitching. But I'll try to be funny about it. Maybe I'll include more bacon photos just for fun. Because nothing says garage sale like Bacon Photos.

It's My Birthday and I'll post if I want to, post if I want to, post if I want to!

2008-06-13T14:08:00.010-05:00

....you would post too if you turned 31 on Friday the 13th, too! Dah!dadada-dah! (I love that song.) Maybe I'll incorporate it into the rest of the year as well. Example: It is Fri-day, I'll drink boxed-wine if I want to! Such a versatile song.

Thank you ALL for your kind thoughts and words. Your comments really and truly did make me feel better. There's something about a female online community of friends that just works. I'm very thankful for your comments--so a heartfelt thank you to you all. I really think I love you guys :) In a non-lesbian sort of way. Not that there's a damn thing wrong with that. Just sayin'.... :o) May happiness prevail...

Okay then. Onto the usual snark.

Yours truly turned 31 today---on Friday the 13th, no less. I'm visiting my parents so I am away from C on this auspicious occasion. As per usual, he still made it special. If there's one thing that C does in a perfect way, it's gift-giving, special occasion recognizing and all-around romantic gestureness (totally a word). I guess that's three things. One thing I don't do perfectly is math.

What did he do? Firstly, he mailed my birthday gift to my parents and called my mom to make sure that I didn't lay a finger on the package until my birthday. He knows me.
He asked me to call him at midnight on the 13th so I could open everything with him on the phone. And oh my gosh OHMIGOSH!!!!!!!! He gave me four things: all numbered in the order in which I was to unwrap them.

Do you see that CD? Serj Tankian is so dang talented, I can't get over it. And he speaks/sings his mind on all things political--I truly admire him. He opened up for the Foo Fighters at the concert C & I went to this past winter and he blew my mind.

I still can't believe it...

Nigella Lawson is hands-down, my most favorite cook. Her personality, sense of kitchen-adventureness, cookbooks, writing talent and absolute humbleness make her someone to admire. Just a warning, I'm about to name-drop....C happens to know Kevin Smith's wife, Jen and asked her if she knew who represented Nigella, stateside, to see if she could "pull-some-strings" and get a signed cookbook. Alas, it didn't seem meant-to-be to get it through her agent as Jen couldn't get in contact with them. (So I guess I didn't really need to tell you that part of the story, but I think it's so cool that C knows her, so please forgive my terribly obvious/unnecessary brush-with-celebrity story.) C ended up getting in contact with some lovely folks who were able to get a book to Nigella to sign (she was on Holiday---I LOVE that word---so much nicer than the ugly, Va-cay). And she did! And she also tossed in a signed photo! That baby's getting framed and put on the wall in my kitchen.

And what else did he do???????????????????????

He Purchased:
http://www.theartofoverthinking.com/

He said, "Because I believe in you." He's a graphic designer and said he will work with me to completely design the site/content---everything. The whole she-bang. He put up a lovely splash page to hold it until we get everything together.

It's going to take a bit, but I'm going to put my all into it. And I've talked him into blogging off of it, too. He's such a fabulous writer that this just makes it even more perfect. We can do this together.

Stay tuned for more on this. I'm sure I'll do a totally subtle post when I move over there. Ya know, really low key and totally not UPPER-CASED at all :) Don't worry, even when I go non-blog spot, I'll stay as self-deprecating and sarcastic as always. I just cannot wait!!

So again, thank you MUCHLY for all of your kind words left yesterday--they really helped me get through it all.

This one's for Lucy.

2008-06-12T16:50:00.003-05:00

Lucy

We had to put our dog, Lucy, down. She was 14 and the most incredible dog you can imagine. She was wonderful. I'm really going to miss her. Today, we brought her ashes home and they sent this poem along.

REMEMBER

As much as I loved the life we had and all the times we played,

I was so very tired and knew my time on earth would fade.

I saw a wonderous image then of a place that's trouble-free

Where all of us can meet again to spend eternity.

I saw the most beautiful Rainbow, and on the other side

Were meadows rich and beautiful--lush and green and wide!

And running through the meadows as far as the eye could see

Were animals of every sort as healthy as could be!

My own tired, failing body was fresh and healed and new

And I wanted to go run with them, but I had something left to do.

I needed to reach out to you, to tell you I'm alright

This place is truly wonderful, then a bright Glow pierced the night.

'Twas the Glow of many Candles shining bright and strong and bold

And I knew then that it held your love in its brilliant shades of gold.

For although we may not be together in the way we used to be

We are still connected by a cord no eye can see.

So whenever you need to find me, we're never far apart

If you look beyond the Rainbow and listen with your heart.

I will never forget you.