Wednesday, April 25, 2012

These things are super important, you guys.

I've noticed a terrible trend that is sweeping our roadways: People have no idea how to properly place a bumper-sticker! Geez. This is really important and needs to be addressed. Like a tattoo, a bumper-sticker is there FOREVER (well, not really, but when have I worried about being accurate on here?) I'm talking about the people who, very obviously, were attempting to place the bumper-sticker IN THE CENTER of their bumper. Did they knock back twenty fingers of Jack before thinking it through? This really irritates me--it takes away from the messages of:

"Democrats are sexy: No one ever said, 'there goes a hot elephant.'"

Sure enough--this assessment may be as factual as the day is long, but I CAN'T GET PASSED THE FACT THAT THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT CENTER-JUSTIFICATION!!!

Now, if you have a vehicle that has a good smattering of bumper-stickers, alignment is not really important. Let me use a metaphorical statement for emphasis:

Say I have 12 beautiful, Frosted Pink Lee Press-On nails affixed to my paws. Say one of them broke off, leaving my au naturel, bitten-to-the-quick fugly nail exposed. Oh the humanity. Anyhow. Wait...where the hell was I going with this? I got distracted with trying to find a good Lee-Press-On-Nail Commercial to link up and ended up watching an episode of Modern Family.

Um, okay--how about this: If you have a bright white piece of paper and a Lee Press-On falls (or flutters) onto the paper, it obviously looks amiss and you grow concerned. Now, picture a good smattering (love that word) of Lee Press-Ons, scattered on top of that paper. Now one press-on isn't a big deal. Just like a stain on a sweater. Wow--I'm really painting a fancy picture--80's nails and stained clothing.

Seriously? Wow--did I just have, like, an episode? A fugue? I'd better wrap this up before I completely reveal my alter-ego: Day-Pass Dolly.

So, please remember: Every time a Bumper-Sticker aligns, an angel gets a dime. Or something as equally rewarding.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Well, I think I've determined that I do not do what I say I will. I'm sort of the Lindsay Lohan of blogging. With slightly less alcohol dependency and minus daddy-issues.

Heh. Heh. Remember that one (ten) time that I said I was going to regularly post on here? That was super funny wasn't it? Yeah. Good times.

Well, I've decided to give it another college try. (It might be important to note that it took me 7 years to graduate with a 4-year degree,  attending courses at no less than 3 colleges. Winning.) I fly by the seat of my pants. Sometimes the pants-plane crashes. This time, it blew up.

Rather, I crashed.

I have taken a 1-2 punch to the gut through some career confusion, house/money-pit disasters and sucky news on the we'd-like-to-be-parents-front. Roll all of it into a ball and it lends to a general icky feeling and major lack of funny thoughts. And who the hell wants to visit a blog where the writer just wants to bitch about plumbing, money, fallopian tubes and accidental arson? Yeah, didn't think so.

I've had a bit of an epiphany in the last month--I've decided that I can no longer dwell on the fact that life has dropped a shit-ton (a true, metric measurement) of mess upon our lives; for my sanity and for the sanity of those around me, I need to make a game plan and go all "decision-tree" on my own ass. To incorrectly quote a favorite flick of mine about heroin addiction: I chose blogging.