Monday, October 4, 2010

Do you ever get the feeling that your ass is actually creeping up your back?

This is an untold phenomenon-- sure, we all know about age equalling droopy buns, but sometimes, if you're special, when you sit down, the sheer expanse of your butt actually shoves itself up your lower back. This results in some spectacular dimpling and bulges. This description is simply BEGGING for some Paint Prowess.....voila!So much to say, here. And really, I know you're most interested in where I bought those fancy shoes. Maxxanista, bitches. But really, WTF is it with the butt thing? I work out like a crazy person on the eliptical. I'm thinking that about 1/2 of my butt is turning into muscle and the other half is turning into mac n' cheese and venturing north. AND IT DOESN'T DO THIS IN CLOTHING---apparently my stretchy jeans keep it in check; it's when it's free to roam that it does this wonk-butt thing. I cannot tell you how tempted I am to take a REAL LIFE photo of this ass-action so I can share it with you and hear you go, "Me, too!!!" Alas, two things:

-I'm probably on this butt island by myself-
-And ew.-
Now, that won't stop me from asking you all to share a lovely body phenomenon with the internet. Bring it on. Can you top North-Venturing Mac 'n Cheese??

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Hair Today....Gone tomorrow. Also known as, Easy Hair, I can has.

It's me. With less hair. Don't fret, my leg hair compensates.
Below is a photo of us on our 5 year Wedding Anniversary.
With the same haircut. We share everything.
Except razors (see previous comment about leg hair).

And here you will find Exhibit A: Hair Care Product Abuser...also known as Hurricane Hair.
Ain't nothin' movin' it.

I'm still getting used to it. But I'll tell you this much---it is AWESOME being able to do my hair in 2 minutes.
(and literally, 1 minute and 45 seconds is spent washing all the damn gel from my fingers)

And In the Light of Day....What the hell is a dairy flavorist?

Thank God for Advil....

What the hell was I thinking last night? What kind of a hideously botched triumphant return was that?? The best ideas are born of beer. I think that's from the Bible. Or maybe it's US Weekly.

Anywho, my friends.

What's new? Has the past year and a half treated you well? Have you succumbed to the technological crack that is Netflix? (yup) Have you secretly purchased your Team Jacob t-shirt? (oh please) Have you wanted to murder that jack-ass that painted the outside of your house? (too soon..gah.)

I truly hope this post finds you well. And not 15 pounds heavier with a questionable haircut. *waves*

I've really missed writing. Being a verbal smartass just isn't as much fun. Also, there's no delete button in a conversation---and, Christ on a Cracker, wouldn't that come in fantstically handy at times?

As I'm still warming up, getting back into blogging shape, I have decided to take it easy (lazy) and begin with a list....

What I've Learned in the Past 17-ish Months


The Over-Thinker

  1. Simple Math: The gag-reflex of a cat is faster than your ability to jump off the couch and catch the cuke (cat-puke) in your hands. (I didn't say this was a list of wise, helpful ideas)
  2. Paris Hilton is untouchable (also, probably a good rule of thumb, in general)
  3. The moment I polish my toes, my husband will step on one of them with one of his size 13 gunboats.
  4. I hate flying. Not one flight goes by where I don't think I'm going to die and I worry that my parents might discover the naughty drawer before my husband can hide it.
  5. I am now a vegetarian. Not because I have a high moral code....but because my intestines hate cows. And pigs. And chickens. More accurately, I am now a cheese-a-tarian. (Hence the new 15 pounds.)
  6. Every time a bell rings, 2 Jehovah's Witnesses in short-sleeve dress shirts and JanSport back-packs are on the front stoop while we're hiding below window level trying to finish the first season of Weeds.
  7. I have contacts now. I'm also really good at the under appreciated sport of "Blood-Shot-Eyed Speed Blinking."

On that note, I think I shall go outside and enjoy this beautiful fall weather.*

*Or, maybe it's time to crack open a fresh block of cheese and have a seat in the Church of Netflix. Now, I'd answer the doors for that belief-system anyday. Especially if they're bringing along The Real Housewives of New York on Blu-Ray.

Friday, October 1, 2010

And sometimes we just need to hang out with our Gay Friend, Ryan....

Oh, hello. I haven't posted in a little over a year, but sometimes, the only thing that gets you to post is watching a gay holiday film called "Making the Yuletide Gay." Also, beer.

And sometimes, your gay friend Ryan, belches and says, "Make me a superstar." And I say, "Okay, sounds like a fine idea."

Hello friends. I've missed you. I've missed your fantastic comments and banter to my inane, superficial thoughts. I'm ready to discharge some fantabulous gobbledeegook in hopes of your "HOLYCRAP--you're not dead!"-comments. So, goes.

Ryan says, "Oh my God, their dairy flavorist, he's gay, he has a flavor story....."

Curious? Me, too. Stay tuned....

Ryan is fun.

More to come.

Happy October, Friends. Love you muchly.

I'm back.