Friday, January 2, 2009

Over-Resolutionizing 2009....And other Crotchety-Wisdom


I am back from the massive brain and blog fart that was December 2008 and returning just belatedly in time to make some lofty goals for 2009. Thank you all for the lovely e-mails, and your concern over my potential demise. Alas, I'm not (brain)dead. I??? Some would argue that I am one delicate sip of Pinot Noir away from brain damage. To those I say...


OT's 2009 Resolutions
  1. I will try my best not to cringe when someone hands me their phone to show some (super high-quality, I'm sure) picture and I see a nifty make-up/ear wax/skin slime smeared all over the screen. Seriously though, it takes a mere moment to wipe that crap off on your pant leg or your thumb. Go the extra mile, for the love of God.
  2. I pinky swear not to do another NaBloPoMo until at least we've settled into the new house (2016). I can just see me dropping a box of ceramic tile or a sheet of drywall on C's foot as I dash off to enter some mindless (as per usual) drivel before the clock strikes midnight. Because then NABLOPOMO may spell T-R-I-A-L-S-E-P-A-R-A-T-I-O-N.
  3. I will only worry myself into a coronary about appropriate items such as "Can I pull off a pair of Wellies?" or "Can I wear these jeans for a 4th time this week and stay under the radar?" instead of wasting time pondering the merits of drinking coffee in the morning instead of Diet Dr. Pepper in order to seem more mature.
  4. I will give up trying to understand the allure of the following: Pete Wentz, Skinny Jeans, Austin Powerisms (still!!), Fantasy Football*, The Jonas Brothers, World of Warcraft**, Liza Minelli, Diet Coke***, Thanksgiving, the way Madonna looks, and last but certainly not least, that massive asshole, Billy Something-or-other, that does those infomercial-style commercials for things like KaBLAAM! or Urine-be-gone-with-this-Rag-THINGY!!
  5. I will QUIT chasing all of the major holidays with ideals of THE PERFECT ONE. I will consider a holiday successful if I have time to clean the toilet, unwrap some cookies from the gas station and unscrew the cap from a jelly jar of moonshine BEFORE the guests arrive. A-MEN.

*Hi Jess & FriYet!
**Hi again, Jess!

P.S. If any of you care, I gave up on the whole Quit Biting Muh Damn Nails thing---here, 2008, let me show you my progress. Let me demonstrate with a gesture.

Okay, onto 2009....and 2009? Don't worry, I'm not thinking of flipping you off next year. But let today's gesture be a reminder of what you could see if you don't show your loveliness in the coming months. Think of it as The Ghost-Finger of New Year's Future.