Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Potty Dance and Other Inconspicuous Ways to be an Adult

Over-Thinker (2009)
Image found here.


My name is Over, and I'm a potty-dancer.
Hello, Over.


I swear--I'm one sneeze short of a massive accident. And when the HELL did that start? I'm 31, for the love of cheese! I've had no children, no interesting uh, events to speak of. Although, there was that one altercation with a swing-set when I was seven. And the swing-set never even called. Bastard.

But I digress...

HONESTLY.

Okay--scenario:

  1. Working in the lab, realize I have to go.
  2. Nah, no time.
  3. Hold it.
  4. One or two hours later.
  5. Sitting at desk.
  6. Minding my own business.
  7. Stand up. Walk five paces.
  8. Uh. Ohhhhh.
  9. GUESS I FORGOT TO GO, EARLIER!!!
  10. Damndamndamn.....gottttttaGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
  11. Okay. Don't panic.
  12. Bathroom is only 1 mile down busy hallway.
  13. No problem.
  14. Step, step, step.
  15. Horsey gallop, horsey gallop.
  16. HORSEY, HORSEY, HORSEY
  17. Pause. Pause.
  18. *Whiney Noise.*
  19. Bend down to pretend to tie my shoe (it's a slip-on--neat).
  20. Pause.
  21. Resume horsey-gallop.
  22. Okay...the urge is gone. It's going to be oka....
  23. WAIT WAIT---it's BACK!!!!
  24. OHGEEZOHGEEZOHGEEZ
  25. Okay. Okay. Don't think about it. Keep walking.
  26. No, you totally didn't just pee your pants a little. Nothing to see here, people.
  27. Gallop, gallop, GALLOP!!!!!!

I was going to start this next paragraph with, "Remember those really annoying commercials...." until I realized that "annoying" is sort of the soup du jour for any bladder control commercials.

June Allyson?
Annoying.
Those "and I don't have to 'go' right now" commercials where the crossing guard leaves the innocent students left for dead in the middle of the crosswalk 'cause she has to GOOOO?
Annoying.
And catchy. Dammit.

I don't think I have a, quote-fingers, bladder control problem, quote-fingers, I think I simply wait too long to use the facilities. Oh, and I drink a lot of fluids: this has already been covered in charming Bed-Wetting I and Bed-Wetting 2: Electric Boogaloo entries. I no longer wet the bed. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I should give it another whirl in order to avoid the Horsey Dance (it's the new Macarena) at work.

14 comments:

TMC said...

I'm guessing that as you're galloping towards the potty you haven't time to remember a post-it note to foil the evil red-eye of the automatic flush. Isn't that unpleasantness incentive to head to the loo at first urge (& w/ post-it in hand? :)

Lost In Splendor said...

Oh my god! I am SO with you and I'm only 24. Why I completely ignore my need to pee is beyond me. Sometimes I will go a whole work day without letting myself go and when I finally do I go through the same EMERGENCY situation as you do.

I also sometimes have the problem where I will go, flush, redress (I always wear tights too) and then I immediately have to go a little more and very often have an oops situation. *blush*

I tried to bring it up to my ob/gyn, but she totally brushed it off. So...I don't know.

Meg said...

oh gods, please tell me you're back!

I have the smallest bladder in the world. I don't drink a lot of fluids because of it. My dad and younger brother are the same. My stepmom thinks we should drink a lot of fluids all at once to stretch the bladders out...I'd have to sit on the toilet all afternoon :(

how's the house?

friyet said...

now that i am "older" and wiser [ha!] i have a bit of advice for you young lady! words to live by ~ NEVER pass up an opportunity to pee ~ plan it into your schedule! put a note up above your workspace to remind you! [take it with you to cover the autoflush] it's not a good idea to hold it all day long, or until the horsey dance demon takes over your body ~ it's not healthy you'll get a bladder infection! i am thinking that adult diapers are just, well, gross. i'm just saying....

monstergirlee said...

I have totally done the stop and fix a shoe thing! But I've also had 2 kids.
The worst is when I have to go, then I have to sneeze and oh Shit I know its going to come out, thats when you cross your legs and roll forward and hope its not too bad..... oh mergesi me! (thats my word verification).
wow, 2 posts in one week. YAY 2 posts in one week!

Hyphen Mama said...

I was reading an article in a magazine the other day that people with over-active bladder syndrome typically go to the bathroom 9.5 times a day (hahahaha, I wonder how that .5 time works out for them)-- BUT there's a study that says if they reduce their consumption of fluids by 25%, they go 7.8 times a day. I hope they paid a ton of money for that study, because the results were completely unexpected!

I typically go 36.2 times a day. Do I need diapers? Well, that Depends.

Hillary said...

"working in the lab" = so badass

as for the bladder situation, I have one word for you: kegels

jess said...

bwahahahaha. i quit doing this to myself a while ago. it's just not worth it.

Ree said...

Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. I KNOW this dance.

I've done the crouch to tie shoe. Oh yes.

I've done the unbuckle your belt on the way down the hall, too.

Nate Ring said...

I'm glad to see your posting again! I've been pretty lazy about blogging lately, and actually everything in general.

I do the same thing in my lab.

Drink 6 cups of coffee then forget I have to pee for a couple hours, about piss myself, then get angry at participants for not letting me pee!

Michael DeAntonio said...

Damn. The Horsey Dance made me laugh out loud.

Mermanda said...

Good day my dear. I'm Mermanda and you might remember me from the Mark McGrath sticker incident on Hillary's blog last week.

You asked for some sugar, and I'm here to deliver.

http://pittsburgh.craigslist.org/fud/1103714048.html

Enjoy!

P.S. You are funny! I can see why Hillary is always crying for you to come back to blog world. Just added you to my reader, so you better not try to pull something funny and suddenly go into blogging retirement or some crap like that. I'm watching you!

Hillary said...

Don't make me break out the poetry again. I totally will.

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