Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Slow Talkers, Public Sexified Gluttony & When Things go South and your Butt Crack Becomes a "Y"

(For those wondering why the hell I have that photo up there...click here)

30 posts in 30 days!!!!!!!!!

(Now I'm pretty sure it's going to be my blog's "time of the month" so it will need to call-in for a few days...)

Well Holy Shite....I freakin' made it. Such a feat, I know. I've just accomplished what most bloggers do each month. Here, I'm acting like I need to pull a "celebrity" and check into some place for treatment of "exhaustion." Still, that doesn't sound half bad.

Onto the exciting stuff...

The winner of the Hair Pageant!
...with 30% of the votes, is NATALIE & PUPPY!!

Natalie, continuing with my blog's theme of ZERO CONTINUITY,
you have won a recipe deck for Tapas!
Nothing says Yarn Hair like Spanish Cooking!!!

Shoot me an e-mail at:
theartofoverthinking AT gmail DOT com

..and let me know where to send it!

Onto what the title promised:
First off, to qualify this a bit, you must know that I'm a people watcher. Moreover, a people gawker. If you go anywhere with me, there's an exceptional chance that I'll lean over to you once or 65 times during the course of the outing to comment-whisper on something someone said, is wearing, etc. My husband is lucky.

Slow Talkers
At the game on Sunday, we sat in the "cheap seats." What these seats should really be called is: Have fun sitting around the MoFo Dingalings! C and I sat in front of these 2 sisters who had like 3 conversations for the DURATION of the game. They were slow-talkers. Like just a beat too slow. That speed just below acceptable where you want to make the "get on with it" hand gesture. The 3 topics that took 9 innings to cover were:

(say each of these things about 30 times at 1/2 the speed
of normal speech & you'll feel my pain
  • Mom is so tricky! She said she's not watching the game at home but I just called her and I can tell she's watching the game at home!
  • Did you get a hot dog? I was going to get a hot dog. Are you going to get a hot dog? I'm going to go get a hot dog. Did you decide if you wanted a hot dog?
  • I think it would be fun to have our birthday parties here. We could bring everyone here and we could watch the game. Do you think we should have our birthday party here? What's the score? Are they going to be in the play-offs? Is your birthday on a Sunday next year? I really like this hot dog!

Public Sexified Gluttony
So, the slow-talking was going on behind us. Directly in front of us was this large couple. This couple was wearing matching jerseys. Let me just say that I, too, have a few pounds to lose, but if there's anything I know, it's that you don't need to LOOK your weight--dress appropriately and hold yourself in a way that allows your weight to fall under the radar. That said, jersey-like/mesh material and low-riders do not bode well for those that are trying to fly under said radar.

Okay, so, about every 20 minutes, the guy would get up, go to the snack bar and return with something to eat. And then he would FEED IT TO HIS WIFE. And she would open her mouth wide and close her eyes like she was Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. She was no Kim Basinger. Also, she usually had some food dredges remaining in her teeth from his last trek to the snack bar, so she shared that with everyone as well. PUKE. By the end of the game, they had consumed (this is NOT an exagerration):
  • 2 large "dome" dogs
  • 2 smaller hot dogs
  • 1 large popcorn
  • 1 bag of cotton candy (this one was hideous to watch)
  • 1 bag of peanuts in the shell
  • 2 large sodas
  • 1 bag of chips
  • 1 malted ice cream cup
  • 1 mini-baseball hat of frozen yogurt
  • 1 tray of nachos
When Things go South and Your Butt Crack Becomes a "Y"
This was achieved by the above couple. I need to give C credit for pointing it out to me. Or, maybe I'll hate him forever for placing this descriptor into my brain, burning it there for all of eternity. It is achieved when your butt cheeks are so huge and your pants are so tight and low cut that your buns try to make a run for the border. I'm going to have to refer to my photoshop skillz on this one:

Normal Butt

Going South and Visiting the "Y"
Sort of looks like boobs.

On THAT note! I've made it! I'm done!!
I don't know about you, Jess, but I think I need a mojito.

Monday, September 29, 2008

My 6 Addictions (dammit, Hillary)

I've been tagged out of spite.
Spiteful Hillary has tagged me with a meme of 6 Addictions. Wanker.
And to think I gave her a beautiful shawl via Photoshop. Wanker.
Wanker, wanker, wanker. I love that word.

I was going for an "addiction pose"--instead, I've captured "playing a wine bottle as if it were a trumpet."

6 Addictions
(in no particular order)

Helping the Homeless
Reading the Bible
Collecting for Charity
Mentoring Young Adults
Working at the Animal Shelter

...just kidding, Mom.
I no longer collect for Charity.

6 Addictions (for reals):

TV Crime/Mystery Shows
I can easily blow an entire day watching 12 recorded episodes (taking occasional breaks to pee and get sunflower seeds and Diet Ginger Ale from the kitchen) of CSI, The Closer, Cold Case, Law & Order, Heroin is Fun, Monk, Psych, etc....

Sunflower Seeds & Diet Ginger Ale
I must have these by my side in order to fully enjoy a TV Crime/Mystery Show. If not, I get all antsy and fidgety. This is when heroin is helpful.

Not a day goes by when I don't read at least a 1/4 of an entire book. MUST read. I usually get through half of a novel while waiting for my weekly interventions by the intake counselor. I'm a terribly well-rounded individual--I owe my delusional capacity to my aversion of non-fiction.

As in waistbands. Not sure how to weave heroin into this one, so I'll let it go.

Obviously. I rarely function without a loaded gun of smart ass. I've tried to reel-it-in, to no avail (most of the time). I like to make people laugh--this definitely includes myself. Actually, for the most part, I'm the only one laughing. I mean, you should hear me over here on the other side of the monitor---I'm laughing my ass off!! I kill me!! Heroin is bad!! See? Sarcasm.

Making Lists
FOR EVERYTHING. It's my anorexia--it's how I stay in control. No list? I lose my mind. Then my keys. Then I die a little inside. Then I make a list about what I'll need to re-arrange within my soul to make room for the dying. Then I get out my highlighter. Because no list is complete without a colored line striking through the date.

P.S. I don't actually DO heroin.
P.P.S. I'd better remove it from my to-do list.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

A "Home Stretch" Syllabus and blah blah blah...

C & I went to the game today. Our beloved Twinkies kick major-league ass. They are now in the homestretch of the race for the play-offs. Oh heavenly day...

2008 World Champions
(mark my word)

What a totally unplanned segue into....writing about the home stretch for NaBloPoMo...for posting every, single, godforsaken day in September. Some days have been tough. Some days I come home from work, run to something else, run home, run to the couch to be a lazy slob and then remember that I've made a commitment to my needy little blog. Don't get me wrong--I LOVE writing. I'm just lazy. I think for October, I'll make it a goal to watch TV and eat something every single day. I'll win the GOLD...just you watch.

Some housekeeping...
Remember to place your vote in The 2008 Yarn Pageant
Angela, FriYet, Hillary (& Shawn), Jess (& Paul) and Natalie (& Puppy) would appreciate your vote--the winner will be sent a totally lovely, totally-not-yarn, gift.
Polls will close on Tuesday afternoon and I'll post the results on Wednesday.

Topics for the remaining 2, count 'em, 2 days:
(dear Lord, Jess, can you believe we've nearly made it??)

My 6 Addictions (dammit, Hillary)
The FINAL Post
Slow Talkers, Public Sexified Gluttony &
When Things go South and your Butt Crack Becomes a "Y"

Now go VOTE and I'll see you tomorrow!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Photoshop Phun: The Yarn Pageant!!

Welcome to the 2008 Yarn Pageant!!
This year promises to have the best lookers, yet.

May I present to you, in no particular order, the contestants...

Why it's Angela! She's chosen to go "Avant Garde Cabbage Patch" with 1985 mini-blind shades and an overall red hue on her yarn hair with black tips. She's youthful and can pull this look off like no other. Her girlfriend, Kasey, isn't in this picture, as she's catching up on the latest Grey's Anatomy because she now shares Angela's obsession and promises to no longer make fun of it and will continue buying Angela Grey's Anatomy-themed mugs.

It's FriYet! She's in the car on the way to her 1st day at Cabbage Patch Elementary! She's so excited to be wearing her acrylic hair in the latest 20-pony-tail-holder pig-tails! Her brand new polka-dot blouse really makes her yellow hair POP!

For their 55th wedding anniversary, Hillary and Shawn are in Mexico! Both are salt and pepper yarnified and they look like they're enjoying themselves! As we know, old people are always cold, so Hillary is wearing her favorite black and purple shawl and Shawn is wearing his favorite plaid flannel shirt with the built-in cape. Shawn didn't want to waste money on actual sunglasses so he's wearing the glasses he got for free at his last glaucoma check at the clinic! Aren't they cute?

This is Jess and her hubby Paul! They're out frolicking in the woods after a long day of drinking Miller Lite (see the cans in the background?). They're our present-day Raggedy Ann & Andy with updates! Paul is edgy with his bleached Van Dyke goatee and Jess is rocking a beautiful French manicure--brightened up just slightly with Photoshop. What a happy, attractive couple!

Here is Natalie with an adorable pooch, enjoying a nice day out in Turkey, sipping a Welch's Grape Soda! Natalie is sporting the latest in Cabbage Patch hair--an orange perm. Notice the subtle blonde highlights around the face? They set off her dental implants. Natalie's a bit of an over-achiever and has braces on top of her capped-teeth. She's taking no chances. Like they say, after awhile, most pet owners start to look like their pets---notice how Puppy is wearing Natalie-style sunglasses? Puppy is also having some cosmetic dentistry done. What a happy pair! Couldn't ask for 2 finer individuals to represet the US over in Turkey!

Please take a moment to vote for your favorite entry!!! The person(s) with the highest number of votes will receive a lovely prize from The Over-Thinker. And she promises that the prize is not yarn.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Footwear Fridays: Pink Shoes Edition

FYI, I've had 3 margaritas...I don't know if this is me bragging or more of a warning...

So...pink shoes pink shoes pink shoes. Here they are! I even took the photo over lunch! At my desk! Usually I'm in the kitchen, but I eat lunch at my desk--is that an oxymoron? Or maybe just ironic? Sra, help me out on this one...vocabularize me. (Vocabularize is a word endorsed by the Bush Administration.)

Action-y side shot!

Feet up on the desk-shot! (Boss-y no look-y)
Willy Wonka purple phone makes appearance in the background.

Massive coffee cup in the background filled with Diet A&W Cream Soda.
The breakfast & lunch of champions.

I love these shoes. Diesel brand makes a comfortable tennis shoe. They're the kind of shoe that is so unique it's ugly but it's cute. I get a lot of compliments on these. People always ask where I bought them and I have to tell them I picked them up almost 2 years ago. And I'm being honest. Not like one of those women that never tell you where they got a purse or a cute pair of shoes because they DON'T WANT TO SHARE FASHION---HELLO??? Bitches. ANYwho....(margaritas are talking)...You'll ask them, "I love that bag! Can I ask where you got it?" and they'll answer "Oh, I can't really remember, and it was so long ago." And then you see the bag at DSW on Saturday. I must reiterate: Bitches.

ANYwho (for real this time), I picked them up at DSW in the Fall of 2006 (I think) and paid about 50.00 for them (non-DSW price is around 85.00). Diesel has a pretty cool philosophy about their design--the shoes are handmade (at least these are) and they came with a card that said every shoe is unique--none are exactly the same. I choose to think this is cool and not some lofty way of rationalizing shitty craftsmanship by stitchers drunk on margaritas.

Remeber to submit your photos for the Yarnification! Sparklie, Jess & her Hubs and FriYet have submitted their entries for the Pageant of Yarniness being held tomorrow evening.
It's not too late to enter!

(Hello Hillary and Meg? Since when don't you enter contests??)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Another one for the "Holy Crap I was a HUGE DORK"-Pile

As promised, it's time for another trip in the way-back-machine to a little place I like to call Dorkland. Yes, I still visit it from time to time...but when I was in 5th grade, I owned property there--a whole bunch of property.

If you can imagine, Dorkland is quite vast, so it's hard for me to decide where I'd like to take you. Hmm...let's start over here, in gym class....that looks promising.

Ohhh, gym class. Oh middle-school gym class.
I hate you. Die, DIE middle-school gym class.


I know we've discussed the fact that I have huge knockers, but I was a late bloomer. Gym class taught me that. On the first day of 5th grade gym, the boys and girls met separately. We started in the locker room where we were issued the gym uniform that, in future, I will refer to as Godforsaken Ugly Polyester, or GUP for short.

GUP is quite possibly the most unfortunate apparel that a pre-pubescent girl can wear. Not only does it cling to the flat planes of the chest, it also rides up the ass. This overall look was not helped by the fact that I was a child of the 80's. What better to accessorize your GUP than 65 jelly bracelets, rolled-down socks and lace-less shoes. HOT. Parents? That, right there, is basic birth-control---Make teenagers look so hideous that no one will even look at them. Forget sex education, make teenagers wear GUP uniforms until they're 30.

My GUP was baby-blue. I hated it. I was not a bra-wearing gal at the start of 5th grade. Back then, I really enjoyed a good Garanimals undershirt. Oh, I also enjoyed never shaving. Are you starting to understand this math? Undershirt+Hairy Legs=POPULAR? Yeahno.

In gym, we were divided into squads of 6. After changing into our GUP and putting on our KEDS, we headed to the gym and lined up into the squads. Each squad was assigned a line on the floor to sit on while everyone waited for the class to come out of the lockeroom. During this time, I usually did one of 3 things.
  1. Looked at my hairy legs.
  2. Looked at my fellow squad member's non-hairy legs.
  3. Pretended to be wearing a bra (adjusting invisible straps, etc.)
After the first week of class, I realized that my current appearance and bra-less state did not bode well for my ascent into Popular-dom. At this rate, I would be socializing with the lunch ladies at noon recess. I needed to make a change. I went home and demanded (okay, cried until she caved) that my mom let me shave my legs and demanded (okay, cried again) until my mom took me to get a bra.

It's important to note that my parents have always been WELL-AWARE of my dorkiness. Just the year before, in 4th grade, I remember my parents taking me to the mall to do some shopping. They were encouraging me to start dressing like a young girl, and maybe less like a retired female softball coach. In addition to tucking everything into my underwear, I had a strong love for track suits---we're talking the ones MADE BY HANES. And really, when you're wearing a bright red, or bright purple (and sometimes for the hell of it, I would wear the red top with the purple bottom) track suit, nothing goes better than a turtle-neck patterned with flowers or bunnies. Not to mention two pigtails, pulled so tight that I was usually Asian for the first half of the day. I think my parents took one look at me and decided I was dancing perilously close to the edge of Dorkland and about to fall head-first into Short bus Territory. They intervened. But I held onto my undershirts & leg hair, boy howdy...until 5th grade.

So, the following Monday, with my newly shaved legs and stretchy, uncomfortable bra, I made my way to my squad where, from that point on, I did 3 things:
  1. Ran my hands up and down my legs, trying to draw attention to the fact that I was SO grown-up and attractive.
  2. Let my bra-strap fall off my shoulder, visibly seen peeking out, under the short sleeve, trying to draw attention to the fact that I was SO grown-up and attractive.
  3. Cower whenever I hear one of the "Populars" say, "Oh my God, is she feeling herself up?"
I've sort of come full circle......now I shave my legs for "special occasions," I live in yoga-wear (the NEW track suit) and I rip off my bra at the first opportunity. And I only wear my GUP on really special occassions. I think I'll wear it to the meet-and-greet at BlogHer. MAYBE I'll shave my legs.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Photoshop is Phun: Hair Yarnification & You

Have you ever thought, "Hey, my hair is so shiny and healthy, I really need a change! I'd really like to look like a doll from my childhood--say Raggedy Ann or maybe a Cabbage Patch Doll. Please! Someone help me with this awful head of shiny, lustrous hair!"

Dum du du DUM!!!!!!

Straight from my computer salon to your head, may I present hair washed with Yarnifier. Yarnifier has been years in the making but is now available to you in this once-in-a-lifetime offer!

You may be thinking,
"This is too good to be true!
What's the catch?
How much money will you charge me?"

The answers are Nu-uh! Nothing! Zip!

In order to be yarn-i-fied, you simply need to send your photo to Master Stylist, Over-Thinker, and she'll yarnify the ass outta your hair. Every single person who submits a photo by 5:00 pm (central time) on Saturday afternoon will be sporting festive follicles by that evening.

So...to be Yarnified:
1. Submit your photo (.jpg would be great) to:

theartofoverthinking AT gmail DOT com
(Title the e-mail "Yarn-ME")

2. In the comments (because, remember, I monitor my comment-count
like a shit-hawk--see #10), tell me.......
a) Do you prefer Raggedy Ann or Andy OR Cabbage Patch hair
b) Are you allergic to wool? If so, I will be sure to use a synthetic yarnifier.

Remember to check back on Saturday evening for the Hot-tot-tot Beauty Pageant.

*******Please note that it is up to the discretion of the Over-Thinker
if she feels you also need some dental work or a cape. Or horns.********

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Calling all Jane & John Doe's II: Pee in the Pool Edition

Ooooo....who is that? I don't know! It must be.......
Time for another


For the first edition
of the Jane & John Doe posts,
I posed the following:

What is the worst fib/white lie/MAJOR lie you've told? And were you caught?
...and holy balls, did we get some juicy confessions. I've left the comments open, so feel free to go back to the 1st confessional and spill your guts if you haven't already.

Before we jump into the 2nd Edition, here's the gist of it for those who are first-time-participants:
Remember to submit your comments anonymously; make sure you're not signed in. And if you're worried that I'll be able to figure out who you are by doing something technological, you can trust that I have no idea how to do that and I'd sooner eat a piece of head cheese before learning how to do it. No time for love, Dr. Jones...

So here we go...GET READY FOR QUESTION#2
(no pun intended, but damn, that's pretty funny)


What is the MOST disgusting thing you've done or considered doing?

Like last time,
I'll chime in with my anonymous answer/comment in a bit, too.

Remember to encourage your readers to stop over and spill their guts, too. This could be a messy one.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Muffin Tops & High School Car Washes

Firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please go visit her and wish her a Happy 29th Birthday!!
(Don't mention the number 32. We're not mentioning the number 32.)

So, on the way to the wine-tasting yesterday, we were at an intersection, waiting for the light to turn green and, along with the rest of the drivers, were accosted with a tag-board sign that looked something like this:

This sign was being held (actually, shimmied) by two girls, high school-age, dressed as, oh, how can I gently put this...

What the hell? And do you see the print below "Car Wash Today!!!"? YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. It's important to note that they were yelling that line. I'm fairly certain this phrase acts like a homing device for the skeevies of the world to pull their kidnap-van into the lot for a hand-wash (omg, I almost typed hand-job).

Want to know the best part? The car wash was in support of a Church Youth Group trip! Nothing says Christian Event like teenage muffin-tops and dish-washing soap!!

I know I was bitching yesterday, about being taken for an oldie...but I'm about to sound like an oldie right here--what the hell are teenage girls wearing these days? They leave for school in the morning wearing visible g-strings under Juicy velour pants, crop-tops and the most ginormous hoop earrings I've ever seen!! They look like hoochies!

And they get to stay at school dressed like that? I remember kids being sent home for wearing "Big Johnson" t-shirts. Remember those? Good Lord, my mom would have a cow if I would wear my jelly-shoes without socks!! (Okay, maybe it wasn't that bad, but times were much more conservative.) I'm all for kids finding their own identity and still dressing their age. It just seems like a lot of kids are finding the identity of HOOKER. (Please note, I feel strongly about adults dressing their age as well---you know who you are, 45-year-old woman borrowing your high-school age daughter's clothes and telling everyone that you and your high-school age daughter love to "share" clothes.)

I know I can't be alone in thinking this....please tell me I'm not alone.

Now...where did I put my ginormous hoop earrings and butt-cleavage jeans...I'm late for a car-wash.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I'm officially old-looking and A Syllabus for the Week Ahead

Yes, that's really my ID in the wine glass---haHA!
C taught me how to use the blur tool so you can't see my weight!

We've returned from our triumphant wine tasting. Two things I have learned:
1) I hate dessert wine, and
2) Wine tasting=stingy samples.

Also, 3) I didn't get carded--the guy said I "just made it under his radar"...um, I'm 31? Aren't they supposed to card people that look 35 and younger? Does that mean he thought I looked 36? DaaaaaaMMIT. Maybe the Aveeno isn't kicking in as well as I had hoped?! Jackass. Doesn't he know that he should card women unless they're physically in a coffin?? Reminds me of ANOTHER time I was aged-up.....

Nicole and I were at a Mexican restaurant and we both ordered margaritas. I think I was 28 and she was 26 or 27--can't exactly remember (see, forgetfulness...it's already starting). I'm used to being carded all the time in Minnesota--they're pretty picky at restaurants. So, Nic and I had our ID's out. I think Nicole and I appear to be the same age. And I happen to think we both look young enough to card. Well, I did until THAT night. So...as I was saying, Nic and I both had our ID's ready before we even placed our drink order. The waiter wrote our orders on his tablet and said "I'll need to see your ID." We both oferred them up and he looked at me and said, "Oh, not yours." Well, then, sonny---there goes your tip!!! Here, I'll leave you a nickel--like the oldies do. Now, where can I find a "Red Hat Club" to join? Wonder if I can get Metamucil on the cheap via eBay?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Nicole found that MUCH more amusing that I did. SHUT UP NICOLE. You're an old, married woman now, so there....

Shakes fist at disrespectful children***

So you can plan accordingly, the following will be The Art of Over-Thinking's post-schedule for the week. If a topic sounds sucky, you can plan ahead to delete the feed. Just trying to help out...

Monday: Muffin Tops & High School Car Washes
Tuesday: Calling all Jane & John Doe's II: Pee in the Pool Edition
Wednesday: Photoshop is Phun: Hair Yarnification Demos
Thursday: Moronic Tales from my Childhood
Friday: Footwear Friday, Pink Shoes Edition
Saturday: Photoshop Phun Phollow-Up...entries revealed
Sunday: Mystery Post (a.k.a. not sure what the hell I'm going to write about)

There you have it. Fill-in your calendars and get ready for one helluva week.
Ground-breaking material will be shared. Not for children.

(I'm carding every last one of you!)
(Because I care and I know it matters, dammit!!)

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Wanna see Fidge give Abe the business?

I took this video awhile ago--Fidge (Cone Head) had been home for a few days after having surgery on one of her gajillion toes. She found out that one of her favorite hiding places was no longer working out so well. The damn cone had foiled her plan. And Abe was enjoying the show. If the feed isn't too staticky (I think it will be...), you may be able to hear my voice. Isn't my voice just mellow and soothing? Just close your eyes and let the nasally goodness take you away to an island oasis....the snort is the cherry on top.

My favorite part of the video is the little parting gift/bitch-slap that Fidge gives Abe once she's free. Around these parts, we call that "Giving Abe the Business." Fidge is ALWAYS giving out her business card.

Happy Saturday! I'm still in my pajamas....and I don't think I can blame the smell on the cat-boxes. Time to hose-off. Then I'll put on clean pajamas and get back to watching TV. That's how I show Saturday "the business."


Friday, September 19, 2008

36 Pieces of Over-Thinker on the Wall, 36 pieces of the Over-Thinker!....Take one down, pass it around....This is the dumbest song in the world!

Because you were so blown away by my mad PS skillz yesterday, may I present you with another piece of art. I gave C a cape, Chiclet gum teeth, a smarmy mustache and over-thinker glasses. I gave myself freckles and (see #34) braces.

I stole this post idea from Jess because she told me I could because she loves me.
Okay fine, she told all of her readers that they could steal it.
But I'm pretty sure that she still loves me.

36 Things About Me that you (probably) Didn't Know

1. I’ve never had pancakes or pickles. (I’m totally prepared for the barrage of comments on this one. Especially since I work in the culinary field.)

2. I don’t use a shaving cream- I use Dove bar soap for leg and armpit shaving.

3. I repeat the number “3” in my head when I feel like I’m going to pee my pants and for some reason it makes me not have to “go.” Try it. It works.

4. I cannot stand it when people scratch out mistakes when they’re writing with a pen. I am a firm believer in neatness and white-out. (Unless the mistake is in a card from Hillary that she filled out when she was drunk. Because that’s not a mistake, that’s framing-material and is awesome.)

5. I hate my legs and will sooner have heat stroke than wear shorts in public.

6. I think that grape Kool-Aid tastes like ketchup (and vice versa).

7. My favorite snack is in-the-shell sunflower seeds. I can “de-shell” them like a baseball player.

8. I don’t drink regular Coke too often. But at Christmas time, I must drink regular Coke because of the Santa Cans. The Pepsi Holiday Cans are inferior and stupid.

9. I am highly superstitious about numbers…especially the number 7 (I know, not too original). I purposely pump an amount of gas that is a multiple of 7 or has a 7 in the total charge.

10. I think my favorite color is green. But for some reason, I tell everyone it’s red.

11. I love school supplies—so much so that I help run a school-supply drive for a family center specifically so I can blow massive amount of cash at Office Depot.

12. I want to be British when I grow up. I have a tendency to throw British-y words into my conversations.

13. I love Ewan McGregor—but I find him incredibly attractive and disgusting all at the same time.

14. My mom said my early childhood behavior (having nothing to do with bed-wetting!) predicted what I’d “be” when I grew up—whenever Julia Child’s cooking program came on, and the theme song rolled, I would/crawl/wobble from wherever I happened to be in the house and stand in front of the TV, bouncing up and down to the music: BaRUM Bum Bum Badadadadadada BumBUM Ba Dum….

15. I can’t stand Meg Ryan.

16. I used to not be able to stand Nicole Kidman. But since she left Tom Cruise, I sort of love her.

17. My ears are TOTALLY unique. Uh, from each other. Doesn’t stop me from wearing my hair up.

18. I like doing “old lady things” like knitting, drinking tea, watching old movies and owning cats.

19. I flare my nose when I talk. Like, perpetually.

20. When I was a kid, I used to LOVE going to the motor-home show at the mall. My favorite brand of motor-home was “Mallard”—I think. Or maybe it was some other duck/bird thing.

21. I never had a drop of alcohol until I was 19. My dad was a principal and my mom was a teacher—I couldn’t get AWAY with ANYTHING.

22. Although once I made fake puke in the toilet with foundation, powder and Pepsi so I could stay home. It worked. (Hi Mom! I did this only once!)

23. C & I had a girl gecko named Otis. We used to “let” her “swim” in the bathtub. Until we found out that geckos can’t swim. We just thought she was squirmy.

24. C & I had a hamster named Louie. Louis would stand on his head to pee.

25. I love (and miss) Pepsi Blue—it made certain things bright green but it was totally worth it.

26. I consider myself to be pretty intelligent—but, I know very little about history. I am definitely NOT “Smarter than a Fifth-Grader” in History. I need to read more non-fiction.

27. I have to be able to tuck my hair behind my ears.

28. I love Diet Ginger Ale and Diet Cran-Grape mixed together.

29. I can guess how someone’s feet look by seeing their hands. I’m magical.

30. My cell phone is Willy Wonka Purple.

31. If I ever get the balls to sing karaoke, I would like to sing “Untouchable Face” by Ani DiFranco. But there are a lot of f-bombs in the song. And replacing them with fudge would NOT work. “So fudge you, and your untouchable face—fudge you for existing in the first place….”

32. I look pretty good in a baseball hat.

33. I’ve had braces twice—the first time was on my bottom teeth-only (wth?) and the second time was the full boat-load.

34. When I was really little, I thought it would be awesome to have braces. So much so that I would unwind a paper-clip and wear it in my mouth, like a quasi-retainer.

35. I have the potential to have a very good “radio/voice-over” voice. C had me record all of the voice commands for our computer, like the “you’ve got mail,” or “device connect,” stuff…My voice kind of has a nerdy/phone sex quality to it. With a touch of nasal-hyena. Just like buttah...

36. I have a good singing voice. When I was 5—not so much. I believe “tone deaf” or “special child” may have been uttered. My mom made a tape-recording of me singing the song, “Every Valley” that is so unbelievably terrible that one cannot listen to it without either A) Shitting their pants laughing or B) Laughing so hard that they have tears streaming down their face and then they pee their pants a little. I HAVE to get it into an audio file so I can make you guys poop and pee your pants. It’s quite possibly the worst attempt at “music” EVER. EVER. You. Will. Die. I believe at one point I have the hiccups and I howl. And I thought I was Gooooooood.

And if you still want more, here are 21 more things....from my very first post.

(I'd link to FriYet and her 36-Things post, but she's slackin' and isn't finished. I'm pretty sure that means that she owes me something for beating her. Like cash or maybe a car wash.)

P.S. Hills, you are NOT it. Although, I was sorely tempted b/c you were so relieved that Jess didn't tag you with hers.
P.P.S. Oh look, Hillary! I've changed my mind, you're it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***cackle cackle cackle cackle***

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I hate you, BlogSpot....(haven't I posted this title before???)

And for saying that I am hot. And that C is hot. We now have huge heads.
Huge heads---that are HOT!

I spent like five jamillion hours typing out this really LONG post. And I did it in Microsoft Office (HATE!) Hmm...turns out that you can't simply cut and paste without like five thousand error messages popping up in the BlogSpot text field. I have no energy to re-type it all tonight (it's LONG), so stay-tuned for tomorrow's post:

36 Things About Me that you (probably) Didn't Know
in addition to the fact that I have MAD PHOTOSHOP SKILLZZZ)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

It's our anniversary and we'll eat steak and drink wine if we want to, eat steak and drink wine if we want to.....

It's our Anniversary!
We are this many...
picture by bigjohnstud2142
(I swear, that's really the owner's name!)

C & I are off to celebrate
our 3rd Wedding Anniversary
with steak and red wine and chocolate.
Couldn't ask for a more perfect evening.
Love you, C.

(I'm so happy that my smile is showcasing my Orbitz gum!)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Deep Thoughts....by The Over-Thinker

*Insert Dreamy Music....maybe with a touch of xylophone*
(Yes!! I totally spelled that correctly the FIRST TIME!)

I need to stop hugging the back of the chair for all of my "myspace" photos. It makes me look all needy. When in fact, it's really about the magical skill of balancing myself so I don't fall on the floor.

Now....for the thoughts....

There really is no time or place for absolute honesty; however, there is definitely a place for lying your ass off so you don't get a late fee at Blockbuster.

Women with cankles should not wear sling-backs. The end.

It is entirely acceptable to go multiple, consecutive months with shaving only your ankles.

If a work meeting announcement says "Beverages will be served," "Beverages" cannot equal water. That's like saying snacks will be served and giving you a high-five in place of actual food.

If you bite one fingernail off, you must bite all of the other ones off because it just makes sense.

Working out is stupid. Pizza is awesome.

Catching your heel on the inside of your lab coat and then falling, knees first, into your office is really quite fantastic. Protecting your knees from the fall by hitting your chin on the chair is also encouraged.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Come & Get YO CHOCOLATE!!!

Like I did with the last giveaway, I decided to do 3 drawings--one for each selection. After removing Sra from the drawing (because you she's know a you sucker want and chocolate has really gone really all bad healthy Sra on us) I drew 3 names......

Nilsa, Memarie & Sparklie,
you are the winners!!!

Shoot me an e-mail with your mailing address (and real names) and I'll get the chocolatey goodness sent off to you a.s.a.p.!

P.S. Sra, you can expect a pound of butter in the mail. xoxo

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Wii are in Hell. Out of Shape, Hell.

I twittered about this, but I don't think I've ever blogged about it.....

I WON A Wii At WORK!!!

Yes, I am thrilled about that.

But, I think I pulled my groin Wii-Bowling and C strained his shoulder Wii-Baseball-ing. Wii are morons. Wii are out-of-shape, 31-year-olds.

Gone are the days of inner-thumb blisters from Atari joy-sticks and palm burns from rotating the hell outta Nintendo mini joy-sticks for Mario Party. No, now we've escalated out of the realm of hand-injury to actual, bodily harm. YAY! Yet, I keep coming back for more. Did you know that it's entirely possible to actually slap one of your boobs into the other boob (thus creating one hell of a clapping noise) if you Wii-Bowl without a bra? Yeah, beware of that. They don't put THAT on the box. Sadists.

C is entirely superior to me in all things video-game. I didn't grow up with them. I think my parent's had the first edition of Pong, but that's where it ended. I don't think they believed in them. No, they believed in making me build my own Barbie Dream House (i.e. Tower o' Coffins). They were more into the whole "learning is fun!" bunch of insanity. I was a bit of a huge nerd (remember the rock polisher??) and really enjoyed "eductional games"--I pretty much gave myself wedgies, I really was that nerdy. I liked getting school supplies as presents and was always excited to get books for gifts.

But, apparently, deep down I really wanted to play video games. I can clearly remember one Christmas, opening up a package that looked suspiciously like a Nintendo Game console (p.s. why do people pronounce this as council??). I remember letting out a, "No way!! REALLY??" and then slowly coming to the realization that it wasn't a Nintendo, but rather, a typewriter---the coup de gras of school supplies. There would be no Mario in my future...just a bunch of asterisks, "ding" noises, and bunched ribbons. Really, a game in itself.

So, I think I've fully embraced my geek-dom. I will never be "good" at video games. I'll always be the one with the shortest turn. The one who's turn is always followed by well-wishes of, "Hey, that wasn't too bad. Better than last time!" Now, I can just suck and experience a new level of physical pain. Whoopee!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Oh Neat. Does anyone have Father Karras's Number?

I have about 6 DVR'd episodes of Cold Case to watch so I will be indisposed for the rest of the day. If you stop by my place to chat, I may be a tad bit distracted by Lilly and Scotty....you may need to chit chat with Abe and Fidge who are currently uber-pissed at me for not allowing them to eat the dining room table centerpiece.

Instead of blogging actual, original thoughts, I decided to take the earth-shatteringly accurate test known as "The Online Quiz."

I took a "What Does the Inside of Your Soul Really Look Like?" quiz and the results are quite frightening. Here I thought the room would be cozy with hardwood floors, large windows and big over-sized furniture......instead, may I present you with "Austin Powers meets Adobe/Santa Fe Hot Topic." Umm...you may want to re-think liking me because I'm guessing I may need an exorcism. W.T.H.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life.

You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it.

You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you.

Your near future is all about change, but in very small steps. The end of the journey looks far, but it's much closer than you realize.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Your Turn....Hope yours is less dungeon-y.

Friday, September 12, 2008

For the love of Jam.....and Chocolate. WHO WANTS MY CHOCOLATE (you can't have my jam)?????

I think I'm going to make that my new saying........Of course, I will always use Meg's "Sweet Fancy Moses" when the situation is dire, but "For the Love of JAM!" is going to be my new pissy phrase.

In addition to the butt-load of Canadian Goodness that came my way from Hillary, I've now been gifted some of her Wedding Jam!!! I've decided that "Wedding Jam" sounds really naughty, so how about I refer to it as Nuptial Condiments. NO. That's worse. How about Stuff to Spread on Toast that was Given as a Favor at a Wedding. Totally not dirty, and actually, quite catchy. I'll refer to it as STSTOTTW...oh nevermind. JAM it is!

I canNOT wait to try them! She sent me Kiwi and Strawberry Rhubarb. They are so pretty that I almost want to keep them sealed and displayed on my counter forever! P.S. Did you notice that I totally wiped the cat hair off my kitchen counter? Nothing but the bestest for a bloggy photo shoot.

Her generosity put me in the mood for another give-away. This one is for 2 jars of JAM! JUST KIDDING!!! It's mine mine mine! BUT, I am willing to part with some....wait for it........


"Noir Satin"
Smooth Extra Dark Chocolate

"White Blueberry"
White Chocolate with a Fruity Touch of Blueberry

Dark Chocolate Infused with Premium Red Chili

The contest will be an easy one to enter. All that you need to do is send me a dollar via PayPal and write me a sonnet.
You can leave a comment with answers to the following questions:
Which bar of chocolate do you prefer?
What's your favorite thing about me? My beauty or my beauty?
What's the most amount of chocolate (or vanilla or other "sweet") you've consumed in one sitting?

I will draw the winner on Monday afternoon, so you have a few days to compose that sonnet.
Good Luck!

Linky-love to the contest is always appreciated :-)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

2,974 Reasons to always say I Love You before you say Goodbye....

Photo Credit: cuppycakes5199

Sweet is the remembrance of troubles when you are in safety.

I'd like to keep this one simple and put my sarcasm on "pause" for the day.

When I heard that the first plane had hit the first tower, I was leaving a lecture hall after attending a class on, of all things, Tourism. I spent the rest of the day, sitting on the make-shift cushion of my satchel in a standing-room-only activity center on campus. Glued to the TV. Later finding out that 2,974 men, women & children lost their lives and countless others lost family members, teachers, friends and spouses.

And for today...I won't talk of politics, right-wing/left-wing views, the upcoming election.

I'd just like to know......Where were you?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Minus the Trenchcoat: "Psst! Hey Lady...Cheap, Prescription Glasses!!"


I swear to God that I'm not getting a kick-back from this site---heck, Aveeno still hasn't sent my check. I just want to pass this little bit of loveliness your way.

A few co-workers of mine were talking about prescription glasses and I delicately (steamrolled) my way into the conversation when I heard the phrase, "....and they're so cheap! How can you lose?" So, click here and browse their selection. All you need to do is pick out some frames, send them your prescription (and your first-born son, but that's only with bifocals...), and VOILA! Seriously cheap, prescription glasses or sunglasses.

I'm a wearer of the glasses. When I drive, I'm also a squinter/hand-shielder/too-short-for-the-visor-to-matter sort of gal. I've NEVER had prescription sunglasses! Each year, I usually get 2 pairs of glasses....I never seem to think of getting sunglasses. I'm definitely going to look into those, too. Yes, summer is almost over, but still, um, the sun will still be here. In the morning? Sun. In the afternoon? Sun (Am I campaigning for the sun?) (I think I'm campaigning for the sun.) (Do you think the sun is a Democrat?) (I hope so, or my parents are going to be very disappointed in me.) And with winter coming up, I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with SNOW BLINDNESS. I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND! (and then you pull into the garage) OH MY GOD, I'M NOT BLIND!!

So, follow me over to the cheap-o site. What have we got to lose? About 20-30 bucks? Also, 2 of my co-workers have received their glasses and they're very happy with them and the frames are too cute.

Some of the frames I'm looking at are, well....To quote "Suede" from Project Runway....they're a little bit "whack-a-doodle" but really, so am I so I think I can pull them off. And maybe I'll get sick of them after a few months, but they're so cheap! I'd spend more money out eating sushi.

Here are my selections.....I'll probably end up getting all 3.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Slow news day: I've just tagged myself with a MeMe. LAME.

How have ya been?
Lovely day, isn't it?

Look! I've braided C's hair
into a lovely French braid! Who's next?

.......yeah, I've got nothing. My brain is about as lively as the last dirty-water-dog floating away from the tongs. You're mighty welcome for that picture.

I thought I'd go to one of those Meme's R Us websites to get an idea and FYI? They are TERRIBLE. Thank your lucky stars I've decided against a meme post on the following subjects:

These winners are under the "FUN!" Category:

Are You A Stain Removal Siren?
Are You A Packing Expert?
Test Your Knowledge Of Plant Trivia!
Do You Party With Style?

How about I just give you the basics? No. No. Huh? Do board games count?

Let's just go with something generic like...

Ten on a Tuesday
Please note that OT may use "Ten on Tuesday" on Sundays and some Fridays.

Let's do something Cheery!

"Ten Current Banes of My Existence"
  1. Dry-Clean Only Shower Curtain. Does anyone need a washcloth that was once a shower curtain?
  2. Socks. I can't believe we're already having weather that necessitates socks. I BARELY remember pants.
  3. Not being able to lie down on the couch and keep my glasses from ramming into the side of my head and nose. So unfair.
  4. Cats that don't clean their own litter boxes. Where's the responsibility with cats these days??
  5. TNT broadcasting commercials for their own "original programing" (see "Raising the Bar") at ridiculously HIGH VOLUMES. Like eardrum shaking volume.
  6. Mark-Paul Gosselaar's hair in "Raising the Bar"---what the hell?
  7. The fact that Gosselaar and Gyllenhaal aren't in Blog Spot spelling dictionaries. Those double-A's mess me up.
  8. People thinking that Tom Cruise is still hot.
  9. Yawning and splitting my lip open. Seriously, this trying to cut-out-the-Chapstick cold turkey is NOT working for me. I need a hit.
  10. Fiber One bars.....taste so good..........good GOD what is GOING ON IN MY STOMACH?!

I won't tag anyone because
I don't want to end up on anyone's
"Banes of Existence" lists.

I may be cranky, but I'm not stupid.
Anyone want me to do their hair? Have any Junior High Dances to go to?
Braids look GREAT with ruffles and shoulder-pads. No?

Monday, September 8, 2008

We can put a man on the moon...but Hollywood can't make a decent looking fake tattoo!!

A brief rant. A rantlette, if you will:

Why the hell can't Hollywood, with its millions of dollars worth of special-effects make-up wizardry, produce a realistic, fake tattoo??? Do they not have more than a few Sharpies in their arsenal of "magic?"

I just watched an episode of Cold Case and this lady had a neck tattoo that was SO TERRIBLE, you could literally see where it was coming unglued. Unglued, people! Honest to God, I think I need to quit my job, move to Hollywood and do their damn tattoos.

I mean, please, I'd kick ass!
Just think what I could do with TWO colors!

You know what makes a really good balance--ya know, for steadying you hand in a fake-tattoo photo? Your cat's head. Thanks, Fidgy.

Have you noticed these crappy tattoos? No? Just me? 'Kay....nevermind.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

There's a Little Witch in the Over-Thinker....

If you're looking to read something to pass the time while waiting for Hills to post photos of her new haircut, may I recommend:


Book Photo found at:

Yesterday, I twittered*: "I would like to let the 21st century know that I've started reading Wicked. Just watch, next thing you know I'll be trying Starbucks." Sometimes I'm a bit slow on the uptake, not always the first to pick up what's been put down. I have a tendency to do this with books. Oh Hi, Harry Potter! What's that? You've been out for six years? Don't mind if I do!!

I picked up Wicked about a year ago at Half-Price Books and it's been sitting on my bookshelf in the "need to read row." Yes, I have a need to read row, so what? Shut up---anal retentiveness is SO the new black!! With Halloween around the corner, I knew that I wanted to read a Halloween-y, Witch-y type of book. Usually, my go-to is Practical Magic (easily one of my most favorite books of all time, even though the movie sort of blew chunks---the book is a million times better) but I wanted to do something new. So, Wicked it is!

So far, I'm really loving it. It's not the normal book genre I go for, but with all the hub-bub I felt I needed to give it a try. It's more Lord of the Rings-y than my typical go-to-mystery book. Jess is also reading it (when she's not busy doing "heroine"--such a ho) and has asked me if I would like to race. I have neither accepted, nor have I declined. She's very competitive, so I'm thinking I should accept and then let her win. I'm fairly certain she could cream the living tar out of me, so I'm okay with losing. No really, I'm okay.

Through work, I was able to score 2 tickets to the Broadway Production of Wicked (traveling show, performed in the metro). The show is in December. I hope to have the book completed by that time. If not, I'll ask Jess for Cliff Notes and let her be my date. Although, I've already asked my mom to go with me. Hmm, I wonder if my mom could take Jess. I think she could if Jess wasn't fueled by a gas tank of Diet Mountain Dew. Love you Jess! Kisses!

*I keep forgetting to pimp Twitter. If you want to follow my smart-assness throughout the day, you can find me here. Please note that I twitter terribly irrelevant things (not to be confused with irreverent).

Saturday, September 6, 2008

I'm about to impart an age-old secret (okay, 2 weeks old, but who's counting) (stop counting)

Ali, over at Cheaper Than Therapy just posted about her under-eye baggies. Firstly, let me say that Ali can pull off any look, baggies included, and appear fabulous. She lives on Planet Beautiful. I visit Planet Beautiful about once every 2 years and the rest of the days I spread my time between Planet Holy Shit What the Hell?? and Planet Meh.

But... there is one thing that I have that I know is good: the skin on my face (that sounds kind of creepy, doesn't it? Kind of Texas Chainsaw Massacre or something?). Anywho, I'm realize that I'm still moderately young (31), but I've taken care of my skin forever. I can remember using Oil of Olay oil-free lotion since I was in 6th grade. Also, I have good genes. My mom can easily pass for about 15 years younger than her 60 years. But still... an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of...uh, good skin? Gold coins? ANYWHO.....I know that I've found another product to give my loyalty.

May I present 0.5 oz of Prevention (and magic):

Oooo....please appreciate the interesting (accidental) lighting
and the fact that it's sitting on our kittens' kennel.

This tiny bottle of Aveeno Active Naturals, Positively Ageless, Lifting & Firming Eye Cream (holy long name, Batman!) is AWESOME. It's spendy, $16.99 for half an ounce (purchased at Target but I'd guess you can get it anywhere), but it's one of those products where a little bit goes on a cross country road trip. I am someone who always has had a bit of luggage under the eyes and a bit of paranoia about looking old. I love products that help fix a current problem and also work to prevent it from happening again.

I've been using this lotion morning and night, around my eyes (ALL around, right up to my eyebrow and down to a bit past the lower bags). Here are the reasons I love it:

  1. It NEVER makes my eyes water and makes my skin feel good. I have very sensitive eyes and other eye creams (even the hypo-allergenic ones) make my eyes water or skin burn.
  2. I can wear my eyeshadow over it and my lids don't get all creasy and greasy.
  3. It has something in it that reflects light and immediately makes my dark bags look MUCH lighter. While it's helping create an illusion, it's also working at fading them. I don't know how it works, but Aveeno is all natural (the cream is made out of wheat protein and shitake complex/extract). All I now is my eyes look bright and it looks like I've had tons of sleep.
  4. My crowsfeet (Oh the humanity! Why must I love the sun so much and ALWAYS forget my sunglasses!?) and upper and lower lids have really benefited from the regular use. My eyelids aren't as papery---do you know what I mean by this? For example, about 2 weeks ago, if I would put eye shadow on my lids, while I was dragging the "wand" over the lid, the skin would move with it and have a seat. NOT cool. It doesn't do that anymore. Also, I smile and laugh A LOT so I have lots of crinkly skin around my eyes--this lotion helps make the crinkles less noticeable.

Besides Oil of Olay, this is the only other lotion in my face regimine. I like to keep things simple because I'm lazy and don't keep up with a lot of hoopla. This definitely isn't hoopla and it definitely works.

Dear Aveeno,
I will be expecting your payment for my undying love of your lotion any day now.
Thanks muchly,