Monday, June 30, 2008

Calling All Jane & John Doe's!! Time to spill it.

I've been mulling over an idea for a post where I would ask that all of the comments be submitted anonymously. Normally, I have the anonymous option turned off because I like knowing who to picture in my head when I'm crying from criticism. Heh--just kidding. Heh, mostly.

But I also recognize the freedom that holds hands with the option to remain anonymous. Have you heard of Post Secret? It's an amazing concept. The site and books are addictive. Maybe you've already purchased the books? Or maybe you just read 20 pages at a time when you're at Barnes and Noble's? Hmm? Thought so. That's tacky and totally something I totally wouldn't do. Like almost never.

I was at a bit of a quandary regarding the tone of the question I wanted to pose to you. Should it be something that's a total dive into the deep end? Or should I stay in the wading pool with floaties? Or, maybe I should go for something in the middle like a somersault in the 5-feet-deep water. Maybe I should quit writing in aquatic similes? Nah....that would be boring. Okay, put your goggles on ladies and gents. Hope you remembered to shave!

Remember to submit your comments anonymously; make sure you're not signed in. And if you're worried that I'll be able to figure out who you are by doing something technological, you can trust that I have no idea how to do that and I'd sooner eat a piece of head cheese before learning how to do it. No time for love, Dr. Jones...

For this initial Jane & John Doe post, let's keep it light:


What is the worst fib/white lie/MAJOR lie you've told? And were you caught?

I'll chime in with my anonymous answer/comment in a bit, too.

I hope some lurkers will delurk and spill their guts on this one. I'm also hoping this will be freeing---like dancing in the moonlight in our underwear. Or sitting in our underwear by the glow of the TV set? Or washing our bras in the sink by the light of an incandescent fixture? This blog is nothing if not full of options.

Please encourage your readers to stop over and spill their guts, too. This could be good.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

One Wedding, 12 Phallic Straws and a Previously Buried Fear of Heights later...

Oh it's good to be back! Did ya miss me? Ooodles you say? Well definitely right back atcha :)

Our holiday was wonderful. C and I logged about a gajillion ass-numbing hours over hill and dale and mountain trail. And sweet SWEET fancy moses, turns out that I have a massive fear of heights. This is news to me, and although he didn't show it, I'm sure a bit annoying to C. I wasn't aware of this fear until I was manning the wheel on our first foray over a mountain range. After seeing the following signs:
  • 15 mph turn ahead paired with the illustration of a hair pin
  • truck runaway road ahead
  • and the slightly paraphrased "Better brake your sweet ass off so you don't fly off the friggin' cliff"
...the fear set in. And by set in, I mean, my hands and feet started to copiously sweat, my eyelids vibrated and I gripped the wheel so tight I'm pretty certain I encouraged the onset of arthritis. And you know what's equally super fantastic? When I passed by a guard-rail that had been completely bent off (OFF!) the side of the road to reveal the sheerest drop-off this little nervous shit had ever seen!!!!!!! I got SO freaked out by the idea that someone had plummeted to their death (b/c there's NO WAY that one could survive that drop-off unless their name rhymes with Indiana Jones) that I nearly lost my cookies.

ANYwho.....C was a patient, patient man and let me "keep trying" to drive through the mountain-ful parks. And FYI? I can now drive down a steep incline without hyperventilating. Dear God, Please do not hold BlogHer '09 at the Empire State Building or I might have to go off you for a bit. Amen.

On Friday, we finally arrived in Teton Village, WY. I went to meet up with Nicole's family and her soon-to-be-in laws at the Mangy Moose pub where we had a lovely dinner accessorized by strong drinks sipped through penis straws.

Nic's sisters and mom arranged for a striking gentleman to accompany us throughout the night's festivities. Let me introduce you to Pedro.

Pedro was enjoyed by many and was blown up by most. He became a bit limp and needed to be, shall we say, inflated frequently. Many volunteered their air.

The next afternoon, we got all fancied up and made our way out to the wedding location.

Me and C doing an impromptu Footwear Saturday Photo.

The weather was perfect and the scenery was unreal. The ceremony was short and sweet and went off without a hitch. Well, except for the part at the end where I realized I had forgotten to suck in my stomach for the ceremony and might have looked a bit 5 months pregnant (the night before, I should have stopped after 3 margaritas). I apparently forgot the formula:

5 or more cocktails + a clingy empire waist dress = wear Spanx you moron.

We took a bunch of photos after the ceremony--here is just one of many of the happy couple, Nicole and Todd. Can you believe the back-drop??

And one of C and I against the Grand Tetons.

After the ceremony we drove to a wonderful restaurant and had a fabulous dinner on a huge screen porch. It was beautiful. And did I mention the AMAZING desserts? Displayed here by the lovely Lissa? Doesn't she just look so blown away by the prettiness of them? Or maybe she's thinking Good GOD, does OT have to take photos of EVERYTHING?? (Yes, Lissa. Yes I do. You were so lucky to be sitting next to me. Totally.)

Obviously, the main reason for our 1/2-cross-country jaunt was Todd and Nic's wedding in Teton Village, but we also managed to fit in a visit to Yellowstone, Big Horn, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Custer State Park and Wind Cave, Devil's Tower, Wall Drug, The Corn Palace and the Badlands. Did I mention that we visited those places within the span of 3 days? That's right. We're completely insane. I am still experiencing a raging case of car butt (where my cheeks spontaneously become numb).

Here are a few photos of our travels.

The Corn Palace. Quite possibly the dullest place in the world. But now I can say I've been there. We opted out of taking the tour and went the self-guided route. Walking through the "palace" we could still hear the musings of the 9th-grade tour guide (who TOTALLY looked like the banjo-kid from Deliverance *shivers*) proclaiming the greatness of corn. Glad we dodged that bullet.

Wall Drug. I've always seen those bumper stickers that ask "Where is Wall Drug?"...well hot damn if we didn't find it WHERE THE MAP TOLD US IT WOULD BE----in WALL DRUG, SD. Their schtick is that they give away free ice water. Nothing deserves a macro-stylized shot like free ice water.

Devil's Tower. Now this was pretty cool. Of course, the whole hike, I couldn't stop humming the notes from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Because I'm totally original. Heh.

Mount Rushmore. Pretty cool to see. It wasn't as big as I thought it would be but it was still quite amazing considering how it was made. Doesn't my back look amazed?

Crazy Horse. I teased C that the reason he lined this shot up the way he did was to capture the woman in the hat. He denies it, but I think I saw them exchange phone numbers. I can't really explain the vastness of the Crazy Horse Project, so I shall direct you here. Please note that the statue the blue-hat woman is standing in front of is just a model of what will eventually be carved into the mountainside.

Wind Cave. We took the 1 1/2 hour guided tour/hike 450 feet below ground. Pretty incredible. Definitely not for claustrophobics.

Old Faithful at Yellowstone. This was so cool. So cool, in fact, that I could tolerate Captain Redundantly-Obvious sitting behind us. The literature clearly states that Old Faithful erupts once an hour at a declared time, give or take ten minutes. Imagine my happiness when Captain R-O decided to say, "Any second now. She's gonna blow. Any second. Oh here she comes! Hmm...okay, any second now." EVERY MINUTE. And then when it finally did "go" he was all disappointed, said something like, "The other one was taller. Come on kids." Well, I thought it was cool.

Yellowstone. SO BEAUTIFUL. I still can't believe how huge it is. And the views! (Yes, even I was able to enjoy Yellowstone even with a raging case of Vertigo.) We had no idea how much of the park was effected by the fire, but there were more trees down than standing. It was pretty surreal.

The Badlands. The last stop on our trip. Absolutely breathtaking.

Last Photo of Me on the Trip. Obviously suffering the side-effects of car butt and consuming my weight in Swedish Fish and Jones Soda.

It's good to be home.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

And the popular choice is: PROSTITUTE (I'm starting to wonder about my readers...)

I had a sneaky feeling that you'd pick that one. I'll cover-off on "Amtrak" and "Garage Sale" at a later date.

The (Secret) Prostitute

As a massively nerdy blogger, I've taken to carrying around a little notebook so I can write stuff down that I think would make good blog topics. And this one is classic. I can't make this shit up, people.

I was home last weekend helping my mom out with the garage sale. Before the sale I went to the grocery store to pick up some helium balloons (15!). Big Yellow Balloons for those participating in the group rummage sale to put on their mailboxes in the morning. Just a tip: If someone asks you if you'll need assistance getting 15 helium-filled balloons into your car, say yes. Do NOT say, "No Thanks." Sixty-mile an hour wind gusts and 10 balloon strings wrapped around your neck later, you'll regret your Minnesota-niceness.

While standing in line, waiting for the balloons, I was fortunate to be standing behind Susan and Whitney. I know their names because they addressed each other. This is the conversation I heard. Verbatim. Trust me---I wrote the whole thing down after I unwrapped the balloon noose from my neck.

Susan: Did you know she was a prostitute?
Whitney: I'd heard some talk. Even before she moved.
Susan: Have you heard of backwash?
Whitney: Like in a drink?
Susan: I think so.
Whitney: Why?
Susan: That was her name.
Whitney: Well that just doesn't make any sense. Her name is JoAnne Reed.
Susan: I told Gary that and he said her real name is Backwash. I've never heard of a name like that. Maybe it was her maiden name?
Whitney: I don't think so.
Susan: Gary said, hand-to-God, she goes by Backwash.
Whitney: Hmm.
Susan: Oh. OH!!!
Whitney: OH!!!
P.S. These women were about 80 years old.

I will be on holiday (oh I'm so fancy) from tomorrow through the following Thursday, so if you think I've quit reading your blogs b/c I'm not showing up on the comments, you're right. But it's only temporary. By next Thursday, I'm sure I'll be shaking like leaf out of blog-withdrawal and will commence with my comment-diarrhea.

So, remember that whole thing about posting every single day in June? I'm admitting defeat. I don't have enough ideas to do the whole post-date-posting thing and I think C would kill me if I asked him to drop me off at a Starbucks so I could go post. Have fun at Old Faithful! I'll be here in the booth!

I'm OFF TO MARRY NICOLE!!!! (and Todd) :-)
I'll have MANY photos to share when I return!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Winner by a Helluva Long Nose.... SHOE NUMBER 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congrats, Shoe Number 2--please proceed to the winners' circle where you will be draped with plastic cemetery garland.

And the winner of the Zappos Gift Card is Lynne!!!!!!!
And it's now actually $10 not $5!!! SURPRISE!!! (it's totally because I'm extra generous and not at all because Zappos doesn't offer a GC smaller than $10)

Lynne--please send me an e-mail so I know what e-mail to use as it's where the gift-card will be sent. Also, your full name.

This is quite possibly the world's lamest post as I have so much I'd like to write about but I also have a husband anxious to work on a design project that he's smack dab in the middle of completing. So I must get off the computer.

I have 3 post topic options for tomorrow and if you could, please let me know what you'd like me to write about:

Amtrak I hate you. Die, Amtrak.

Did you know she was a prostitute?

Garage Sales--a.k.a. Selling your soul for a nickel

Monday, June 16, 2008

Did you know that an entire post can be about suspenders?

What the hell.

While stopping for gas at a rural fuel station, a gentleman on the other side of the pump was sporting these fetching suspenders. Is there ever a need for emergency measuring that would necessitate the need to actually wear a yardstick? Maybe if you're at an amusement park and the measurement poll has disappeared-- you can save the day by standing at the entrance to the ride and measure up all the little boys and girls. Actually, scratch that. An old man, taking off his suspenders, consequently causing his pants to fall down and measuring children might not say "Disney" to a lot of parents; rather, it would probably say Prison. I for one don't want to go on rides at Prison Park. Not again, anyways. It's also important to note that these suspenders had miserably failed this man. His hairy butt cheeks were being kissed by the wind, my friends. Forget plumber-crack---this was plumber-canyon. Or maybe plumber-ravine...or plumber-gorge. I would even go so far as to call it plumber-Mesopotamia.

I saw yard-stick man's wife go into the gas station bathroom. It was a large restroom so I didn't have to wait in line. I went on it. She had to have heard me as the door made a slamming noise and I did a territory cough. She was singing. SINGING. It was some unknown, unreal tune that was like a combination of "How Great Though Art" and "The Long and Winding Road"---she kept singing as she peed. As she washed her hands. As she dried her hands under the loudest hand drier known to man. In fact, when the dryer came on, she just sang louder. I think she was a bit north of crazy.

Please Lord, don't let any of my readers own yard-stick suspenders.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Footwear Sundays: Wedding Edition

So Nicole's wedding is next Saturday. And a gal needs to wear shoes at their wedding. Well, at least this one. She is wearing the cutest swingy dress (not to be confused with a dress a swinger would wear) but one that's swooshy. It is tourquoise, white and black, with splashes of lime-y green. It's very Nicole and it's very beautiful. She is wearing silver shoes and has 2 options. I've already placed my vote and she'd like some help from you.

Things she would like you to keep in mind:

1: Ignore the sock lines- I will not have sock lines on my wedding day
2: I'm concerned the criss-crossiness of the one pair is too much for the pattern of the dress
3: I'm concerned the second pair are too shiny and will make me look like wonder woman
4: The taller heal of pair #1 might be problematic for an outdoor wedding, but they make my calves look really good
5: The second pair is more comfortable.



I have placed my vote for shoe #2 as I think they are more conducive to an outdoor wedding and they look good on her feet. They will also look so so good with the dress (I guess you'll have to trust me on this). I've advised her that she can help cut down the wonder woman shiny-ness by rubbing the leather with some translucent face powder. The powder will wipe off easily for when she dresses up as Wonder Woman on their honeymoon. Huzzah!

My reasoning for not going with pair #1 is that I can't get into the thick-strapped sandal-type shoes (not just those--all of them) b/c my grandma used to wear them ALL THE BLOODY TIME so I can't get "orthopedic" out of my head. But please....I could be completely wrong. Cause that's sort of maybe happened before and stuff....

So please place your vote and tell her what you think!
(Incentive: I will draw a name from the votes and the winner will get a $5 gift card to spend on shoes at! Drawing to be done on Tuesday!)

Also, Nic's really good (and gorgeous) friend, Lissa has put up a blog for the wedding. You should go check it out! Tell her I sent ya :-)

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Bacon-Wrapped Shrimp (best post title ever, I swear)

The tour of gluttony that was my birthday meal is still with me today. Hence the neglected button on my jeans. It was totally worth it. My mom turned out my new favorite meal. I've asked her to conjure up a repeat performance for Christmas. I'm pretty sure I was the quietest I've been during a meal in a long time. Well, besides doing the annoying "mmmMMMmmmmohthisissogood" thing.

I didn't have our camera, so I was using one I wasn't used to (terrible excuse)---unfortunately, I didn't get a good photo of the end result, but I'm hoping that you can envision the bacony-shrimpified goodness of this meal. The coup de gras was the jalapeno cream sauce that we dipped the shrimp into prior to inhaling them. And the salsa! And the tortilla chips from a local eatery.....this made me very happiful (hybrid of happy and freaking full).

To end the meal, we went with something "LIGHT"--an Angel Food Cake. Smothered in 57 pounds of frosting. Dear Lord, Thank you for inventing Sugar. Amen

Tomorrow, I will post about Garage Sale '08. Be warned, it will include bitching. But I'll try to be funny about it. Maybe I'll include more bacon photos just for fun. Because nothing says garage sale like Bacon Photos.

Friday, June 13, 2008

It's My Birthday and I'll post if I want to, post if I want to, post if I want to! would post too if you turned 31 on Friday the 13th, too! Dah!dadada-dah! (I love that song.) Maybe I'll incorporate it into the rest of the year as well. Example: It is Fri-day, I'll drink boxed-wine if I want to! Such a versatile song.
Thank you ALL for your kind thoughts and words. Your comments really and truly did make me feel better. There's something about a female online community of friends that just works. I'm very thankful for your comments--so a heartfelt thank you to you all. I really think I love you guys :) In a non-lesbian sort of way. Not that there's a damn thing wrong with that. Just sayin'.... :o) May happiness prevail...
Okay then. Onto the usual snark.
Yours truly turned 31 today---on Friday the 13th, no less. I'm visiting my parents so I am away from C on this auspicious occasion. As per usual, he still made it special. If there's one thing that C does in a perfect way, it's gift-giving, special occasion recognizing and all-around romantic gestureness (totally a word). I guess that's three things. One thing I don't do perfectly is math.
What did he do? Firstly, he mailed my birthday gift to my parents and called my mom to make sure that I didn't lay a finger on the package until my birthday. He knows me.
He asked me to call him at midnight on the 13th so I could open everything with him on the phone. And oh my gosh OHMIGOSH!!!!!!!! He gave me four things: all numbered in the order in which I was to unwrap them.
Do you see that CD? Serj Tankian is so dang talented, I can't get over it. And he speaks/sings his mind on all things political--I truly admire him. He opened up for the Foo Fighters at the concert C & I went to this past winter and he blew my mind.

I still can't believe it...

Nigella Lawson is hands-down, my most favorite cook. Her personality, sense of kitchen-adventureness, cookbooks, writing talent and absolute humbleness make her someone to admire. Just a warning, I'm about to name-drop....C happens to know Kevin Smith's wife, Jen and asked her if she knew who represented Nigella, stateside, to see if she could "pull-some-strings" and get a signed cookbook. Alas, it didn't seem meant-to-be to get it through her agent as Jen couldn't get in contact with them. (So I guess I didn't really need to tell you that part of the story, but I think it's so cool that C knows her, so please forgive my terribly obvious/unnecessary brush-with-celebrity story.) C ended up getting in contact with some lovely folks who were able to get a book to Nigella to sign (she was on Holiday---I LOVE that word---so much nicer than the ugly, Va-cay). And she did! And she also tossed in a signed photo! That baby's getting framed and put on the wall in my kitchen.

And what else did he do???????????????????????

He Purchased:

He said, "Because I believe in you." He's a graphic designer and said he will work with me to completely design the site/content---everything. The whole she-bang. He put up a lovely splash page to hold it until we get everything together.

It's going to take a bit, but I'm going to put my all into it. And I've talked him into blogging off of it, too. He's such a fabulous writer that this just makes it even more perfect. We can do this together.

Stay tuned for more on this. I'm sure I'll do a totally subtle post when I move over there. Ya know, really low key and totally not UPPER-CASED at all :) Don't worry, even when I go non-blog spot, I'll stay as self-deprecating and sarcastic as always. I just cannot wait!!
So again, thank you MUCHLY for all of your kind words left yesterday--they really helped me get through it all.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

This one's for Lucy.


We had to put our dog, Lucy, down. She was 14 and the most incredible dog you can imagine. She was wonderful. I'm really going to miss her. Today, we brought her ashes home and they sent this poem along.


As much as I loved the life we had and all the times we played,

I was so very tired and knew my time on earth would fade.

I saw a wonderous image then of a place that's trouble-free

Where all of us can meet again to spend eternity.

I saw the most beautiful Rainbow, and on the other side

Were meadows rich and beautiful--lush and green and wide!

And running through the meadows as far as the eye could see

Were animals of every sort as healthy as could be!

My own tired, failing body was fresh and healed and new

And I wanted to go run with them, but I had something left to do.

I needed to reach out to you, to tell you I'm alright

This place is truly wonderful, then a bright Glow pierced the night.

'Twas the Glow of many Candles shining bright and strong and bold

And I knew then that it held your love in its brilliant shades of gold.

For although we may not be together in the way we used to be

We are still connected by a cord no eye can see.

So whenever you need to find me, we're never far apart

If you look beyond the Rainbow and listen with your heart.

I will never forget you.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

If this is "Wordless Wednesday," is it totally wrong to say, "Hey! No Talking!! Just a picture!" Maybe I'm completely missing the point?

Semi Wordless Wednesday
I cannot shut up my keyboard.

Oh Hai! I is Fidgy!

I has extra toes. I has 26 at last counts.

I has been known to suck my thumbs. All fours of them!

Sometimes I has issues with my extra piggies so I has to sport dis damn cone.

I is used to damn cone now. See?

I likes to lay on my backs so I can sees you better.

But thens I fall asleep.

I hates you, damn cone.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

And then I sprayed my hair PINK....that it all.

First things first:

Firstly, please check out your fellow bloggers and see their answers for the assigned MEME. All of them scored A pluses. Am I alone in being unable to think of "A+" without thinking of Ralphie's teachers going, "A++, ++, ++, ++, ++, ++, ++!"? Didn't think so.

Visit: Sra, Meg and Natalie to see their MEME's. I've made their names into links to their websites, as I am technologically savvy to the 9th power. Please note that Iliana and Hillary are tardy in their posts and will be serving detention for at least a week. But actually, Hillary has blogged about her puppy, Stella who is all kinds of cute and Iliana has blogged about a sweet little girl named Ella. Equally (and actually MORE than) important, so please give them a read :)

Also, Sra was the winner of one of the prizes from the giveaway, and she SENT ME A THANK YOU NOTE ON AN ART-Y POST CARD. How great is she? Honestly, I sure hope she goes to Blogher '09 because I'd love to meet her. Please note that I'm working with Penzey's spices to get the vanilla beans to the STILL NEEDS TO ANSWER HER MEME HILLARY in Canada---I had no idea how fussy they were! No pressure. And the lovely Bridge should have her book before she leaves for Europe. I hope. I sent it via my outbox at work, so there's a little finger-crossing involved.

Onto the title.

I wasn't kidding. I sprayed my hair pink.

At a company function.

After playing Guitar Hero.

I hope it washes out.

Shit. Does it wash out? I'm going to my parents' house this weekend. Shit. Shit!

Monday, June 9, 2008

For all the Moms who read this non-Mom Blog--here is some guidance. Nearly wet myself. Hope you do, too!

Installment #1
Almost like blogging, but not really.

In an uncharacteristic move, the long-winded Over-Thinker stopped writing, and simply let the pictures do the talking.

Now I have two questions:
1. Did you almost pee your pants?
2. What "wrong" is your favorite?
(mine is "Making Baby Smile")