Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Remind me to tell you about my accidental enthusiasm about a Strip Club...

Why do I neglect my blog? It's very well-behaved and rarely begs for food...I'm a terrible blog-mom.

I'm waiting for a group called HABB (Humans Against Bad Blogging) to do a PSA where they show a screen shot of my blog in the background, focusing in on the last post date. Then a voice says, "Each day, millions of blogs are neglected. And for the price of a box of hypothetical matches, you can make a difference by lighting a fire under a lazy bloggers ass. Each month, we will send you an updated photo of a lazy blogger under whose ass you've lit a fire."

Enough about my blog---let's focus on ME!

I HAVE HUGE NEWS!

Tomorrow, around this time, I will be in the actual physical presence of a fellow blogger. For real. One of my mostest favoritest bloggers, Miss Loralee, is visiting her brother in Minnesota and we're going to meet up! At the risk of sounding like an idiot, I feel like I'm meeting a celebrity. Have you been to her blog? You need to go. Now. She's so witty and fabulous and she makes me laugh until I cry. And I'll bet 100 Diet Cokes that she's even funnier in person. And don't think I'm too cool to ask for her autograph. I'll do it, people. I will.

I haven't been too much fun lately. In fact, I've been quite lame. And to anyone who's reading this that thought, "What's new?" I say, "Shut up, Husband." I kid. I love him. (P.S. He's as lame as I am) :) Work has been nuts and after work has been nuts and our kittens have decided to be assholes. All in all, a truly fabulous past 2 weeks. When I haven't been busy cleaning up sugar off the kitchen floor (thanks to our cat Abe, who lovingly shoved the CERAMIC SUGAR CANISTER OFF THE TOP OF THE FRIDGE) or cat vomit (thanks to our other cat, Fidgy who manages to hork up something magical each day on the one carpeted or upholstered area in the vicinity of her food bowl), I've been working and sleeping.

Dear Swiffer, You need to come out with "Cat Done Messed Up Yer Life" clean-up pads because the "ones with ridges" aren't cutting the mustard. Love, Me.

Let Me Introduce you to:

THE PUKER

and


TROUBLE

Enough about Fidgit and Abe........(and I need to stop thinking about Abe because I'm still super ticked off that our socks are sticking to the kitchen floor)

Back to meeting up with Loralee. Via e-mail, I told her I hoped she was having a grand time in the hotbed of activity that is the suburban area of the metro. I warned her to take it in slowly and to plan on going through a Minnesota-Detox before she leaves. This is where we'll remove all of the casserolin' and over-annunciatin' from her system. I requested that she take all of the "Oh Yahs" with her as we have all that we need. And if I have any Minnesotan/Midwest readers, I'd bet a Twin's Center-Fielder that you know what I mean by all that.

Being that Loralee isn't from the area, I thought, Hey! I'll pick out a fun place to go for drinks and appetizers! See, the thing about living in the Minneapolis area is this: There is SO much to do, SO many places to go/eat, that when you have the task of picking a place, you go blank. What does a "blank girl" do? CITY SEARCH!!!! Yeahno, emphasis on the no. I ran a city-search for the area where she's staying and thought I found a pretty cool place to go. I consulted with my co-worker who looked at the web page I had on my screen and she said, "Um, Over-Thinker, that's a strip club." A strip club. Wouldn't that have made a fabulous first impression!? Welcome to Minnesota, Loralee! Hope you brought a lot of one dollar bills!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

MeMe? Why thank you--don't mind if I do!

It's all about ME to the 2nd power!!! (because I can't get blogger to do the "squared" "2") And yes, I'm aware I look like a prissy-pants Kellie-Martin, circa Life Goes On in this picture. See?


But she really did play a good prissy-pants.

I've been meme'd for the first time! I need to stop humming Madonna, because that seems creepy. Hillary over at 2 L's Please has tagged me and I'm going to fulfill my duty.



1. What prompted you to start blogging?
At first, I wanted to use it as a journal. But my life is a bit boring and I didn't like the idea of posting things like: "I couldn't find my good bra so I'm wearing the hurt-y bra today. Where are my keys? I like cookies." So, I decided to be the public (yet semi-pretty-much-anonymous) smart ass that I've dreamed of being since I was about 10.

2. Have you ever been the victim of a crime?
Yes. Dane Cook stole one hour of my life while I watched his Comedy Central Special. Also, someone stole 4 tickets for "A Christmas Carol" from my desk last December. A cop came to my workplace and I had to fill out a statement and everything. It was very CSI. But, I'm pretty sure stolen theater tickets are the opposite of a triple homicide.

3. Have you ever witnessed someone else being the victim of a crime?
Yup. I was in New York City for a show-choir competition (because I'm SO METAL) and I was looking out the hotel window and I saw a guy snatch a woman's purse.

4. What is your favorite color? Why?
It depends on what it's for. I like the color Periwinkle, because it's fun to say. I love to wear red and black (not at the same time). I like the look of celedon-green (or what my husband lovingly refers to as puke-green) and white for room colors. I like pink cupcakes. I really like deep plum for nail polish (except for when I paint my nails black for when I rock-out at Show Choir Competitions).

5. What talent or skill would you most like to have, that you feel you don't have?
The ability to post each day. How the heck do some of you people do it?? I have to be in the mood. I could probably manage a daily, bullet-pointed post of what I ate during the past 24 hours, but I'll spare you. Unless it was like Sweet-Fancy-Moses (thanks again Meg) good.

6. If you could go back and do one thing over in your life, what would it be? Would you make a change, or do everything exactly the same?

I'd make sure to choose and stick with (important!) a major in college.

Eleventy-hundred-eighty credits and seven and a half years later, making the rounds of my home state's university system and my name on ONE bachelor's degree to show for it? Priceless. (Please note that financial-aid defines priceless as "still having a balance of many dollars")


7. What do you consider your most attractive asset? (Hair, legs, smile, etc.)
My eyes and not my butt.

8. When do you feel the most vulnerable?
In all seriousness, right after I hit "Publish Post"--I get a bit panicky.

9. If you were a rap star, what would your stage name be?
O-zizzle Thinkizzle, and I would spell it out in Chuck E Cheese coins so they would know I have street cred (please ignore previous references to something called a show choir)

10. What is your favorite curse word?
New Swear Words
I'm going to have to go with #2 in combination with the "watching-you" hand gesture.

Use it in a sentence and tag five other bloggers you'd like to answer the same questions:
I'm going to be a rebel and not tag anyone. Not for any other reason besides the people I would tag have already been tagged or they've said something like I hate being meme'd with the power of a thousand burning suns. But I still need to use the word in a sentence....hmm...how about, I have a tendency to watch my comment-counter like a S***-Hawk. I'm a very boring S***-Hawk.

To encourage commenter interaction, how about you all share your favorite book or play. Oh I'm kidding....ohh I've got it:
What is something you really like, but you lie about liking, and instead say you like something else, just so people won't think you're weird? (I've inserted commas so your eyes can uncross.)

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Sucking in Public

Can I just say..."BRING IT ON DISGUSTING GOOGLE SEARCHES"...Man, those people are going to be so disappointed.

I met two co-workers for drinks last Friday at a restaurant near work. This restaurant shares a parking lot with a video rental store. And like curbs in front of Subway restaurants and cement stairs in front of Public Libraries, skateboarders just seem to gravitate toward video rental joints.

Hellooooo, McFly!

On the way into the restaurant, I walked past 3 young guys attempting to out-jump (out-show-off) the other on the curb in front of the rental return-box. Each of them totally biff'd what I'm guessing was an attempt at a Triple Lindy on wheels. And holy crap, they biff'd in huge ways: Falling on their asses, faces, elbows, etc. and each time they just bounced right up, hitching up their GIGUNDO pants in one swift movement. They were not fazed by the number of people they were failing in front of in the parking lot. And they really sucked. In fact, there's a good chance that yours truly could have done better (and I run into the grass to "brake" when roller-blading).

It just sort of blew my mind. Here I am, utterly embarrassed to do most things in public, even the things that I'm good at, and here are 3 morons, each sucking the big one, in front of everyone. I guess if it were me, I would go practice my baggy-jean-barely-covered-butt off, honing my skateboarding skills on some deserted tennis court before I would take my mad skillz public at the local Hollywood Video. Or maybe it's just me.

I don't think I've ever seen people do something so poorly in public. And it's not limited to these three guys. I don't think I've once, in person, seen a good skateboarder. They all really stink. And don't they have curbs in front of their houses? Why not practice there 1st? I mean, curbs in neighborhoods aren't hard to come by are they? What happened to hanging out at the playground or the park? **Shakes fists at pesky kids**

Is it just me? Have you seen the anomaly that is a good public skateboarder? And I'm not even going to broach the subject of shitty snow-boarders. I have enough material on that for a separate post.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Don't Hate ME Because I'm Beautiful--Kelly LeBrock, stay on your side of the fence and go mow your GREENER grass.

Do you remember that commercial? Nothing like a freshly hot-rolled coif from the 1980's to get you thinking about healthy hair. Here's a link...you know, just in case you've got a hankering for some 80's narcissism (the best kind).

My hair is not hot rolled, nor is it beautiful. Hey, maybe that's the golden-ticket. Where can I find myself some velvet-wrapped rollers? Or maybe I should go for broke and get the plastic ones with teeth?

I have hair that is naturally extra wavy--not quite:

(But give me some humidity and it would be close)

But closer to:

(I'd bet she'd be happier if she wasn't embossed with a watermark)


Sometimes I'd like to just shave it off and be done with it, but I've bopped my head a few times and don't think I could pull off a hairless head. I'm thinking there are a few depressions in my skull that would need a fair amount of Spackle to be evened out. Thanks 7th grade dodge ball.

See, here's the problem: My hair is very fine---not luxurious and wavy. Thin and super-wavy. When I flat-iron my hair (which I hate doing but know that it's pretty much the only way to make it look "nice") a co-worker once said, "You have such nice, thick hair." I told her I didn't and she argued. Finally, I gathered ALL of my hair in the back, like a pony tail and told her to grab it. She did and said, "Omigod." Yeah, I won that argument.

I suppose the point I'm making is: The Grass is Always Greener, right?
  • Gals that have thick hair get it "thinned" when they have it cut so it's not so heavy.
  • Jessica Simpson doesn't stick with her silky, long blonde hair, she has to make it LONGER and SILKIER. With hair-extensions (made from Ken Paves' head no less, I'm sure).
  • Gals (like myself) with curly/wavy hair straighten it within an inch of its life
  • Girls with stick-straight hair get perms. PERMS!!!!!!!!!!!
So I just thought of something semi-ironic (Is it irony? I always get irony and coincidence screwed up--I'm going to go with irony.):

When I was young, I had VERY very VERY straight hair. Long-to-my-butt straight hair. It was quite Little-House-On-the-Prairie lovely. So, in 4th grade, what did I do? But I asked my mom to let me get a perm. A perm. Not just a curly perm, but a SPIRAL perm. I wish I had a photo of this to scan in, but I'm going to have to find a Google-image to post so I can illustrate the horror that was my hair in 1985. But first, a little description of the process--and trust me, I'm pretty sure I have this correct:


  1. Wet hair with scalding hot water.
  2. Using one hundred eleventy-nine pieces of tissue paper, eleventy-nine rods and approximately the same number of pink rubber bands, roll hair so it's so tight that the client cannot blink and so the first 4 rows of her hair follicles have been ripped out (less for the chemicals to burn off, I suppose).
  3. Make sure you leave 10-15 pieces of hair not wrapped in the curling rods so they can be the bane of the perms existence, necessitating the further use of a curling iron each morning.
  4. Now, wrap a thin wad of cotton around the client's hairline, making sure to not tuck it too snuggly around her ears so that some of the perm solution can drip into her ear canal and burn.
  5. The most important step: Pour 3 gallons of a 50/50 solution of gasoline and formaldehyde over the client's hair. Tell her that "it may sting a little bit" and divert her attention from the hair that is now smoking by placing a 2-year-old Seventeen magazine in her wet lap.
2 hours later--Ta-DA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(If I remember correctly, because I NEVER embellish, I think my hair was a combination of these lovely do's. (or don'ts))

I think the best part of this little flashback is realizing that I didn't get a spiral perm just once; oh no no no, I had it done once a year until high school.

Hmmm....

Maybe that's why I have about 12 hairs left to my name. Or maybe it's just my destiny.

So, what has been your most horrible hairstyle? Make sure to be very descriptive so I make fun of you in my head with accuracy :-)





Thursday, April 3, 2008

This is the part where Angella said, Would you like some free chocolate? and where I was like, well duh.

I should have titled this post, The Art of Over-Linking in Action, but I decided to go with a long-winded number. Shocker.

Firstly, do you like chocolate? Secondly, do you like Canadian chocolate? If you answered yes to the first question but no to the second one, thank you for your time, you may leave. If you answered yes to both questions, visit Angella's site and leave this lovely lady a comment. Once you do, she'll pop your name into a top hat and have her wonderful assistant...ahem, I mean husband...Matthew draw out a winner. Angella, can you have Matthew draw the winner? I don't want to be accused of lying to my readers. Thank you :-). And you could be that winner! And you could totally say, "Oh no, Angella, I must decline--you can give my chocolaty, Canadian winnings to The Over-Thinker!"

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Now it's Time to Get Fancy--We're Going to an Awards Show!

I'm on the left.


I've been meaning to post about this for a few days, but I'm really shy and don't like to toot my horn....IWONANAWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of my most favoritest bloggers, Hillary (with 2 L's please) gave some of her favoUrite (for the Canadians) bloggers this award and I was one of them!



I can't tell you how great this makes me feel--seriously, when your writing is validated by a fellow blogger, it's like getting a scratch-n-sniff sticker on the top of your spelling test! So make sure to check out the more mature, better written, Canadian version of my sense of humor complete with the same opinions but blogged about in a much classier way. Tell her I sent ya!

Oh, and again, I'm such a shy, modest person, I almost didn't mention....IWONANOTHERAWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peep of the Week

I am officially a "Peep"---I know, I'm such a gangsta. In fact, here's a gangsta-joke. Didn't know they made them, did ya?

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella? Fodrizzle*

I was crowned Peep of the Week over at Witchypoo's Blog (she's also known as Psychic Geek). She is so wonderfully funny and genuine and her posts just make my day. Please go visit her and leave her a sweet comment or 5. She's a bona fide psychic so she can totally tell me (or you!) how awesome I think I am!

Moral of this post? Giving me an award will get the giver a free ad in the shape of a post.


*I am notorious for totally screwing up jokes. My husband told me this one and made me practice numerous times before I could "take it public"--apparently the practice didn't pay off because the first time I told it, I gave the punchline: "It's For the Drizzle"---could I be any more white? And any less-Snoop?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The Ghosts of April Fools Past

I made it through the day and I didn't get fooled once! But I did fall down in the hallway. So maybe I was April-Fooled by Janitor-With-Penchant-For-Over-Waxing.

In my past, I've been known to be both the Fool and the Foolee. Being the Fool has its advantages. And by advantages, I mean payback potential.

As a youngster, I worked as a checker in a small grocery store. MANY April Fools' jokes were played at that joint. I've decided to share with you some fond memories of April Fooling Around at the Neighborhood Grocery.

Shake Your Love
A new guy had the unfortunate luck of having his 1st day fall on April Fools. Being the kind-hearted person that I am, I told the new bagger that he had to go to the condiment aisle and shake up the Italian Salad Dressings 4 times an hour so the particulates wouldn't settle. He did it. For his entire shift. He caught on the next day when the manager asked what he was doing...(I might have got in a bit of trouble for that...)

Lite-Brite
It's kind of fun doing these stupid titles.

At the same grocery store, on a different April 1st, I told a semi-new kid that, at the end of his closing shift, he had to unscrew the fluorescent bulbs above the apples in the produce section because the light would dull their red skin. This joke backfired on me because HE ACTUALLY DID IT. I wasn't there to see it, but on the second bulb he tried to unscrew, he turned it in the wrong direction and glass shattered all over the apples. We had to throw all of them away. He was a good sport (and totally not a snitch)--we agreed to tell the managers that the bulb had burst on its own, and being the responsible employees that we were, we made the decision to throw all of the apples away.
and just so you don't think I wasn't at the receiving end...

(Nicole, I can't believe I'm doing this.)

So. This didn't happen on April Fools, but it may as well have:

Knock on Wood
I am gullible. Very. Gullible. Let me just put that out there.

I was at a friend's house, hanging out with a group of guys and girls that I'd known since I was about 5 years old. We were watching the Winter Olympics. The Figure Skating Competition had just started and Michelle Kwan was performing. I said something to the effect of "Wow--she is SO good." The following exchange happened between me and my friends (jerks)

Pete: Yeah, she's really great--especially when you take her leg into account.
Me: Why?
Pete: Well, it's made of wood.
Me: Are you serious?
Pete and Jerks: Duh! Didn't you know that? That's one of the reasons she's so famous.
Me: Wow! You totally can't tell!
Jerk Factory: It's really life-like, isn't it?

Of course, it didn't end there.

....About 3 days later....

New Friend of Ours, Not Privy to Previous Conversation: Michelle Kwan totally deserved the Gold.
Me: I know! Especially with that wooden leg!
Non-Jerk: What?
Me: Well, she has a wooden leg--but it's a special one because she can still skate.
Non-Jerk: Who told you that?
(I turn around to see the Jerks are DYING of laughter.)

I STILL blush thinking about that. Later, at college, I told a friend about this. For graduation, he gave me a mannequin leg with a spangled garter. The leg was signed:

"Thanks for all of the support--I can use it. What with this wooden leg and all. Much Love, Michelle Kwan"

I hope you all had a relatively uneventful April Fools...and in summation:


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OLYMPIC GOLD