I am an IDIOT & Automatic Flushing Toilets: Machines of the Devil

It's a well-known fact that I can craft an entire post based upon completely stupid topics. Does anyone remember the Yard Stick Suspenders? Really--I now own 6 pairs. DAMMIT. I should have made a pair of 'em yesterday's give-away. Poop---well, maybe next time.

Anywhoooo...moving on...

Not. So. Much.

Part I

Mortification Complete

So, on Thursday, I was walking down the incredibly long hallway at my workplace, on my way to the restroom. In this long hallway, there are MANY bathrooms. The first one is about 20 paces from my office door. I apparently miscounted my paces (ya know, cause I was busy doing the hallway-hello) and....I entered the Men's Bathroom. NOT COOL.

This hallway is very busy--in fact, it's called "The Main Stem." MUCH traffic. MANY witnesses. NO WAY IN HELL to back out of that little slice of awkward. AND I actually walked like FIVE steps into the bathroom---the door almost shut all the way before I realized where I was!

And the Y-Chromosome'd Cherry on Top of that Bathroom Sundae? I literally walked into a guy on his way out of the bathroom!! I think the mini-girl screams we each let out brought more attention to my little faux pas. Now, if I would've exited the men's room to some laughter & "way-to-go applause," I would've been fine with that. But no. NO ONE WOULD LOOK AT ME AND THEY TOTALLY RAN AWAY FROM ME (hopefully not in the direction of HR).

Part II Salt (Toilet Water) in the Wound

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch (the CORRECTLY-SEX'D BATHROOM)....I decided I needed a bit of pampering, so I chose the Handicap Stall...hey, a girl needs some room to pace in private after she performs an unintentional act of sexual harassment. When I finally calmed down, I realized that I still had to "go" so I took a seat. And, before I was "done," the toilet flushed! Sonofa!! Come ON! I was NOT planning on a SURPRISE BIDET! So, now my butt's all wet with God knows what liquid-germiness. And it's not like I could hop up in the air, away from the Flush (I was still peeing!!).

Nooooo....I had to sit there, getting "watered" by Old Urine Faithful! Normally, this type of situation would freak me out to the point of rocking back and forth and going to a "happy place," but for some reason, I was really pissed off (no freaking pun intended). So, I cleaned up as much as I could and went back to my office. Being all OCD, I have a huge tub of Clorox Wipes at my desk. YES I DID. I HAD NO CHOICE!!!!! Don't think they'll be putting that on their commercials anytime soon. Don't think I'll be sitting down to pee anytime soon. Welcome to Hover-Town.