Friday, November 7, 2008

I am an IDIOT & Automatic Flushing Toilets: Machines of the Devil

It's a well-known fact that I can craft an entire post based upon completely stupid topics. Does anyone remember the Yard Stick Suspenders? Really--I now own 6 pairs. DAMMIT. I should have made a pair of 'em yesterday's give-away. Poop---well, maybe next time.

Anywhoooo...moving on...

Not. So. Much.

Part I
Mortification Complete

So, on Thursday, I was walking down the incredibly long hallway at my workplace, on my way to the restroom. In this long hallway, there are MANY bathrooms. The first one is about 20 paces from my office door. I apparently miscounted my paces (ya know, cause I was busy doing the hallway-hello) and....I entered the Men's Bathroom. NOT COOL.

This hallway is very busy--in fact, it's called "The Main Stem." MUCH traffic. MANY witnesses. NO WAY IN HELL to back out of that little slice of awkward. AND I actually walked like FIVE steps into the bathroom---the door almost shut all the way before I realized where I was!

And the Y-Chromosome'd Cherry on Top of that Bathroom Sundae? I literally walked into a guy on his way out of the bathroom!! I think the mini-girl screams we each let out brought more attention to my little faux pas. Now, if I would've exited the men's room to some laughter & "way-to-go applause," I would've been fine with that. But no. NO ONE WOULD LOOK AT ME AND THEY TOTALLY RAN AWAY FROM ME (hopefully not in the direction of HR).

Part II
Salt (Toilet Water) in the Wound

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch (the CORRECTLY-SEX'D BATHROOM)....I decided I needed a bit of pampering, so I chose the Handicap Stall...hey, a girl needs some room to pace in private after she performs an unintentional act of sexual harassment. When I finally calmed down, I realized that I still had to "go" so I took a seat. And, before I was "done," the toilet flushed! Sonofa!! Come ON! I was NOT planning on a SURPRISE BIDET! So, now my butt's all wet with God knows what liquid-germiness. And it's not like I could hop up in the air, away from the Flush (I was still peeing!!).

Nooooo....I had to sit there, getting "watered" by Old Urine Faithful! Normally, this type of situation would freak me out to the point of rocking back and forth and going to a "happy place," but for some reason, I was really pissed off (no freaking pun intended). So, I cleaned up as much as I could and went back to my office. Being all OCD, I have a huge tub of Clorox Wipes at my desk. YES I DID. I HAD NO CHOICE!!!!! Don't think they'll be putting that on their commercials anytime soon. Don't think I'll be sitting down to pee anytime soon. Welcome to Hover-Town.


Ilina said...

Awww....that's nasty. What's up with the automatic flush? Shouldn't it have a sensor or something?

The Over-Thinker said...

Ilina: It does--but it constantly malfunctions. Hence, the hover. Must be on-guard to move at a moment's notice. One must go into Jedi-Mode to pee at my work.

TMC said...

Belatedly, and from across the miles, following your graceful exit from the men's room: *claps wildly & inappropriately loud* WOOO HOOO!!! HOOOOOOHOOOOOO!! LOL!

The Over-Thinker said...

TMC: I am totally taking a belated bow right now...and actually tearing-up a bit.

smalltownmom said...

I popped over here from Memarie Lane to read your urine post. Even though the CommentLuv didn't work.

Why do the toilets decide to flush when you are sitting on them, but not when you get off? I am always having to search for that tiny manual flush button.

Oh, those wipes sound harsh. I feel for you.

Terra said...

OMG - my three year old HATES those autoflushers...wont go, wont think about going for that very reason. Embarrased the daylights out of me at a broadway play screaming and screaming and went the whole night 4 hours without going. So sorry about your flusher!


Sparkliesunshine said...

Oh that sucks! Boo to the people outside for making it that much more awkward too.

At school in the women's center the toilet completely sprays while it flushes. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten some toilet water on my leg. *shudder* I am so with you on the clorox wipes!

Meg said...

OMG my captcha is LESSESPI

Les's pee!!!!

I almost always hover. Except at home.

Hillary said...

I think that instead of backing out of the men's washroom, you should have just owned it. You should have sauntered up to the nearest urinal and did your thang, If anyone looked at you funny, gesture rudely in their direction and say "Yeah? Do something."

Ree said...

I'll never forget walking into the woman's bathroom at work and seeing a man shaving at the sink.

I don't know who was more confused - me or him.

Angella said...

I am so grossed out on your behalf. Excuse me while I go wash my hands.

monstergirlee said...

ooohhh!!! yukky!
I hate autoflushers - they scared the heck out of my barely potty-trained son and he refused to go anywhere near a public toilet for many months. It was tough.

friyet said...

i didn't make this up, i read it somewhere, but if you take some gum and a piece of paper and stick it over the light sensor the toilet [hopefully] will not flush... my work has some toilets that are auto and some that are retro.... i sometimes go to the one closest to my office and then get up and stand there and wait for it to flush [it's one of the retro ones] duh! i hope the clorox wipe didn't cause chafing!

Sra said...

Ha ha ha, I've had the auto toilets flush on me whilst I was still on the pot before too. It sucks! I guess if you lean forward they think you've stood up and they flush. So I have to concentrate on being still on auto toilets, and that is hard for me. I'm a wiggly pee-er I guess.

I don't get why the girls/boys bathroom is such a big deal. One bathroom for all!

Sassy Britches said...

I hate to disappoint everyone, but the auto flusher does its thing EVEN IF YOU HOVER! (Unless, you're completely still like Sra says). Either way, it makes me want to poke my eyes out.