Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Slow Talkers, Public Sexified Gluttony & When Things go South and your Butt Crack Becomes a "Y"

(For those wondering why the hell I have that photo up there...click here)

30 posts in 30 days!!!!!!!!!

(Now I'm pretty sure it's going to be my blog's "time of the month" so it will need to call-in for a few days...)

Well Holy Shite....I freakin' made it. Such a feat, I know. I've just accomplished what most bloggers do each month. Here, I'm acting like I need to pull a "celebrity" and check into some place for treatment of "exhaustion." Still, that doesn't sound half bad.

Onto the exciting stuff...

The winner of the Hair Pageant!
...with 30% of the votes, is NATALIE & PUPPY!!

Natalie, continuing with my blog's theme of ZERO CONTINUITY,
you have won a recipe deck for Tapas!
Nothing says Yarn Hair like Spanish Cooking!!!

Shoot me an e-mail at:
theartofoverthinking AT gmail DOT com

..and let me know where to send it!

Onto what the title promised:
First off, to qualify this a bit, you must know that I'm a people watcher. Moreover, a people gawker. If you go anywhere with me, there's an exceptional chance that I'll lean over to you once or 65 times during the course of the outing to comment-whisper on something someone said, is wearing, etc. My husband is lucky.

Slow Talkers
At the game on Sunday, we sat in the "cheap seats." What these seats should really be called is: Have fun sitting around the MoFo Dingalings! C and I sat in front of these 2 sisters who had like 3 conversations for the DURATION of the game. They were slow-talkers. Like just a beat too slow. That speed just below acceptable where you want to make the "get on with it" hand gesture. The 3 topics that took 9 innings to cover were:

(say each of these things about 30 times at 1/2 the speed
of normal speech & you'll feel my pain
  • Mom is so tricky! She said she's not watching the game at home but I just called her and I can tell she's watching the game at home!
  • Did you get a hot dog? I was going to get a hot dog. Are you going to get a hot dog? I'm going to go get a hot dog. Did you decide if you wanted a hot dog?
  • I think it would be fun to have our birthday parties here. We could bring everyone here and we could watch the game. Do you think we should have our birthday party here? What's the score? Are they going to be in the play-offs? Is your birthday on a Sunday next year? I really like this hot dog!

Public Sexified Gluttony
So, the slow-talking was going on behind us. Directly in front of us was this large couple. This couple was wearing matching jerseys. Let me just say that I, too, have a few pounds to lose, but if there's anything I know, it's that you don't need to LOOK your weight--dress appropriately and hold yourself in a way that allows your weight to fall under the radar. That said, jersey-like/mesh material and low-riders do not bode well for those that are trying to fly under said radar.

Okay, so, about every 20 minutes, the guy would get up, go to the snack bar and return with something to eat. And then he would FEED IT TO HIS WIFE. And she would open her mouth wide and close her eyes like she was Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. She was no Kim Basinger. Also, she usually had some food dredges remaining in her teeth from his last trek to the snack bar, so she shared that with everyone as well. PUKE. By the end of the game, they had consumed (this is NOT an exagerration):
  • 2 large "dome" dogs
  • 2 smaller hot dogs
  • 1 large popcorn
  • 1 bag of cotton candy (this one was hideous to watch)
  • 1 bag of peanuts in the shell
  • 2 large sodas
  • 1 bag of chips
  • 1 malted ice cream cup
  • 1 mini-baseball hat of frozen yogurt
  • 1 tray of nachos
When Things go South and Your Butt Crack Becomes a "Y"
This was achieved by the above couple. I need to give C credit for pointing it out to me. Or, maybe I'll hate him forever for placing this descriptor into my brain, burning it there for all of eternity. It is achieved when your butt cheeks are so huge and your pants are so tight and low cut that your buns try to make a run for the border. I'm going to have to refer to my photoshop skillz on this one:

Normal Butt

Going South and Visiting the "Y"
Sort of looks like boobs.

On THAT note! I've made it! I'm done!!
I don't know about you, Jess, but I think I need a mojito.


Meg said...

I thoroughly enjoyed that month of blogging by you :D
Can we go people-watching together? It would be so entertaining!

Bridge said...

That Y thing just made me laugh out loud.

Please keep posting everyday. I just got back from Europe and I need to read your blog!!!!

jess said...


mojitos ALL AROUND. good god we are miracle women.

Natalie said...

wow! i won! and i feel quite stupid, because i don't even understand what i won but no matter. i'm the big winner! hm...recipe deck for tappas...seriously...like a foreign language to me. can you say that in turkish? maybe i'll get it then. evidently my english is a little rusty!

that being said...the butt crack picture just about made me wet myself. hilarious. your photoshop skillz are the bomb!

so do you want a hot dog? i'm thinking about having one. what about you?

william said...

Loved number 9. You looked like you were going to a pageant, but the hairstyle wasn't over the top (we all know some people go crazy with that). I also liked number one, but not as much.
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Rabbi Lars Shalom said...

wierdiest blgo

Hyphen Mama said...

OMG! Slooooow talkers make me insane. I'm a fast talker (I've got a lot to say!), so when people are sloooooooooow talkers, I get antsy and start finishing their sentences for them in the hopes they'll get the message that it's time to speed things up. Useless drivel hot-dog-conversation from the sisters would have put me over the edge.

And reading about the chubby couple in front of you--oh yeah, I threw up a little in my mouth.

Hillary said...

the butt crack pictures gave me so much joy
thank you

Sra said...

The Y Butt crack thing is one of the best things I've ever heard. I'm just glad normal to high waist pants are coming back in style so that it will no longer be normal for me to see ladies' butt cracks. I'm so sick of the coin slot trend. Not that high waist is terribly appealing, but given the choice, I'll take the granny waist any day.

Thomas said...

September for me - 46 posts in 30 days! A new record for me.

zandor said...

Oh my gosh. That food thing? Eww.

mtdewandmilkshakes said...

That was awesome, and I actually got my wife to read a blog because I was laughing that hard. "Y" is forever burned in my brain.

You have now inspired me to write about my night at Olive Garden.

lynne said...

I think you should consider changing careers and becoming an anatomy illustrator. your most recent drawings--completely anatomically correct, I mean, so true-to-life! Couple that with your yarnification skills, and there'll be no stopping you!
Great month of blogs. I hope you keep it up!

monstergirlee said...

Sorry the twinkies lost.
Blogging every day is tough. You did a good job tho, I've enjoyed it.

Ilina said...

I am, um, cracking up! I too am a people watcher. I particularly love airports for that. I look at people and start making up stories about them. This drive Mac Daddy mad.

Sparkliesunshine said...

Hahaha! I too have witnessed the Y many, many times sadly.

I love people watching. It makes Kasey and I feel sooo much more normal.

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured on Five Star Friday:

~m said...

Y crack makes my eyes hurt. And also? the food list. that made my tummy hurt.
These are probably all the reasons I avoid baseball games.
HOWEVA, as tales told by the OT, they are priceless, priceless gems!

Bakin Rapscallion said...

I used to work at peanut-butter test-tasting facility--my testing partner was a slow talker--it made for long days. I was so happy when I left there for a job at the local auction house.

The rear canyon forming a "Y" can be quite unflattering...especially if forms a Y from the Chinese alphabet: 吾艾. Banzai!

All your musings, mojito-worthy, indeed.

matches said...

ooh. i love watching people feed each other exorbitant amounts of food in public settings while making the moans and groans that tell their lover that they love greasy fatty pizza being shoved in their mouth.

You should have stopped them and asked if you could take a picture of such a loving couple feeding each other plump juicy hot dogs.

And then start in a photoshoot snapping a hundred pictures saying things like, 'oh wow. shove it in. beautiful. i love it. lick the muster off her lip. wow.'

oops. i took it to far again didn't i.

matches said...

why don't you write any more? it's been an entire day since you posted anything.



Marissa said...

congratulations! you made it! :-)

Loralee Choate said...


I am going to go off and kick something and swear some more now.


P.S. We'll have to talk some time. There are a WHOOOOLLE bunch of reasons I was gone. (GAH!)

Thomas said...

Where have you gone? I miss the blog.

Hyphen Mama said...


I. Need. Humor.

Loraine said...

Wow. You kinda type like how I think. I try to write it all down, but there's often just too much...

I LOVE your blog!

Memarie Lane said...

where'd ya go, chica?

Nilsa said...

30 posts in 30 days? Really? Yay!

Nate Ring said...

I forget how much i love reading your blog. Sorry for the hugely long absense. I too am a people watcher, thus the degree in psychology :-P.

You should take a trip to Southern Indiana you'd see some terrible things with butt cracks. NASCAR people are the worst. Ocassionally the Y turns into an X leaving you baffled at this display of extreme bastardization of the human body.

friyet said...

i don't know how i missed this one, but it was great... i am here looking for a comment from some guy from NYC that drives a taxi... i think i saw the comment on your site somewhere, do you remember him at all? i am trying to visit 5 new sites a week and his seemed interesting... oh and my word verirication is "sumlefor". maybe sounds like a good name for the Y butt crack?