Monday, April 7, 2008

Don't Hate ME Because I'm Beautiful--Kelly LeBrock, stay on your side of the fence and go mow your GREENER grass.

Do you remember that commercial? Nothing like a freshly hot-rolled coif from the 1980's to get you thinking about healthy hair. Here's a know, just in case you've got a hankering for some 80's narcissism (the best kind).

My hair is not hot rolled, nor is it beautiful. Hey, maybe that's the golden-ticket. Where can I find myself some velvet-wrapped rollers? Or maybe I should go for broke and get the plastic ones with teeth?

I have hair that is naturally extra wavy--not quite:

(But give me some humidity and it would be close)

But closer to:

(I'd bet she'd be happier if she wasn't embossed with a watermark)

Sometimes I'd like to just shave it off and be done with it, but I've bopped my head a few times and don't think I could pull off a hairless head. I'm thinking there are a few depressions in my skull that would need a fair amount of Spackle to be evened out. Thanks 7th grade dodge ball.

See, here's the problem: My hair is very fine---not luxurious and wavy. Thin and super-wavy. When I flat-iron my hair (which I hate doing but know that it's pretty much the only way to make it look "nice") a co-worker once said, "You have such nice, thick hair." I told her I didn't and she argued. Finally, I gathered ALL of my hair in the back, like a pony tail and told her to grab it. She did and said, "Omigod." Yeah, I won that argument.

I suppose the point I'm making is: The Grass is Always Greener, right?
  • Gals that have thick hair get it "thinned" when they have it cut so it's not so heavy.
  • Jessica Simpson doesn't stick with her silky, long blonde hair, she has to make it LONGER and SILKIER. With hair-extensions (made from Ken Paves' head no less, I'm sure).
  • Gals (like myself) with curly/wavy hair straighten it within an inch of its life
  • Girls with stick-straight hair get perms. PERMS!!!!!!!!!!!
So I just thought of something semi-ironic (Is it irony? I always get irony and coincidence screwed up--I'm going to go with irony.):

When I was young, I had VERY very VERY straight hair. Long-to-my-butt straight hair. It was quite Little-House-On-the-Prairie lovely. So, in 4th grade, what did I do? But I asked my mom to let me get a perm. A perm. Not just a curly perm, but a SPIRAL perm. I wish I had a photo of this to scan in, but I'm going to have to find a Google-image to post so I can illustrate the horror that was my hair in 1985. But first, a little description of the process--and trust me, I'm pretty sure I have this correct:

  1. Wet hair with scalding hot water.
  2. Using one hundred eleventy-nine pieces of tissue paper, eleventy-nine rods and approximately the same number of pink rubber bands, roll hair so it's so tight that the client cannot blink and so the first 4 rows of her hair follicles have been ripped out (less for the chemicals to burn off, I suppose).
  3. Make sure you leave 10-15 pieces of hair not wrapped in the curling rods so they can be the bane of the perms existence, necessitating the further use of a curling iron each morning.
  4. Now, wrap a thin wad of cotton around the client's hairline, making sure to not tuck it too snuggly around her ears so that some of the perm solution can drip into her ear canal and burn.
  5. The most important step: Pour 3 gallons of a 50/50 solution of gasoline and formaldehyde over the client's hair. Tell her that "it may sting a little bit" and divert her attention from the hair that is now smoking by placing a 2-year-old Seventeen magazine in her wet lap.
2 hours later--Ta-DA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(If I remember correctly, because I NEVER embellish, I think my hair was a combination of these lovely do's. (or don'ts))

I think the best part of this little flashback is realizing that I didn't get a spiral perm just once; oh no no no, I had it done once a year until high school.


Maybe that's why I have about 12 hairs left to my name. Or maybe it's just my destiny.

So, what has been your most horrible hairstyle? Make sure to be very descriptive so I make fun of you in my head with accuracy :-)


lynne said...

My worst haircut? I've had a few bad ones (some inflicted on myself by myself) but the worst was when I was, thank God, just starting summer vacation (so nobody from school saw) somewhere in high school and I was basically scalped. I have relatively thick dark brown hair but after this haircut, the sides of my scalp were quite visible. Really icky. A few weeks later when I finally got up the courage to venture out in public, I was mistaken for a boy. Not a good time in my life...

The Over-Thinker said...

Lynne: Man (no pun intended)--that would be so rough. Especially it being during your high school years. Thank goodness for summer breaks, right?

Meg said...

I have always had beautiful haircuts!!! Just kidding!
My hair is fairly thick and wavy, but instead of being nice, it's frizzy on top. But I like it poofy, so I'm basically just hooped!

Bridge said...

I will try to get photos... oh, I have some winners.

Sra said...

I have really fine hair too, but a high density of it, so it looks pretty normal thickness-wise. Product goes a long way to making fine hair fuller.

Ok, so I've just spent the last year trying to recover from the worst haircut of my life. It was so bad that I haven't allowed any recent pictures of myself onto the internet. I'm finally to the point where I like my hair alright, but I was so traumatized by the butchery done to my head (in the words of King of Queens, I looked like a weird boy [and I'm a girl]), that I'm now trying to grow my hair long for the first time since the sixth grade.

Traumatic haircuts will do that to you.

The Over-Thinker said...

Meg: Hair is so schizophrenic!

Bridge: If you send them my way, or link me, can I puh-lease post them? I'd even compose an "Ode to Bridge's Hair"

Sra: (I love King of Queens!) It sounds like you're on the road to recovery--wouldn't it be nice if we lived in the 20's or 30's, when women-in-hats was a classy thing--not just a weather-related or sports-related or non-shower-related occurrence?

Old Knudsen said...

I have sticking up North of Ireland hair as described in the book Angela's ashes so any day I get out of bed is usually pretty bad, you work with what you have with good results so ya can't do better than that.

Priscilla said...

I got my bangs cut. I liked them at first, then they got in my eyes and I decided I didn't want them any more. So I cut them off.

I was 7.

They did eventually grow out.

How was I suppose to know you can't cut your bangs off?

Hillary said...

I don't know if I'm ready to talk about my most traumatic hair experience yet. I'll try.

I was at my best friend's house, playing with her (kind of slutty) mom's hair products and styling tools. I was 10 years old. I had long, straight, very fine hair with no bangs. I wanted to see what I would look like with bangs so I decided that I needed to curl the hair in the front of my face, to make it look like bangs. Logical, right? That you could curl hair that's about 12 inches long to appear bang-like?
Right, so first I put copious amounts of gel in. I then took a round bristle brush and rolled up all the hair in the front of my face. And then I blow-dried it. So just to recap, I gelled, rolled and blow-dried. You can see where this is headed, right? The brush got stuck. Irretrievably stuck. My friend spent about an hour trying to get it out. Then we called her mom. Who called my mom. Who took me home and planted me in front of the mirror and then LEFT ME TO GO PLAY CARDS AT THE NEIGHBOUR'S HOUSE. (Clearly I'm not over it.) I stayed in front of the mirror for hours to no avail. I finally decided that I needed to cut the brush out. Except that my mom still wasn't home. And we didn't have any real scissors so I had to use my dad's mustache trimming scissors. I decided that I needed to make the cut at the back of the brush, thereby saving about 4 inches of length. I'd end up with long bangs but it would still be salvageable. Unfortunately, I got a little greedy. Instead of cutting at the back of the brush, I tried to cut at the back, under the brush. Sorry this makes no sense, just roll with me - we're almost at the good part. I ended up cutting my bangs to within 1/2 inch of my head. I had the bitchin'-est mullet EVER. I wore a lot of headbands that year. And have not used gel or round brushes since. And have a little heart attack every time I go to the hairdresser.

Erm, sorry for the foot-long comment. I'm a bit crazy.

Angella said...

I do believe you have seen mine in all its glory:

As for the spiral perm, my high school BFF got one, and spent good coin.

Only to have someone at church point out that my hair was still curlier.

She was pretty excited about that.

The Over-Thinker said...

OK: The only picture I've seen of yours is in your profile, and if memory serves, you're wearing a hat. I think you need to post a picture of the "Sticking Up North Ireland Hair"

Priscilla: Isn't the reasoning of our 7-year-old selves just charming? I'll bet your mom had a cow.

Hillary: I think we all need to hear more about this slutty mom and her slutty hair products. I did the whole fake-bangs thing, too. No one bought it. Kind of like using a paper clip for braces. Your mom leaving you at home so she could go play cards nearly made me pee my pants. And my birthday is coming up in June--any chance you would post a picture of that "bitchin'-est mullet EVER" on June 13th as a present?

Nicole said...

Can't quite decide if my favorite haircut involved the "sausage roll" bangs or the "cauliflower" bangs. I don't think I have to describe these, as everyone who was alive in the late 80's will remember. FYI- my "sausage roll" bangs were just a poor attempt at achieving what my dad liked to call my sister's "rooster" bangs. It was just a giant experiment to see how high and off to the side we could get our bangs to go. Any of the above hair-dos could now be considered part of "Minnesota hair" where one spends and hour on their bangs and the back of the hair looks like it's been slept on all night.