First Post....How to Reel 'Em In

Decidedly, this must be with a list. An essential part of a blogger's archives. A Top-Something-Or-Other to keep the readers wanting more. How does an over-thinker go about writing one of these up, you ask? Here is the recipe I followed:

16 Hints of apprehension
10 cups of the delete button (more or less to taste)
3 mouthfuls of nervous laughter
5 beads of armpit perspiration
22 lbs of sarcasm
1 tongue in cheek
4 mis-used semi-colons; set aside 1 for the topping
1 tentative "Publish Post"

Repeat for a day and a half until you realize that you don't have any readers yet and you're starting to sound like a female Woody Allen.

21 Things You Should Know
1) I tell people that I'm a morning person because it makes me sound more lively. I don't tell them that I spend a fair amount of the a.m. in bed. Asleep.

2) I love Halloween. Once, I carved a jack-o-lantern out of a watermelon.

3) I normally say pumpkin, not jack-o-lantern, but saying that I carved a pumpkin out of a watermelon would make you think I performed some magical act of horticulture (see #4).

4) I can't keep any type of vegetation alive.

5) After being with my patient husband for nearly 8 years, if my butt's exposed, I still walk backwards out of the room.

6) When I really panic or worry about something, my brain feels like it's a melting ice cube. Seriously. It's like I'm practicing for my first stroke.

7) I have a tendency to think someone's a bit stupid if they don't use the correct form of a word in an e-mail. Ex. Your/You're, Bitch/Beeatch. Please note that I do not use "which" or "that" in the appropriate way. Ever. If I do, it is pure luck.

8) I'm pretty sure that I'll miss-spell something in the very near future and someone will call me out on it.

9) My brain got a bit "ice cube melty" when I started to think about sounding like a hypocrite.

10) If I know that I have a particularly stressful day ahead, I'll talk out loud to myself while driving to work. I practice having a backbone.

11) I'm not a vegetarian. I should be. Meat doesn't agree with me.

12) I'm not telling anyone I know "in real life" about this blog. (Except my clever husband who will ghost-write my really funny posts and my best friend so I can have at least one reader.) I just intend to worry about the potential discovery of it by co-workers.

13) I love mysteries...Books, Movies, CSI (the original, not Miami, as David Caruso is a butthead), etc. Someday, I want to have my own "Sherlock Holmes-esque" study in our house. Floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, a roaring fire, my very own Watson, etc. A room where I can display my magnifying glass (that I get crap for having, quite frequently).

14) My husband doesn't want me to use his name on here. I completely understand--however, I'm having a hard time thinking of a moniker to use in place of his actual name. He's a graphic designer...think he'd mind if I refer to him as "Pixel" or maybe "Adobe"? Suggestions are welcome. And I'm fairly certain that my husband will be the one to suggest something.

15) I'm going to try very hard to not talk about work. Good or bad. I want to keep my job. I think. Actually, I don't want people to hate me. I wouldn't mind losing my job if I could find financial sustenance by blogging. Or sleeping until noon.

16) At the risk of totally reneging on number 15, I'll tell you that I work in the food industry and cook for a living. I work for a company that makes stuff. That you eat. See? I'm very stealth-like and elusive. And nervous about blowing my cover.

17) I have a wonderful husband who has written songs & poetry for me, sketched us together as children, designed my wedding ring...and purchased the entire series of South Park. A true renaissance man.

18) I wish I had a British accent. I can fake one pretty well (better than Madonna, anyway). I can also do a mean Aussie accent. When I was in my early 20's, I worked as a checker in a horrible electronic store that I will call Chest Guy. Shifts were boring. To entertain myself and my co-workers, I'd use an Aussie accent with customers. My favorite line to say (and I'll try to type this phonetically) was: Ah'll Need Tah See Ya Droivahs' Loisuns with ya chehk. Translation: I'll need to see your drivers' license with your check.

19) We have two cats: Abe, a tabby who possesses an extreme love of food and things that are potentially edible; Fidgit, a black and white Hemingway Polydactyl (extra toes). At last count, she has 23. Get it? She's named Fidgit because she has extra digits!! Cleverness (cleverosity?) around every corner in our house.

20) I worry about everything--I don't let much slide. I worry about messing with fate (If I stop to tie my shoe, will I be leaving the house later than I should and possibly get hit by a car that I would've avoided if I just left my damn shoe untied?) I worry about not being liked (Maybe I shouldn't have said "damn" in the last sentence. Should I use asterisks or is that too prissy?) I worry about sounding too enthusiastic on my voice mail messages and strive for the "yeah, no biggie, call me back whenever" vibe. I tend to use the "erase and re-record your message" option frequently. My future children are SO lucky.

21) I'm constantly told that I'm "the most laid-back, calm person"...whenever I hear this, I feel pretty cool. For a moment. Then, I grow concerned that I'm a big Fakey McFakerson. Over the years, I've come to the realization that I'm naturally calm and rational for nearly every public situation because, by nature, I want to take care of others and make sure that the peace is kept. I really try to be a good person. No one needs to know that my brain feels like it's melting.