And now for something completely different (but sort of similar) (but with new fonts and such) (but the same amout of windbagedness)!

I'm ready to start writing again. Truly.

I'm ready to be a smartass again. Muchly.

I'm ready to move. Not like exercising.

(I've not changed that much.)

But I'm over here if you would like to follow me again---trying something new....for the better. And maybe, even, for the funnier.



My bum will be firmly planted at http://notsocalmandcarryingon.blogspot.com/ and I'd sure like your brilliant company. If you could stop at the store on the way over, I'd be up for sharing a jar of peanut butter and a bag of Doritos.

Pitty poor me...all alone....except for this GODDAMN paint covered chair.

Oh hello.

That's the only nice thing I have to say.

My karma meter must be on FUCK YOU because holy shit, have I had a bad mofo evening.....

Not tons to say (though, I have gestures for days) (also swear words, so I'm sorry for that....although swearing on blogs is okay right? I can't remember....let me consult with the bottle of wine. YES YES SWEARING IS A DAMN FINE IDEA.)

My lovely folks are coming up for the weekend to work on the Money Pit (our house) (I actually typed whore two times before I typed house.) (This is way too accurate for me to expand upon at this time.) (Bitch.)

Wine=swear words. I'll be back to my g0sh-darn self by tomorrow afternoon. HI MOM!!!

As I was bringing in my Home Depot purchases, I noticed that I still had a quart of black paint in the garage that I used to refurbish a kick-ass rolltop desk (pictures to come). I thought, "Gee, better bring that paint in. Here, let's put it in our shopping bag from Home Depot." Here's where the good-ideas ran cold and that badness came full force and slapped me in the face with a big damn, "WHooo-AH!"

Black. Paint. In. A. Shopping Bag.
(not so bad yet, right?)
Opened up. In. Said Shopping Bag.
On ALL purchases.
Overflowed onto the dining room table, onto a dining room chair....hung out for long enough to have relations with the chair and then decided to say hello to a huge amount of hardwood floor.

I don't have much to say except I immediately opened a bottle of wine and got in the shower with the chair.

(I hope he calls me tomorrow.)

P.S. Geeeee, dontch just miss the hell out of these posts? Christ on a cracker (hullo Meg)..."When's gonna be my time Lord???? When's gonna be my time?") -Someone in some Kevin Smith movie...

P.P.S. Dear Kevin Smith. I like wine. Also, I like your first 4 movies. Seeing Jason Mewes naked was a bit of a boon for the last flick you turned out. For that piece of crap, I'd like to tell you to suck it, but my husband actually talks to your wife online and there's a chance I could maybe be a personal chef for you someday (and I'll totally delete the hell out of this post at that time)...so, keep on truckin', Kev!

Do you ever get the feeling that your ass is actually creeping up your back?

This is an untold phenomenon-- sure, we all know about age equalling droopy buns, but sometimes, if you're special, when you sit down, the sheer expanse of your butt actually shoves itself up your lower back. This results in some spectacular dimpling and bulges. This description is simply BEGGING for some Paint Prowess.....voila!So much to say, here. And really, I know you're most interested in where I bought those fancy shoes. Maxxanista, bitches. But really, WTF is it with the butt thing? I work out like a crazy person on the eliptical. I'm thinking that about 1/2 of my butt is turning into muscle and the other half is turning into mac n' cheese and venturing north. AND IT DOESN'T DO THIS IN CLOTHING---apparently my stretchy jeans keep it in check; it's when it's free to roam that it does this wonk-butt thing. I cannot tell you how tempted I am to take a REAL LIFE photo of this ass-action so I can share it with you and hear you go, "Me, too!!!" Alas, two things:

-I'm probably on this butt island by myself-

-And ew.-

Now, that won't stop me from asking you all to share a lovely body phenomenon with the internet. Bring it on. Can you top North-Venturing Mac 'n Cheese??

Hair Today....Gone tomorrow. Also known as, Easy Hair, I can has.

It's me. With less hair. Don't fret, my leg hair compensates.

Below is a photo of us on our 5 year Wedding Anniversary.

With the same haircut. We share everything.

Except razors (see previous comment about leg hair).

And here you will find Exhibit A: Hair Care Product Abuser...also known as Hurricane Hair.

Ain't nothin' movin' it.

I'm still getting used to it. But I'll tell you this much---it is AWESOME being able to do my hair in 2 minutes.
(and literally, 1 minute and 45 seconds is spent washing all the damn gel from my fingers)

And In the Light of Day....What the hell is a dairy flavorist?

Thank God for Advil....

What the hell was I thinking last night? What kind of a hideously botched triumphant return was that?? The best ideas are born of beer. I think that's from the Bible. Or maybe it's US Weekly.

Anywho, my friends.

What's new? Has the past year and a half treated you well? Have you succumbed to the technological crack that is Netflix? (yup) Have you secretly purchased your Team Jacob t-shirt? (oh please) Have you wanted to murder that jack-ass that painted the outside of your house? (too soon..gah.)

I truly hope this post finds you well. And not 15 pounds heavier with a questionable haircut. *waves*

I've really missed writing. Being a verbal smartass just isn't as much fun. Also, there's no delete button in a conversation---and, Christ on a Cracker, wouldn't that come in fantstically handy at times?

As I'm still warming up, getting back into blogging shape, I have decided to take it easy (lazy) and begin with a list....

What I've Learned in the Past 17-ish Months

by

The Over-Thinker

1. Simple Math: The gag-reflex of a cat is faster than your ability to jump off the couch and catch the cuke (cat-puke) in your hands. (I didn't say this was a list of wise, helpful ideas)
2. Paris Hilton is untouchable (also, probably a good rule of thumb, in general)
3. The moment I polish my toes, my husband will step on one of them with one of his size 13 gunboats.
4. I hate flying. Not one flight goes by where I don't think I'm going to die and I worry that my parents might discover the naughty drawer before my husband can hide it.
5. I am now a vegetarian. Not because I have a high moral code....but because my intestines hate cows. And pigs. And chickens. More accurately, I am now a cheese-a-tarian. (Hence the new 15 pounds.)
6. Every time a bell rings, 2 Jehovah's Witnesses in short-sleeve dress shirts and JanSport back-packs are on the front stoop while we're hiding below window level trying to finish the first season of Weeds.
7. I have contacts now. I'm also really good at the under appreciated sport of "Blood-Shot-Eyed Speed Blinking."

On that note, I think I shall go outside and enjoy this beautiful fall weather.*

*Or, maybe it's time to crack open a fresh block of cheese and have a seat in the Church of Netflix. Now, I'd answer the doors for that belief-system anyday. Especially if they're bringing along The Real Housewives of New York on Blu-Ray.

And sometimes we just need to hang out with our Gay Friend, Ryan....

Oh, hello. I haven't posted in a little over a year, but sometimes, the only thing that gets you to post is watching a gay holiday film called "Making the Yuletide Gay." Also, beer.

And sometimes, your gay friend Ryan, belches and says, "Make me a superstar." And I say, "Okay, sounds like a fine idea."

Hello friends. I've missed you. I've missed your fantastic comments and banter to my inane, superficial thoughts. I'm ready to discharge some fantabulous gobbledeegook in hopes of your "HOLYCRAP--you're not dead!"-comments. So, then...here goes.

Ryan says, "Oh my God, their dairy flavorist, he's gay, he has a flavor story....."

Curious? Me, too. Stay tuned....

Ryan is fun.

More to come.

Happy October, Friends. Love you muchly.

I'm back.

A Post, the Equivalent of Naugahyde

...or a fake post, for those of you that don't speak man-made-upholstery.

This moment is brought to you by:

Hillary's Blog-Dammit Wake-up Calls

Just like a hotel wake-up call, but with a bit more haiku, and a LOT more swearing

Although I have lots going on in my life, I have very little in the realm of coherent thought going on. So, welcome to the first installment of.....

NAUGAHYDE FRIDAYS!!!!!

(an American version of Friday Faff)
(For this abject pilfering, H, I shall mail you the vinyl arm rail.)

In a meeting today, I was sitting behind one of the managers in R&D. He occasionally turned around to make a comment about the topic at hand. Approximately one hour into the meeting, he turned around and was met with, depending on his angle,

either this:

or this:
or this:

No, that's not Zoltan Screamface from Planet ReneeZellweggerPinchyMouth. No, no--that's me, mid "trying-to-cover-up-a-yawn-in-a-meeting"-face. You know what I mean, right? When you think you can contain a yawn by simply willing your mouth shut? After I told my co-worker, T, what had happened (because I tell her all about my stupid OT moments), she said, "Maybe next time you should just let it out and cover your mouth like a non-idiot." Okay, so she didn't say the last part, but she was most-likely thinking it. Anyhow, the manager looked a bit startled to say the least. 'Cause the beauty was held in place for like 3 horrendously long seconds while I got through the yawn. Promotion? CHECK.